Hot Cheerleader Wednesday: Phoenix Suns

Wow, what a colossal choke by Vince Carter in game 2 of the Eastern Conference Finals. Oof.



If you look closely in that video, you can actually see the grim reaper laughing at me in the background, knowing he'll be getting me sooner rather than later after this game. This game was a rough one to watch...especially after my sacrifice to the basketball Gods of Magic dancers dunking.

Well, since neither the Celtics or the Magic dancers helped the Orlando Magic's cause, here are dancers from another damned 0-2 Finals team: The Phoenix Suns!

Barbosa: Your New Favorite NBA Player

Someone get Robin Lopez a clean pair of shorts...

Amare Likes Your Shirt...Now Give It To Him

Discussing Who Is The Real Superman

Normally I find anything involving Ahmad Rashad to be completely moronic and devoid of any type of information that I would find useful whatsoever. Thus, it came as a surprise to me when I watched this clip about who the real Superman was and found myself entertained.



-Granted, I wasn't entertained by Ahmad in any way (if you don't count me enjoying how uncomfortable it was when the panelists look at the screen, waiting for the clip to roll, and it never does...or at the end when he can't find the right word and just gives up), but I'll throw him a bone because he was marginally involved in the segment.

For the record, as much as Dwight is my boy and Shaq ruined the Magic franchise for years to my horror, I have to go with Shaq as the true Superman. Everyone talks about the athletic ability, but the guy is simply the best entertainer the league will ever know. For this, even I have to love him.

Say Goodbye To Your Face, Steve

The Suns may have won the game against Atlanta today, but in Josh Smith's mind he is a winner. Check out this dunk/murder by Josh Smith.



That's I guess what happened on that planet in Star Wars when they said "It's as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced".

Trade Review: J-Rich For Clothesline McGee and "The Boris Diaw Face"

Today J-Rich got traded to the Suns in exchange for Raja Bell and Boris Diaw...two folks that are now weeping as they accept their silly cartoon jerseys and ticket to one of the bottomfeeders of the NBA. As THF typically does when a trade goes down, I'll play teacher and see how to grade the the badass mofo GMs in this trade.

Phoenix Suns: B+ Let me just start off by saying this: I do not think Steve Kerr is a good GM. He totally bungled that Shaq trade, even with Marion being angry, giving up power and electricity for a center whose best days were behind him. Then he thought Grant Hill would be a good choice as starter (I am a Magic fan, so I can tell you that was NOT a good idea, Steve). Then, after he learned Grant Hill wasn't a good choice at starter, he got Matt Barnes and thought he would suddenly explode as a solid scoring option. -All this being said, I think he actually made a good deal here. This can only lead me to one conclusion: Jason Richardson surely has a lingering injury that will immediatlely render him useless to the Suns. It's the only way this makes any sense to me. Still, for the time being I have to give Steve an "atta-boy" and a pat on the rear.

Charlotte Bobcats: D- The Bobcats traded away one of their best players for...a 32-year old guy who serves mainly as a utility player and a hit-or-miss Frenchman who is currently on the bench. Yeah, sounds about right for the Bobcats. I'd feel bad for fans in North Carolina if any of them actually liked this team. The real question is when Larry Brown will start alienating this team, calling them worthless and laughing when they talk about winning. I give it 4 months before Raja's first clothesline to Brown's neck. Bonus points mark this one up from an "F' simply for employing the services of the "Boris Diaw Face" (seen in photo at right), which is a team profile picture that says without words and hilarious bedroom eyes, "Suck my ****".

Congrats to both teams on the trade. Fans of ugly orange jerseys rejoice.
- Black and Blue Jor
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LET'S MAKE A DEAL
Yes Bobcat fans, your team can get worse. You've traded away an athletic scorer for a guy with a track record for clotheslines and a pear-shaped frog who once said, "I don't date American women. I have them." But hey, Bell is a Coach Brown type of guy and so is...oh wait, Diaw will be suicidal come New Year's.

As for Phoenix, this will likely accomplish nothing, but now they can argue that they have three (and when Shaq plays, three and a half) stars. At this point Bell is no longer the defender he's touted as, but after watching last night's game versus the Lakers I'm ready to bury all of Terry Porter's defensive philosophies.


THIS JUST IN!
Hall of Fame coach, fitness buff and known steroid abuser, Chuck Daly, smashed a fan's camera on a golf course. Pray to God that you never cross paths with this mentally unbalanced lunatic!

- Anubis Taylor

No Gimmick Is Too Crappy For The Suns

Last year, the Suns treated us to a completely ridiculous multimedia website, which I've detailed here. If completely crazy computer effects are any indication, Steve Kerr and company have not let the 08-09 season go by without flushing tons of money down the toilet in self-promotion.

This year the Suns are going with a "Planet Orange" campaign, which doesn't really make much sense to me and sorta sounds like a new Mountain Dew flavor. This comes complete with a completely silly, but nontheless entertaining video


This begs the question: How was this video pitched to Grant Hill? I can only hope it sounded like this:

Suns executive: "So just to recap, Barbosa will be made to look like the roadrunner, Shaq will do a Godzilla yell, and Nash will play with the basketball like a soccer ball. We'll even give useless Diaw some fire or something."

Hill: "What am I going to do?"

Suns executive: "You're going to run up a mountain, dressed like a dragon with a flamethrower attached to your face. We'll then need you to flex at the camera and do pelvic thrusts."

Hill: "Bullshit. I'll dunk for you and that's it." (Walks out of the room, shoving Steve Kerr as he does so.)

Poppovich Rocks

I wrote previously about Shaq badmouthing the Spurs and their Greek God-bearded coach for playing "Hack-A-Shaq" and hitting him throughout the game. Moments into the Spurs-Suns game, this happened. I LOVE Poppovich.

Shaq Talks Like A Movie Trailer

Seriously, what are we going to do when Shaq decides to retire? What are we going to do for hilarious, well-crafted quotes in an NBA landscape that is increasingly filled with generic post-game "We did our best against a good team" bullcrap? I have a feeling that it won't be until Shaq retires that we all look at what is left and say, "Wow...where did all of the entertainment go?"

Hold on a sec, let me step down from my soapbox.

Ah, much better.

The reason I'm writing about Shaq today stems from his awesome, Chuck-Norris-esque quotes in regards to the San Antonio Spurs playing "Hack-A-Shaq":

"The only thing I call cowardly is when you're up by 10 and do it," O'Neal told Phoenix radio station KTAR. "That's a coward move, and [Spurs' coach Gregg Popovich] knows that, and I'll make them pay for it."

You can almost picture Shaq saying this, silently walking out of the room, and putting on sunglasses as the building explodes behind him in an orgy of fire. Real people don't talk like this, which makes it all the more rare and fun. I keep waiting for the movie trailer narrator with a deep voice to hop in and say, "Rated R, now playing in select cities". I'd like to think that at some point I too will get the chance to drop badass quotes like Shaq, but instead I will likely continue to make due with my roundhouse kicks to the faces of evildoers.

Chicago? New York? Really?

Mark Stein has been all over this ride that Mike D'Antoni has taken on the coaching carousel. Given how the window of opportunity for a championship closed last year, a move out of Phoenix makes sense, but really? Chicago? New York? Does he realize that he's getting essentially the same general manager in John Paxon that he had in Phoenix and that Donnie Walsh looks like Paul Bearer (Endless thanks to The Sports Hernia for the pic)? Did he notice that he'll be giving up his ultimate tempo pusher, Steve Nash, and only getting Starbury or Kirk Hinrich in return?

Given that Don Nelson completely gave up on his team this year and that he's wavering on coming back, couldn't D'Antoni step in and provide a more consistent (aka reasonably sane/sober) presence on the Golden State bench? Baron Davis, when healthy, is a top 5 point guard and they've got a deep young bench that was left under-utilized by Nellie.

There's been no offer yet by either team since he's looking for Skiles-money, so there's still time for Chris Mullin to make up Nellie's mind for him.
(Actually, Hinrich does come complete with his hot wife [on the right], so maybe it's a lateral move after all...)

Holy Crap That Was Fast: Mike D'Antoni and the Suns Just Broke Up

As a Suns guy, this actually makes me sad, but word is that the Phoenix Suns are done with former coach of the year and mustache rocker Mike D'Antoni.

During last night's post game press conference, D'Antoni was mum about his status with the team, keeping focus on the team and his pride in them. However, upper management seems to be ready to cut ties with the man who made the eight-second-offense sexy again. Game 5 in the Spurs/Suns series marked the third time in four seasons in which Phoenix was ousted from the playoffs by San Antonio, so I can see the logic in management's win now/something has to change move.

Since D'Antoni has 2 years left on his contract with Phoenix, any team that wants to discuss employment of his services needs to ask for permission. Chances are it won't, but this could play out like the day after a bad batch of Isiahcorn. Most see this as a possible reunion with Colangelo-lite, since it's likely that Toronto Raptors coach Sam Mitchell will get the boot, but Chicago and the Knicks are both out there, so they can't be counted out.

Will Phoenix be able to replace greatness? Who knows, but there's always this.

SHIRTLESS!!

Surprise! Robert Horry Is A Dick

Every year, Robert Horry seems to win a ring. Similarly, every year Robert Horry tries to prove to the world that he is a jackass. Sadly, only one of these things is widely acknowledged by the American public (hint: it's not the second one).

Last year, Horry famously kicked Steve Nash's ass, which resulted in getting Amare Stoudamire and Boris Diaw tossed from the series. Obviously, he would have to keep up his rep this year.

I present exhibit A, your honor. Here is Mike D'Antoni getting ejected the other day for yelling about Horry's blatantly unsportsmanlike play. The best part is the completely oblivious announcers not quite understanding how such a thing could happen.



I give this series one more game before Robert Horry tries to claw the eyeballs out of Leandro Barbosa's head, only to have the announcers say, "Robert Horry seems to be trying to help Barbosa with his contact lens...why is Mike D'Antoni so angry?"

Western Conference Playoff Preview: This Could Get Messy

Now that the Western Conference games are over, we finally have all four match-ups cemented and ready to be predicted upon by idiots like me and Tim Legler. Seriously, we've got this covered. You don't need to watch. Why are you still considering to watch? We're going to tell you who'll win!

LA vs. Denver

Winner: Lakers in 4

Whyzzat?: I think I know the reason for 'Melo's DUI. It probably dawned on him that night that he was going to have his ass handed to him by Kobe in front of a national TV audience. The Lakers swept the regular season series 3-nil by an average of 16+ points and Nuggets gave up a second-worst 106.9 points per game. You could kind of tell that George Karl stopped believing in this team's chances early on since he saw just how bad of a defensive team this is. But damn! They're fun when those shots are falling.

New Orleans vs. Dallas

Winner: Dallas in 7

Whyzzat?: This is the prediction most likely to go wrong as biologists have discovered that my lips are permanently attached to Jason Kidd's ass. Yet, if tonight's game proved anything at all it's that Kidd is done trying to play second fiddle to Dirk. If Dallas can consistently get the ball out of the hands of the phenomenal Chris Paul, they should be able to come away as winners and then get slaughtered in the next round. But, if Chris Shinn feels like firing off his gun into Dirk's face, he's more than welcome to.

San Antonio vs. Phoenix

Winner: Spurs in 7

Whyzzat?: Last year, this match-up was the de facto championship which included nasty cuts, hip checks, and suspensions galore. Instead of following past years' credo to play faster than they ever have before, the Suns have gone the other way with their mid-season acquisition of Shaq. This could actually spell trouble for the defending champs, who are limping into this series with their team MVP, Manu Ginobili, hobbled. HOWEVA, if he can play, he'll put the Spurs over the top.

Utah vs. Houston

Winner: Jazz in 5

Whyzzat?: This year, McGrady's not even going to pretend that it's on him. This team is basically running on fumes and it's a shame. Expect at least one heroic game from Tracy, who may be without Skip To My Lou for part of this series. The Jazz better do the Rockets in quickly because they're not going to want to have to face a well-rested Lakers team after getting into a slug-fest with Houston.