76ers Out Of Ideas On How To Win, To Attempt Only Full-Court Shots

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania - After losing several games in a row, and acquiring aged star Allen Iverson, Andre Iguodala and the 76ers have taken the bold step of saying that they will only attempt full-court shots for the rest of the season.

The plan went into action during last night's game against the Nuggets:



The hope is that after making enough of these shots, David Stern and the league will eventually make the full-court shot a 10-point shot...which the 76ers will already be masters of.

It's Crappy Logo Retro Time! Crappy Logo Retro Time!

When you look at a logo and say, "Okay, this thing is dated and pretty much sucks ass", and then you change it...there is obviously no logical reason to go back to the one that sucked right?  9 out of 10 3-year olds would say, "yes!" and then proudly soil themselves.

Well, the Philly 76ers just unveiled their new logo, which is actually their old logo. 

This was an amazing idea to someone who does the following:

1) Plays with rare, albino white basketballs, which were long thought extinct.

2) Prefers their fonts boring and simple, just the way God intended 'em.

3) Has a major gambling problem, which only slot machine-esque red 7s can assuage.

To everyone else, this is just ugly and extremely...I'm sorry Philly fans...Clippers-esque.  It smacks of a team that lacks the drive and creativity to come up with something visually exciting to get their fan base excited again.  At least UPDATE the old logo.  Give the ball a shadow or something.  This looks like a big Mento.

This is especially infuriating to me because no one has taken my suggestion for an NBA logo:

The BEST Play Of The NBA Weekend

I was extremely happy the Magic won to tie the series with the Sixers 2-2, but for me the highlight of the NBA games this weekend was Ben Gordon's amazing clutch 3-pointer to send the game into double overtime against the Celtics (a game the Bulls later won as a result).

Scratch that.

The highlight for me followed immediately afterward. It was Ben Gordon celebrating by grabbing his groin in a profane way after the shot. I nearly shot beer out of my nose as I laughed out loud. Anubis Taylor was beside me, dodging Samuel Adams spittle.

Mark my words, the next time I get a promotion or raise at work, I am doing this:




Thus, if you see a tall guy with a tie and a suit with his hand on his crotch, skipping down the streets of New York and yelling in the air, it's most likely me.

If it's not me, then chances are you are a female and it's this guy. You should then find a place to hide.

It's Playoff MADNESS!!!!!!

Blahblahblah Lakers blahblahblah Nuggets blahblah Cavs blah blah. We knew how many of the games involving the teams would end this week, so let's just gloss over those and say it was nice to see those teams play. Two of the games this past weekend were incredible and completely blew my socks off: The Bulls overtime win against the Celtics, and the Sixers last second comeback against the Magic.

Let's start with the Celtics game. Watching Derrick "Poodini" Rose was like watching a beautiful flower blossom if said flower was a Memphis graduate with a weird wizard tattoo. Rose was slashing and dashing all over the place, while the Celtics managed the game slow and steady with their talent. In the first game, it was heart versus talent and heart won (much to the delight of that useless chick from Captain Planet). You take one look at Joakim Noah and Tyrus Thomas and...yeah, heart won this game.

Speaking of Tyrus Thomas, WHERE the hell did he come from at the end of that game? He was hitting clutch jumpshots all over the place, and you could see the life slowly draining from Vinny Del Negro's face each time he put a shot up. The fact that his shots went in at all was proof that there actually is a wizard named Poodini somewhere altering the fate our planet, and he is a Bulls fan.

For me, the games this weekend went from pure elation in the Bulls win to tragic, smash-your-head-against-a-wall defeat with the Magic. I watched as Orlando's 18 point lead flew through their legs like Bill Buckner...and knew they would lose the game. That's right, I knew wayyyy ahead of time that this one was lost. Why? Because the number one rule of being a Magic fan is knowing which games you just need to toss Hedo Turkoglu's ass on the bench. You know from the first 10 minutes whether he will hit most of the shots he takes in a game or miss every single one. He didn't make a shot UNTIL THE END OF THE FOURTH QUARTER, which would send off warning bells that it was time to yank him and call in the many other reserves. Such was not the case, and as Hedo was passed the ball for the final shot with 2 seconds left, I actually looked up at the ceiling of my apartment and asked, "Why? Why did they have him in the game in this juncture." I didn't even have to look back down to know the Sixers had won and Hedo Turkoglu had not even hit the rim (the ball bounced off of the backboard with a sick thud that echoed the thud in my stomach).

Ugh, enough ranting. For every victory, there is a defeat, and in the mirror of life there is most like some other amazingly handsome, muscular writer posting about how happy he was that the Sixers won and pissed that the Celtics lost. That's just the way it is, methinks.

Stay tuned for more daily playoff coverage as the week progresses. I'll need an outlet for the Turkoglu hate.

Sixers Coach, You're Having...The Best Week Ever!

Watching the postgame of the Sixers gut-wrenching loss to the Celtics Tuesday night, I had only one thought: Tony DiLeo looks exactly like an older version of Michael Ian Black (of VH1's Best Week Ever, The State, and Wet Hot American Summer fame):




With his stone-faced demeanor, you almost expect him to toss out a Michael Ian Black-esque overstatement like "Ghoulies...was the most amazing feature film of the 20th century".

Cheeks And Balances...Awful Title Pun To Say Mo Has Been Fired

Our favorite pornstar-named coach Mo Cheeks just got the can by the 76ers. The Sixers are currently 9-14 after having a fantastic surprise season last year. After starting out 7-6, the team has lost 8 of their last 10 and Andre Iguodala has openly questioned the team's heart in conversations with reporters.  When you get that whole "heart" thing from one of your star players, you might as well just pack up your stuff and start hitting on your secretary with the big cans, because you are outta there.

While I never really had strong feelings about Cheeks as a coach, I have to go back to that cringe-worthy moment when he helped that girl finish the national anthem and say that he seems like a nice guy.  You can kill off hookers left and right and set fire to orphanages, but as long as you help girls finish the anthem you are aces in my book.

This is the fourth NBA head coach let go this season, which officially makes it an epidemic.  I am tossing my name into the fold as a head coaching option for the teams out there.  My coaching style is like Mike Singletary, but with wayyyyyyy more mooning.

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: 76ers

Not feeling too well today, and I never get sick, so to keep my Cal Ripken-esque streak of healthy days intact I'm keepin' it short today.

Slow news day. Cheerleaders. Philly. Insert cheesesteak joke here.

Alright, bed time!

Iggy Gets The Bucks...Time To Build A Building!

Today the Sixers gave a very nice contract to Andre Iguodala, locking him up with 80 mill and ensuring that his team will indeed be one of the more interesting ones come next season with Brand and Iggy. Furthermore, Andre Iguodala actually seems to be a really smart, likeable fellow...something that is a rarity these days of Artests, Kobes and Steven Jacksons (formerly referred to as "the Sprewell days"). He's like the opposite of Iverson...the No-verson.

Not to continue to gush here, but what I like most about Iggy most is that you can tell that he has the wherewithal mentally to be a success. Just listening to him talk, you can tell he would be good at his job even if he was a janitor (my apologies to the enormous janitor contingent that reads this. You keep our latrines clean). See for yourself:




An architect? A builder of skyscrapers? The sheer fact that Andre Iguodala shares the same fake occupation as George Costanza makes him aces in my book. Toss in the "A squared plus B squared equals C squared...or something like that" comment and you have me sold. Casual triginometry always wins over the ladies.

Back With A Vengeance/Free Agency Move Grades

Back from the honeymoon and ready to talk NBA. I wanted to do a draft recap with grades and whatnot, but with players already showing their stuff in the summer league that would sort of be a cop-out. Plus, does anyone REALLY want to talk about Brook and Robin Lopez more than they have to? Nah, me neither.

Thus, instead let's take a look at what can only be described as a COMPLETELY CRAZY DAY OF NBA MADNESS...free agency style. I will grade the moves that happened today, because in my opinion everything in life should be graded (Ants? B minus. Teal dress shirts? D plus).

------------------------

Elton Brand To Philly: A-

Whyzzat? Everyone is saying how bad an idea it is that Brand is leaving a big market like Los Angeles and Baron Davis, who basically signed on just to be with him. I disagree. The Clips are the Kansas City Royals/Arizona Cardinals/...(hockey equivalent of this)... of the NBA, escape can only be described as a success. Also, the Sixers are a team seriously on the rise and Brand could be the vet that team needs to go somewhere in the playoffs. Yay for our favorite pornstar named coach Mo Cheeks!

Corey Maggette To Golden State: D-

Whyzzat? Corey spends allllll this time deciding betweenwhich contender to go to. Spurs? Celtics? Magic? -And then takes a tiny bit more money to go to a suddenly Baron Davis and Mickael Pietrus-less team that appears to be on a serious decline with how they've Hindenburg-ed this offseason. Golf clap for ending your career disgruntled, Corey.

Mickael Pietrus To Orlando: A

Whyzzat? The Magic wanted Chris Duhon and wound up missing out on the Knicks who spent too much. The Magic then wanted Corey Maggette and realized they wouldn't get him. Their third option will probably wind up being the best of all three. Mickael Pietrus fits their bill of defensive-minded guards who can shoot the three, as well as making fohawk-wearer JJ Redick sit even further back on the bench. I was annoyed when the Magic drafted Redick, but am warming to it since at this point the team appears solely dedicated to keeping him on the roster to find new ways to piss him off.

The jetlag is killing me, so we'll leave it at that today, but there is much more to discuss in the first few days of the free agent signing period. Hopefully we see more craziness, like Josh Smith sign with Olympiakos for a pile of chocolate coins. Stay tuned!

The Only Logical Way To Act After Getting Your Shot Blocked

There is no worse feeling in the world than getting your shot blocked in basketball. You can get dunked on, you can get your ankles broken on a drive...heck you can even get "the clap" from a team cheerleader...but it is hard to stomach watching your ball get swatted into the stands. The only thing that comes close is an airball, and even then you can sorta giggle it off and take solace in the fact that Antoine Walker shot about 37 a game during his prime. With a blocked shot, it's like someone took a look at your shot and said, "No soup for you!" through the art of interpretive dance.

Up until now, no one could really think of any rational reaction to getting their shot blocked other than to just stare as it went out of bounds and have a tear roll down their cheek like that highway indian from those old commercials. This is why Rajon Rondo is truly a pioneer in coming up with what may be the only possible face-saving reaction to a blocked shot:

RIPPING GUY'S DAMN SHOE OFF AND CHUCKING IT!




Jolly good show, Rajon.

On a sidenote: With Detroit's slamdown of Philly tonight in game 6 (Called this series to a T!) it looks like we have another Pistons-Magic series on our hands. The Pistons always seem to get the best of the Magic, but this year I actually like the Magic to emerge victorious. I call Magic in 7 in a surprisingly tough, well fought series. Somewhere Darko is on the beach right now smoking a blunt and vaguely remembering being on these two teams.

Hey, So Some Games Happened This Weekend: Game 1s In Review

Man, what a fantastic first weekend of NBA playoff action!

That was a complete Marv Albert-esque "smack me in the face because that is such a commercial slogan statement", I know, but it is nontheless true.

-The Magic showed that they are a team to be reckoned with, by slaughtering the Raptors with 43 points and an NBA playoff record-tying 9 three-pointers in the first quarter. Bargnani fans everywhere wept.

-The Lakers put the Nuggets away in a game with basically no defense at all (242 combined points were scored). Radmanovic inches ever closer to his "ugliest man to ever win a championship" title.

-In the words of former Arizona Cardinals coach Dennis Green, the Celtics "WERE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!" and easily put the Hawks away by 23 points. The Hawks had as much of a shot of winning one game in this series as the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall had of making me laugh more than once (which, incidentally, it did not do. Save your cash, folks).

-Lebron beat Arenas and company to help the Cavs take a 1-0 lead over the Wiz. This game was really close the whole way through and I am firmly sticking to my prediction that Washington wins this series. How COULD I pick the Cavs when Arenas is taking shots like this?!?

-The Jazz beat Houston in what will probably be the quietest series of the bunch. Rafer and Yao were out, making TMac actually deliver on his "It's on ME!" comments from last year. Results: Not. So. Good. McGrady actually used the words “Yes, we miss Rafer" after the game. That's probably what the people said on the Titanic moments before they drowned.

-Chris Paul is looking mighty fine in the MVP voting after an incredible regular season and game against the Mavs. This is all despite his horrendously shitty website. David West...I acknowledge you are a good player, even though the rest of the world doesn't. Poor wittle D.West...

-The 76ers, my team to shock and awe the rest of the world...by winning 2 of the 6 games in this series (man, I should have really had the cajones to pick more than that)...WON the first game 90-86 in Detroit. Reggie Evans (seen levitating right) looked like a monster and Andre Miller was playing like a career all-star instead of a guy once swapped out for Earl Boykins. If Rodney Carney actually develops, this "Mo Cheeks, Mo Problems" squad has a crazy bright future. Yes, I know that phrase is already played, but I'll be damned if I stop using it!

-And finally the game of the weekend, the Spurs-Suns game which was Ginobili-ified to the max. If you heard a high pitched sound coming from the general direction of the northeast of America, chances are it was me squealing like a schoolgirl with delight while I was watching this one. I don't even particularly like either of these teams, especially San Antonio, but they put on one hell of a show. Tim Duncan 3 pointer for double overtime? Steve Nash with a tying three as he falls out of bounds? Boris Diaw sucking ass and almost singlehandedly losing the game for Phoenix? I have to stop typing before I faint, it was that damn good.

More commentary on the games to come, folks. This postseason is just getting started.

Eastern Conference Playoff Preview: Time To Get Obnoxious Again, Boston Sports Fans!

Tonight is the last night of the NBA regular season. This typically is a boring day, with starters resting and coaches that are going to get the axe at season's end just going through the motions (Hint: A Memphis coach named Iavaroni). Well, that's only half true this year. While the Eastern Conference teams are all snuggled into their respective playoff position beds, the Western teams tonight are still jockeying to see who they'll play. The Lakers and Hornets are the only teams that have any idea where they will be in the pecking order of things, but this is little consolation since they could be playing anybody.

For now, let's take a glance at the Eastern Conference playoff matchups since those are set, shall we?

Boston vs Atlanta

Winner: Boston in 4

Whyzzat?: 28 games separate these teams. We officially have our top candidate for "team that we will totally forget made the playoffs next year", as in "Wait...Atlanta made the playoffs last year? Where was I?"

Detroit vs Philly

Winner: Detroit in 6

Whyzzat?: I think Philly will make this one a bit more interesting by stealing two. Mo Cheeks has this team actually believing in themselves, and I've officially copyrighted the phrase "Mo Cheeks, Mo Problems" for when they turn heads (note: I did not actually do this). Detroit's been my pick in the East all year, so I have to stick with them. Plus, after visiting Philly this past year I have to say that I've had better Philly Cheesesteaks in at least 5 other cities. Sorry.

Orlando vs Toronto

Winner: Orlando in 5 (U.S.A! U.S.A!)

Whyzzat?: Orlando is the overlooked team in the league this year, getting no media attention whatsoever despite having a very solid team. The Jazz did pretty well flying under a very similar radar last season. If Jameer Nelson actually shows up, this could be over quickly. Hedo Turkoglu still won't be a household name, but rather a name that sounds like something yelled while sneezing (or shooting fireballs in Streetfighter II).

Cleveland vs. Washington

Winner: Washington in 6

Whyzzat?: Arenas is back, and seriously wants money this offseason when he opts out. On top of that, I really am not a big fan of Cleveland after their midseason trade for Wally's World and think they'll fold early. I'll probably wind up eating my words on this one since Lebron is a playoff monster, but I think Washington will benefit greatly by having various people carry their team this year due to injuries. Completely random side note: Both Arenas and Lebron have New York City-themed shoes.

That's it for now. We'll see how things shape up in the West after tonight.