Iverson Shows Barkley What Gambling Problems Should Look Like

Today a report came out that Allen Iverson has been banned from not one, but two Detroit-area casinos. This was followed by most of America saying the same thing: "Detroit has casinos?"

This news continues the month-long rain of crap upon the head of Allen Iverson. His team doesn't even want him in their games, and now his casinos don't even want to take his money. As with Barry Bonds and Pete Rose, when age catches up with you in sports, and you happen to be a jackass, the ride out of the spotlight is a really painful one. You just know Terrell Owens will experience a record number of people hating him when his legs wear down and he is spit out of Buffalo in two years. It's rough when the one thing that kept the douchiness in check (freakish athletic ability) is gone and karma is free to run rampant in the form of a cranky Bob Ryan yelling at the screen, "Get the bum off my TV screen!".

On a side note, I bumped into a drunk Bob Ryan on Bourbon Street in New Orleans when I was younger, and it only added to how much of how trippy drinking in Louisiana is. Bob Ryan had that creepy white moustache back then (shivers remembering it).

Oh, I should mention that Iverson apparently got banned from the casinos for "being a bad loser". This includes throwing cards in the face of the dealer when he lost. One can only hope that all of this bad press someday inspires a little kid to throw his basketball trading cards in the face of Iverson for how he depreciated their value with his antics. That would be karmic GOLD!

Happy Thanksgiving Hangover Day!

We here at THF hope that you and your family had a very Happy Thanksgiving.  We, obviously, took the day off to focus on giblets and why they are so damn horrendous looking.  Most people had the day off, including (to no one's surprise) this guy, so if you worked over the holiday our hearts go out to you.  You are probably breaking into your boss' car to fill it with giblets right now.

Alright, enough of pilgrims, turkeys, and hats with buckles on them (still waiting for this puritan fashion statement to come back).  Let's all take a deep breath and get ready for the real holiday season to begin:

Three thoughts: 1) I don't know what "Jingle Bell Swings" are, but I want at least two of them. 2) Mutombo's voice appears to have actually just been dubbed with the sound of a coffee bean grinder on "high" setting. 3) You can tell they chucked Luis Scola out there, had him speak, and then ran him back to his trailer while saying, "He said a sentence or two, now get him offscreen! He'll scare the children!"

How To Crapify Your Teams 101

Unless you are hiding under a rock (my apologies to Malcolm X, whom plymouth rock landed upon), you've heard that the Pistons and Nuggets struck a deal today. Yeppers, Allen Iverson is going to Detroit in exchange for Chauncey Billups, Antonio McDyess, and prospect Cheikh Samb. On a side note, Cheikh Samb is totally what I'm naming my first born child.

A lot of people are scratching their heads at this trade, wondering exactly how it will benefit either squad. Tonight, The Howeva Files proudly grades this trade by explaining precisely how it will help both teams: It won't.

Denver Nuggets grade: D

Despite getting some depth here in McDyess, the Nuggets just gave away their top scorer. Billups is great for assists, but who will Melo look to to bail his ass out points-wise when he decides to start clunking bricks off of the backboard? Better start lifting some weights, Anthony Carter.

To make matters worse, Denver fans are really losing faith in this Nuggets team and taking away the star power of Iverson in exchange for two lesser knowns will hit the ticket office. -Not at first, but eventually. Cue George Karl wearing a midriff with a blonde wig to get some publicity.

Detroit Pistons grade: F

I reeeeeeeally have to apologize in advance for this easy analogy, but like a car the Pistons have operated the past few years as a fine oiled machine. Every player fills his niche, which powers the engine to keep pounding out wins. Now they have disrupted the whole thing by chucking a big scorer on a team that spreads the wealth and prides itself on playing turnover-free basketball. You can almost see Flip Saunders laughing and blowing cigar smoke rings in the air between shifts of cleaning the aisles in a movie theater.

To make matters worse, McDyess is one of those guys who quietly contributes when you need him to. You can't have too many bench guys like that, and that will be felt when Rasheed decides to start bashing skulls when his adrenaline runs wild in the playoffs. You could tell that Joe Dumars was feeling some pressure to shake things up, and this was his best option. He should just thank his lucky stars no one had Stephon Marbury in any sort of deal or we'd have Skip Bayless trying to defend the poop end of THAT deal.

Both teams will make the playoffs, and like most teams that shake things up they both will experience success early, but over time this deal will find a way to make solid (or in the case of Denver- shaky) formulas worse. I just hope I'm there when Sheed realizes this and tears Iverson's head from his body. -If for nothing else to hear Marv Albert wax nostalgic about his bedroom proclivities.

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: Pistons

Just got back from seeing Stone Temple Pilots at Jones Beach in New York (amazing concert), and to my wondering eyes I see very little has happened in the NBA today. The NFL is another story altogether with Brett Favre entering my hallowed town of New York City...well...technically they play in East Rutherford, New Jersey...but you get the point.

With little news and it being quite late (or early, for those of you who choose to wake up to read this site at 2am everyday), it's time for a quick Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day. Today we head to the land of Matt Millen and riots. Lots and lots of riots. Pistons fans, you may not have a football or baseball team that do silly things like "try", but I'll be damned if you don't have two of the more successful basketball and hockey teams in history.

Some would use this as an opportunity to make a joke about pom-poms...but I won't. You stay classy...planet earth.

Looking More And More Like A Lakers-Celtics Finals

David Stern is nervously beginning to crack a smile: With Boston's win tonight, both the ratings-killing Pistons and Spurs are one win away from elimination...to the mass-market Lakers and Celtics no less! While the image of either Bill Simmons or Ashton Kutcher celebrating their team winning it all is like a donkey punch to the nuts, the matchup should actually be pretty fun to watch.

Most exciting matchup in the potential series in my book? KG vs. Gasol. Let's take a quick outdated gander at said matchup:



The matchup is even more fun if you know how to do that bizarre sound by vibrating your lips.

These are two incredibly talented teams, but a part of me wonders if they were somehow helped along the way by Stern longing for a return to the NBA's golden age...ESPECIALLY with the Bird-Magic co-written book on the way. Lord knows that Stern knows how to pull the strings.

On a side note, that Genesis game "Lakers vs Celtics And the NBA Playoffs" was a fantastic game. I used to love to play with Larry Bird because he was completely and utterly unstoppable in the game. To win and piss off your friends, the challenge you really was find him on the court and get the ball into his hands.

Hmmmm....can YOU find him?

Three Day Memorial Day Weekend?...TIME TO DANCE!

Three days off from work?! Let's boogie down!!!



Congrats to the Pistons on beating the Celtics tonight to steal their home court advantage, evening the series 1-1. I have a feeling more "Stuff to watch if there's a Spurs-Pistons final" posts are in the future...

Stuff To Watch If There's A Spurs-Pistons Finals: Part I

At this point all of America knows that David Stern will probably kill himself if we are yet again subjected to a Spurs-Pistons NBA Finals series. The ratings will tank and the NBA will once again take a backseat to the other major sports (no, not hockey, silly!) Right now the Celtics are up 1-0 on the Pistons, but the Spurs currently are beating the Lakers and their fancy traingle offense...how is it possible Stern hasn't paid these refs off to help the Lakers win this one yet?!

Since there is still a strong chance of a boring ol' Pistons-Spurs NBA Finals, it is THF's job to help you figure out things to watch should this happen. Today's selection:

Fantastic choice scenes from the Nicholas Cage crapfest "Wicker Man"! Enjoy:




This all may seem silly, but you'll thank us in the Finals.
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UPDATE: The Lakers just erased a 20 point defecit to win. While I'm rooting against a Spurs championship, I'd be lying if I didn't say it was quite silly near the end how the refs weren't calling any fouls on Lakers players. David Stern and his ref minions strike again!

Crap...NOW Who Do You Root For, America?

As I write this, the Spurs are currently beating the Hornets late in the 3rd Quarter by 13 points, and are looking like shoe-ins to return to their zillionth consecutive conference championship. I blame Morris Peterson's ice cubes:



This is rough news for the many NBA fans hoping that a cinderella-esque team would win the championship this year. Yes, yes, the Hornets had the best record during the regular season this past year, but no one can deny that they were truly the underdogs in their series with the former champs.

This leaves us with a dubious list of remaining teams (my apologies in advance if you are a fan of one of them):

The San Antonio Spurs: This team winning yet another championship would likely make David Stern put a gun in his mouth. The NBA Championship has had some of its lowest numbers with this rather boring-yet-spectacular team, and them winning yet another would help keep the collective eyes of the public away from the NBA in an exciting sports year in which the Giants upset the Patriots and the Rockies made a cinderella World Series appearance. After such an exciting NBA season, seeing this team winning it all would be like getting a brand new state-of-the-art television only to realize that the only thing that can play on it are reruns of The View. You can squint all you want, but it's still Barbara Walters creepily talking about having an affair with a congressman (shivers uncontrollably).

The Los Angeles Lakers: I don't deny that the idea of groupies flocking to an ogre like Pau Gasol is a fun image, but to see this team win would make most NBA fans' stomachs turn. Why? After an offseason filled with whining about his team, calling Andrew Bynum names, demanding a trade, firing at Mitch Kupchak, and then completely acting like a hypocrite by embracing the team once they got good, Kobe Bryant would be one of the least likable Finals MVPs in the history of sports. He could only be less likable if he were to kill babies at midcourt and agree to star in a romantic comedy with Ashton Kutcher. Toss in the fact that Jordan Farmar would have exactly one more NBA championship than you and you can officially start believing that life isn't fair.

The Detroit Pistons: Many could argue that this team is actually the most boring team instead of San Antonio. -At least the Spurs have Manu Ginobili crashing into people a few times a game in a theatric fashion. Sheed has calmed down, Billups' trash talking is less than ever, and the have Antonio McDyess for chrissakes...a guy who I am convinced is a stone statue come to life (barely). The only person who make this team in any way exciting to watch is 55 lb Tayshaun Prince, who blocks shots like crazy. I firmly believe he does this by allowing the wind to carry his thin frame around the room like a shipmast. On the plus side: Flip Saunders might completely open his eyes if this team wins it all.

The Boston Celtics: I got such crap for liking the Florida Marlins when they bought a championship in 1997. -At least the Marlins had about half of their team come from their farm system. Enter the team that purchased the best record in the league, making every Boston fan suddenly remember they liked the Celtics so fast that they got bandwagon splinters. Hoping this team wins it all goes hand in hand with hoping for nonstop "my team is the greatest ever" columns from Bill Simmons, something only a person who hasn't been subjected to Simmons' "all-New-England sports columns"could ask for. They say every time a bell rings, Bill Simmons writes an anecdote about his father and him talking about Boston teams. Do you really want to live the rest of your life with a Boston fan next to you saying, "The Pats get bam-BOO-zelled by tha refs, but Kay-Gee and my boys brought tha title to BEAN-TOWN!" Neither do I. The Patriots losing that Super Bowl was all that me and other non-Boston fans who went to college in New England had.

Wow...so where does that leave us? Who in the world do we root for? Looking at that list, it's like deciding which type of rare disease you want to catch from a mosquito while traveling overseas (Lakers = elephantitis). Right now, the wounds from the likable Magic, Hornets, Jazz, and Cavs are too fresh to make a choice, but hopefully someone emerges soon.*

*The Pistons officially become my choice the moment "old Sheed" comes back and starts clawing at refs faces and screaming when doused with holy water. Sadly, those days are likely a thing of the past.

Stan Van Gundy Takes The High Road

Yesterday Stan Van Gundy graciously said that his Magic team lost the game for themselves with turnovers, and that (despite tons and tons of evidence to the contrary) the refs did not win the game for the Pistons. Not even the refs adding more time onto the clock to help the Pistons score a three pointer could make him say any disparaging words.

Very classy indeed, Stan.

Well...that's what he told the media. I think he is more interested in not getting fined, frankly. Taking a look at him as the final buzzer sounded last night, he had some different words for the ref closest to him:

Lipreaders of the world unite!



In other news, tonight the Celtics beat the Cavs as Lebron had a cold shooting night. In math terms, 3 stars > 1, so the Cavs might have some trouble. When in doubt, consult math, kids.

Here's To Hoping For A Finals We Can Actually Watch!

'Twas a bittersweet night for NBA fans hoping for a non-boring finals this year as the Pistons won (crap) and the Spurs lost (yay). If these two teams somehow make it to the finals, David Stern officially goes on suicide watch.

With Dwight Howard's injured hand making it look like he was handling a greased turkey instead of a basketball, the Magic made it about as close as they could. Top it off with many questionable calls that went the Pistons way, as well as a bunch of late-game turnovers, and the Stan Van Gundy lucky moustache can only go so far. Flip "Sleepy Dwarf" Saunders looks poised to celebrate amid yawns.

Conversely, Chris Paul is making the Hornets the feel-good story in the league right now. I correctly predicted that his piss-poor website would ruin his MVP chances, but I'll be damned if he doesn't look like the best player in the NBA nowadays. When you have two first names, there is little you can't do.

This is all just a silly precursor to what you all want to see: Zaza Pachulia giving the best speech ever!




I'm still so sad the Hawks are out. I'll get over it...I'll get over it.

The Only Logical Way To Act After Getting Your Shot Blocked

There is no worse feeling in the world than getting your shot blocked in basketball. You can get dunked on, you can get your ankles broken on a drive...heck you can even get "the clap" from a team cheerleader...but it is hard to stomach watching your ball get swatted into the stands. The only thing that comes close is an airball, and even then you can sorta giggle it off and take solace in the fact that Antoine Walker shot about 37 a game during his prime. With a blocked shot, it's like someone took a look at your shot and said, "No soup for you!" through the art of interpretive dance.

Up until now, no one could really think of any rational reaction to getting their shot blocked other than to just stare as it went out of bounds and have a tear roll down their cheek like that highway indian from those old commercials. This is why Rajon Rondo is truly a pioneer in coming up with what may be the only possible face-saving reaction to a blocked shot:

RIPPING GUY'S DAMN SHOE OFF AND CHUCKING IT!




Jolly good show, Rajon.

On a sidenote: With Detroit's slamdown of Philly tonight in game 6 (Called this series to a T!) it looks like we have another Pistons-Magic series on our hands. The Pistons always seem to get the best of the Magic, but this year I actually like the Magic to emerge victorious. I call Magic in 7 in a surprisingly tough, well fought series. Somewhere Darko is on the beach right now smoking a blunt and vaguely remembering being on these two teams.

Eastern Conference Playoff Preview: Time To Get Obnoxious Again, Boston Sports Fans!

Tonight is the last night of the NBA regular season. This typically is a boring day, with starters resting and coaches that are going to get the axe at season's end just going through the motions (Hint: A Memphis coach named Iavaroni). Well, that's only half true this year. While the Eastern Conference teams are all snuggled into their respective playoff position beds, the Western teams tonight are still jockeying to see who they'll play. The Lakers and Hornets are the only teams that have any idea where they will be in the pecking order of things, but this is little consolation since they could be playing anybody.

For now, let's take a glance at the Eastern Conference playoff matchups since those are set, shall we?

Boston vs Atlanta

Winner: Boston in 4

Whyzzat?: 28 games separate these teams. We officially have our top candidate for "team that we will totally forget made the playoffs next year", as in "Wait...Atlanta made the playoffs last year? Where was I?"

Detroit vs Philly

Winner: Detroit in 6

Whyzzat?: I think Philly will make this one a bit more interesting by stealing two. Mo Cheeks has this team actually believing in themselves, and I've officially copyrighted the phrase "Mo Cheeks, Mo Problems" for when they turn heads (note: I did not actually do this). Detroit's been my pick in the East all year, so I have to stick with them. Plus, after visiting Philly this past year I have to say that I've had better Philly Cheesesteaks in at least 5 other cities. Sorry.

Orlando vs Toronto

Winner: Orlando in 5 (U.S.A! U.S.A!)

Whyzzat?: Orlando is the overlooked team in the league this year, getting no media attention whatsoever despite having a very solid team. The Jazz did pretty well flying under a very similar radar last season. If Jameer Nelson actually shows up, this could be over quickly. Hedo Turkoglu still won't be a household name, but rather a name that sounds like something yelled while sneezing (or shooting fireballs in Streetfighter II).

Cleveland vs. Washington

Winner: Washington in 6

Whyzzat?: Arenas is back, and seriously wants money this offseason when he opts out. On top of that, I really am not a big fan of Cleveland after their midseason trade for Wally's World and think they'll fold early. I'll probably wind up eating my words on this one since Lebron is a playoff monster, but I think Washington will benefit greatly by having various people carry their team this year due to injuries. Completely random side note: Both Arenas and Lebron have New York City-themed shoes.

That's it for now. We'll see how things shape up in the West after tonight.