Del Negro: The Easter Bunny Is Real and I Won't Be Fired

And I don't look like Luke Wilson.

Yes You Do

Welcome To The Big Top: MJ Circus Shots

We got such a positive response via email to our post of some of the NBA's best circus shots that we decided to go straight to the source for a follow up: Michael Jordan.

The greatest trick of all?  That he could do all of these athletic shots with those short shorts.  

Thoughts:

-#2 is ridiculous because he almost goes out of his way to do a trick shot.

-Why do cameramen keep finding attractive women in sweaters after MJ makes a play?

-Greg Ostertag continues his long-standing role of "posterized big man".

The BEST Play Of The NBA Weekend

I was extremely happy the Magic won to tie the series with the Sixers 2-2, but for me the highlight of the NBA games this weekend was Ben Gordon's amazing clutch 3-pointer to send the game into double overtime against the Celtics (a game the Bulls later won as a result).

Scratch that.

The highlight for me followed immediately afterward. It was Ben Gordon celebrating by grabbing his groin in a profane way after the shot. I nearly shot beer out of my nose as I laughed out loud. Anubis Taylor was beside me, dodging Samuel Adams spittle.

Mark my words, the next time I get a promotion or raise at work, I am doing this:




Thus, if you see a tall guy with a tie and a suit with his hand on his crotch, skipping down the streets of New York and yelling in the air, it's most likely me.

If it's not me, then chances are you are a female and it's this guy. You should then find a place to hide.

Poodini Is Roodini Of The Year

Derrick "Poodini" Rose has been announced NBA Rookie Of The Year. I am very happy about this because after that game 1 win against the Celtics he deserved to win 5 Rookie Of The Year awards. On top of this, he is a really nice guy, calling every middle-aged female sideline reporter "missus" or "ma'am" (much to every cougar who still feels like she's young at heart).

Here is a snippet from his press conference today:



Two things will immediately leap out at you: 1) Wow, Derrick Rose IS a nice guy. You're right as always, Black and Blue Jor (of course I am). 2) Derrick Rose always speaks with absolutely no inflection in his voice whatsoever. His play and speaking voice make him simultaneously the most and least marketable guy out there right now.

Can you imagine him pitching a McDonalds burger with that monotone drawl?

"HimynameisDerrickandI'mheretotalktoyouabouttheMcRib-
whichisbackforalimitedtimeatMickeyDsBadabadabaaaI'mlovinit."

It's Playoff MADNESS!!!!!!

Blahblahblah Lakers blahblahblah Nuggets blahblah Cavs blah blah. We knew how many of the games involving the teams would end this week, so let's just gloss over those and say it was nice to see those teams play. Two of the games this past weekend were incredible and completely blew my socks off: The Bulls overtime win against the Celtics, and the Sixers last second comeback against the Magic.

Let's start with the Celtics game. Watching Derrick "Poodini" Rose was like watching a beautiful flower blossom if said flower was a Memphis graduate with a weird wizard tattoo. Rose was slashing and dashing all over the place, while the Celtics managed the game slow and steady with their talent. In the first game, it was heart versus talent and heart won (much to the delight of that useless chick from Captain Planet). You take one look at Joakim Noah and Tyrus Thomas and...yeah, heart won this game.

Speaking of Tyrus Thomas, WHERE the hell did he come from at the end of that game? He was hitting clutch jumpshots all over the place, and you could see the life slowly draining from Vinny Del Negro's face each time he put a shot up. The fact that his shots went in at all was proof that there actually is a wizard named Poodini somewhere altering the fate our planet, and he is a Bulls fan.

For me, the games this weekend went from pure elation in the Bulls win to tragic, smash-your-head-against-a-wall defeat with the Magic. I watched as Orlando's 18 point lead flew through their legs like Bill Buckner...and knew they would lose the game. That's right, I knew wayyyy ahead of time that this one was lost. Why? Because the number one rule of being a Magic fan is knowing which games you just need to toss Hedo Turkoglu's ass on the bench. You know from the first 10 minutes whether he will hit most of the shots he takes in a game or miss every single one. He didn't make a shot UNTIL THE END OF THE FOURTH QUARTER, which would send off warning bells that it was time to yank him and call in the many other reserves. Such was not the case, and as Hedo was passed the ball for the final shot with 2 seconds left, I actually looked up at the ceiling of my apartment and asked, "Why? Why did they have him in the game in this juncture." I didn't even have to look back down to know the Sixers had won and Hedo Turkoglu had not even hit the rim (the ball bounced off of the backboard with a sick thud that echoed the thud in my stomach).

Ugh, enough ranting. For every victory, there is a defeat, and in the mirror of life there is most like some other amazingly handsome, muscular writer posting about how happy he was that the Sixers won and pissed that the Celtics lost. That's just the way it is, methinks.

Stay tuned for more daily playoff coverage as the week progresses. I'll need an outlet for the Turkoglu hate.

Poodini Ain't So Special

Every year there is a rookie that has everyone gushing, and this year it is Derrick Rose (what, no Kosta Koufos for you, ladies?). The Great Poodini has been lighting it up and helping the Bulls come out of the bowels of hell into a relatively strong 8th seed late bid. Still, for all of the gushers (let's keep this clean), I show you this proof that Rose still has a ways to go before he is considered "clutch":


Yucky. Were that the playoffs, even fellow Chicago-an Bartman would have winced. That layup for the win couldn't have been more gift-wrapped. If you slow-mo the shot, you can see the moment when the collective Raptors team takes a collective dump in their pants, realizing they've lost the game...only to have them escape with the win. Dumps in the pants can be silly like that.

And The Oscar Goes To...Michael Jordan In 1983!

By watching the sprawling masterpiece that is "Space Jam", you would have thought that Michael Jordan as an actor was a natural. You would of course be wrong and I will now laugh at you. For you see, dear reader, as this Youtube clip illustrates, Michael Jordan's acting abilities used to resemble a zombie, or perhaps a lobotomized mental patient. It's videos like this that actually make you appreciate how far he's come:



Note to self: Grow that beard.

"When You Steps The Lights Goes On"

In the spirit of Christmas, I've been looking up what a lot of team websites have been doing for the holiday. The Bulls seem to be tossing videos all over the web related to what their players are up to. Most recently, I caught this video of robot-talking snoozer Derrick "Poodini" Rose and mushmouth Luol Deng discussing Christmas. My favorite line is probably Deng describing the best gift he ever received, which was a pair of shoes that "when you steps the lights goes on".



The most interesting thing is the long, looooooooooong pauses when the reporter asks them what they'd like for Christmas this year...followed by both of them saying they have purchased anything they already wanted for themselves. If I were a criminal, I would have stopped whatever I was doing (probably making explosive ships-in-a-bottle to go along with my "The Sailor" archvillain name) and would immediately rob these guys. There has to be SOMETHING you don't have Luol and Derrick! This year, for instance, I am asking for a private jet, Megan Fox, and Spencer Pratt's head on a platter.

Chicago Advances to Second Round of NBA Hair Championship

Overshadowing the individual efforts of Amare Stoudamire and Tony Parker last night was the Showdown of Chevelure between the Chicago Bulls and Cleveland Cavaliers. After both Joakim Noah and Anderson Varejao were carried off in a stretcher early in the third quarter when their locks got tangled together, Drew Gooden's mutton chops and wormy goatee took over and closed out the squad from the Mistake By The Lake.

This "Rose" Kid Apparently Is Pretty Good...Wait, What's That On His Arm?

Tonight Derrick Rose played some substantial minutes, 37 to be exact, and put up some quality numbers: 30 points on 13-18 shooting and 7 assists. This helped the Bulls beat the Mavericks, a team that you just look at now and shake your head with pity. Seriously, I am not quite sure whether to have a sit-down meeting with every Mavericks fan reading this and say, "I'm sorry...you had your shot. It's time to invest all of your effort into the Cowboys and Stars for a while until this roster is gutted. Now go to the bar and have some shots with JR Ewing."

This begs the question, what is the source of Derrick Rose's strength? Athletic ability? Steroids? Bud Light Lime? No, dear reader, I believe that Derrick Rose has made a deal with a powerful sorcerer named "Poodini". How else do you explain this tattoo he has?

While this is a bizarre tattoo, I firmly believe that "Poodini" is a FANTASTIC name for a plumber. If you are in the bathroom, your toilet clogs, and you look down at the mess and say to yourself, "Wow...I wish there was somebody who could come here and just make this whole mess disappear!" Now you know who you are going to call: Derrick Rose.

Chicago Hires A Different Coach Collins

Rumors that the Chicago Bulls had completed their search for a new coach were proven correct. After a terrifying week of submitting himself and the entire staff of the franchise to Scarface-levels of blow and murder clips from American Psycho...

...owner, Jerry Reinsdorf, settled on which late 1980's pop star to lead team to championship contention: Phil Collins.

"Of course we would have preferred bringing back Phil Jackson, but he's a little busy actually winning. As I was hacking one of our video scouts to pieces with an ax to the accompaniment of U2, it dawned on me that we were sitting on a land mine of untapped coaching talent! We interviewed Huey Lewis, Whitney Houston, and Corey Hart as well. Lewis was at one point our first choice, but after we were informed that The News would not join him on the sideline we quickly moved on."

Players' reactions to the news were mixed. "I heard he's got a weed bus and a non-weed bus just like Outkast!" Joakim Noah explained. Brit, Ben Gordon, was happy to have another countryman leading the team, but explained, "Guys like Tyrus Thomas are going to have a tough time fitting in because he sucks at playing the the electric drums."

Collins, when reached for comment said, "What the fuck?!?!?!?!"

Hanes Commercials: Michael Jordan's True Legacy

Over the Memorial Day holiday, I was talking with friend of the site Rantin' John about how my neighbor in New York City is Kevin Bacon. He wisely remarked that although he is revered, Kevin Bacon's career has had a pretty meteoric fall. He described it well:

"Your neighbor Mr. Bacon has gone from having a trendy board game named after him and starring in blockbuster movies to looking like a goof while he shoots paper into a garbage bin in Hanes underwear commercials with Michael Jordan. I give it 5 years at most before he tries to revive his career with an ill-fated NBC sitcom."

Cuba Gooding Jr., who currently stars in the latest "I'M WEARING YOUR UNDERWEAR!" debacle, is even more of a step down on the fame ladder for Michael Jordan to act with. Can't get much worse than that, right? Right?!

Every time you ask yourself that, the answer is inevitably Charlie Sheen. Yes, kiddies, Michael Jordan's newest Hanes costar will be none other than the hooker-frequenting Estevez-brothered Hot-Shots-Part-Deux-starring man about town. At what point does Jordan look into his own reflection in the roulette wheel and think to himself, "What am I DOING? I'm the biggest star the NBA ever HAD!" Maybe the script was good?

No. It wasn't.

The leaked script for this commercial reads as follows:

One spot, called "Phone Toss," shows Sheen running up to Jordan's car as he is exiting a hotel and telling Jordan that someone turned him on to the new Hanes Lay Flat Collar Undershirt. He suggests Jordan do the same, not realizing that he's already wearing one. As Jordan starts to drive away, Sheen keeps talking, inviting Jordan to dinner and asking for his phone number. Jordan is finally forced to drive away, prompting Sheen to throw his phone in the back seat of Jordan's convertible and asking to call him.

Wow. Shakespeare just rolled over in his grave, along with the inventor of television, the inventor of the written word, and the inventor of undershirts (who I would like to think is named 'Baron Von Oondresherrt" or something). At least Fruit Of The Loom had those guys in the fruit costumes...a sizable step up in the class department.

MJ, for our sakes, end this charade before you wind up acting next to that alien that was in that movie "Mac And Me". That thing just freaked me out.

Josh Howard Has A New Friend

How could this have happened? Oh the humanity!

Jay-Z Finally Comes Out From Behind The Curtain

First off, congrats to the Chicago Bulls for defying the odds (the 1.7 percent chance odds) to win the 2008 NBA lottery. This team, who already appears to be better than their 33-49 record with Hinrich, Hughes, Gordon, Deng, Noah, Tyrus Thomas, and Drew Gooden, can now officially add Derrick Rose or Michael Beasley. It's like a great fantasy basketball team, minus any actual field goal percentage or assist stats. Meanwhile, somewhere Pat Riley is smoking a cigar and cackling about how he got out at just the right time while Miami sits at spot #2.

-But more important than the Bulls winning was today, May 20th 2008, marked the day that the Nets officially became cool. They've always been sorta fun, with their mascot Sly the Fox and Vince Carter taking ill-advised halfcourt three pointers for no reason whatsoever, but Jay-Z finally came out of hiding and embraced his role as team owner.

Tonight Jay-Z appeared at the lottery and smiled awkwardly amongst the people who were simply amazed to see him. Half looked at him and said, "That's the legendary Jay-Z. This is quite bizarre. I guess he is stepping up as the Nets owner." The other half thought, "Beyonce is engaged to THAT guy? Man, he MUST be talented and rich." Regardless, one thing that was assured with his coming out party? That reporters will slowly but surely kill off the entire Jay-Z catalog of songs with smarmy references to them:

You can see the reporter's mind turning, thinking "I'm going to make a reference to his song '99 problems'...this is going to be COMIC GOLD!" Thus is life as Jay-Z, seeing morons butcher your lyrics and having to grin and bear it. It's only a matter of time before a dorky Steve Berthume-type sports anchor says, "With a win tonight, the Nets were truly 'Big Pimpin'". Whomever says this must be immediately executed.

Chicago? New York? Really?

Mark Stein has been all over this ride that Mike D'Antoni has taken on the coaching carousel. Given how the window of opportunity for a championship closed last year, a move out of Phoenix makes sense, but really? Chicago? New York? Does he realize that he's getting essentially the same general manager in John Paxon that he had in Phoenix and that Donnie Walsh looks like Paul Bearer (Endless thanks to The Sports Hernia for the pic)? Did he notice that he'll be giving up his ultimate tempo pusher, Steve Nash, and only getting Starbury or Kirk Hinrich in return?

Given that Don Nelson completely gave up on his team this year and that he's wavering on coming back, couldn't D'Antoni step in and provide a more consistent (aka reasonably sane/sober) presence on the Golden State bench? Baron Davis, when healthy, is a top 5 point guard and they've got a deep young bench that was left under-utilized by Nellie.

There's been no offer yet by either team since he's looking for Skiles-money, so there's still time for Chris Mullin to make up Nellie's mind for him.
(Actually, Hinrich does come complete with his hot wife [on the right], so maybe it's a lateral move after all...)