Chris Paul Staying With The Hornets...For Now

Sigh, with Chris Paul making nice and saying he doesn't need to be traded (right now) so ends the exciting 2010 NBA free agent season, with the Heat getting everyone and annoying us all to hell for the next 5 years. Time to turn our attention to football and baseball and English Premier League Soccer.

To make the transition easier for all of you, here is a clip of Vince McMahon saying "You're fired" for one minute straight:

Analysis: Chanandeler Bong For Okay-For

Today the Bobcats and Hornets swapped big bodies, sending Emeka Okafor to Nawlins and Tyson Chandler to the neon orange "place where careers die" entitled "Charlotte". I read about it on the coolest designed team site in the league, and immediately thought what all of you thought:

"The Bobcats are not going to take this whole "we're the worst-run organization in sports thing" from the Grizzlies lying down"

The Bobcats get an oft-injured center who the Hornets pretty much tried to toss into the garbage last year, and all they had to give up was their most promising big man who would certainly garner All Star attention if he didn't have that whole "I was drafted with Dwight Howard" thing hanging over his head. -Oh, and the neon orange mark of death on his jersey.

Seriously, at what point do fans just throw their hands up and say, "Screw this shit. They're not even trying to be competitive anymore." As a Marlins fan, I've seen the team unload its stars several times, but at least they did it intelligently and have fielded competitive teams every 6 years or so (if you go by the rule of 6, the Marlins should win the World Series again this season). The Bobcats, meanwhile, have made it obvious with this move that while the team is looking for new ownership they are bound to be in a quagmire of feces talent-wise.

So, here are some grades:

Hornets: B

The Hornets acquire a worthy big man to supplement the underrated (except for Chris Paul) talent on their team. All they had to give up was a player who was only on their team for failing a physical last season with another team.

Bobcats: W-

Chandler must be holding a gun to his head as I write this, looking at the prospect of being coached by Larry Brown and playing alongside such immense talent as Boris Diaw. Tough luck, kid.

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The...Oh Lord.

When a Stan Van Gundy-Shaq dispute is the only news of note, you know it's a slow news day. That's why it's time to check out some cheerleaders. Specifically, let's travel to the land of gumbo and voodoo, and check out some New Orleans Hornets cheerleaders!



Yikes. As tough as that was to watch, it does makes sense. When I visited New Orleans, I put on about 5 pounds over the course of a week on two of the city's primary specialties: Booze and fatty foods. In fact, I had slept on a bed of stewed sausage, crawfish, and Jim Beam bottles. Had I stayed there for an additional week I would look exactly like the red haired cheerleader seen above (I don't have red hair, but I can only imagine what shennanigans would engulf me from a second week partying on Bourbon Street).

I say if we are going with large lady cheerleaders, we should just go right to the bottom of the barrel and and get New Orleans prostitutes to dance. This would allow me to realize my dream of a cheerleading squad named the "New Orleans Whore-nets".

"Black And Blue Jor"...A Way To Say "Quality NBA Posts" In Three Less Syllables

One day in the future when I'm gone, and the only thing left behind to remind people of me is a shiny piece of granite (not a tombstone, but an actual chunk of granite...I will probably put it in the middle of a busy freeway or something) I hope I am remembered for some of the quality posts that I have contributed to this all-NBA site. Topping the list is this gem:


My only hope is that someone submits this post for a Pulitzer at some point because that is hard-hitting NBA journalism right there.

It's Dunk Time! Wooooo!!!!......Whoops.

There is no bigger letdown in the world than the missed dunk. Close seconds include when you find out your child has been working in an underground prostitution ring and the 2007-2008 New England Patriots (cue Nelson Muntz going "HAha"). For video evidence of this of a sports anti-climax, let's ironically look at perpetual letdown JR Smith attempting to dunk tonight:



I think the height at which the ball bounces above the rim after the missed dunk is a direct way to measure how disappointing the missed dunk is. That would make this about a 9/10 nut-punch to JR Smith's ego.

For The Love Of The Game

A lot of people nowadays take a look at the old Roman gladiator matches and tsk-tsk at how brutal and out of control they were.  I say bring it on.  I think most debates should be decided by lions chasing people and swords clanging.  

Where am I actually going with all of this?  I think no matter what the sport, competition between people adds an uncanny amount of craziness and positive emotion to the lives of those watching.  Take the game-winning shot by Chris Paul today.  Look at the video shot by someone in the crowd and tell me it isn't damn cool to see an entire stadium go nuts all at once:

Now you know how I react when I look in my cupboard and realize that my wife bought me Fruity Pebbles.  Seriously, that is the cereal of the gods.

Byron Scott Rules With An Iron Fist

Taking a break from watching this video, I stumbled across this on Youtube today. It's a videotaped practice of the New Orleans Hornets, if you could actually call it a "practice". Byron Scott watches Peja, Morris Peterson, and James Posey try to make 40/50 three pointers while he laughs and makes fun of them. Byron makes bets with the players and trash talks like a guy playing Halo against his friends.

In my mind, practices for NBA teams were like the basketball practices at my regimented catholic high school: Sprints, running plays, sprints, full-court layup drills, sprints, and then resultant death. Not so much here, as the tone seems to be more like a bunch of guys laughing in a bar. I half expected Chris Paul to pull out a highball glass and a cigar.

I'm not saying any of this is a bad thing. If anything, it makes me want to kick my high school basketball coach in the nuts.

Real NBA Superstars Wipe Themselves With Leaves

I absolutely love these outtakes/interviews/candid videos from the "redeem team" commercial shoots. It's like someone took all of the sheen and filters off of the stars and told them to behave as they normally would.

Take, for instance, this interview with Deron Williams and Chris Paul. I've often wondered what I would bring if I went on a camping trip. While my natural inclination would be to say a bed or something to shelter my body from the pounding elements and grizzlies, Chris Paul has a good point and made me realize that Little Debbie Snack Cakes (when given enough of them) could make a rather comfortable bed.

Hornets Get New Uniforms And Logo...Doesn't Suck!

I'm so used to silly-looking (Bobcats) or named (THUNDER! KAPOW!) NBA teams, that when a team actually comes through it kinda surprises me. Such is the case with the new look Hornets. For so long, the team ambled about in their silly sneakers-wearing Georgia Tech Yellow Jacket ripoff logo-ed digs. Now to match the newfound respectability Chris Paul and company have given them, check out the new logo above in collectable puzzle form (formerly their secondary logo, which I complained time and again they needed to make their primary logo...thanks for listening Bourbon Street!)

Below is their new logo, which reminds me of the New Orleans-themed Showboat Casino in Atlantic City. I love them. Totally redid the look of the team to represent the area they play in.

Er....wait a second. Says on their team store that THIS is their new primary logo...a more cartoony remake of the Yellow Jackets ripoff:

Hold the Stephone. This team remake was cruising for a solid A+...but keeping that looney tunes bee logo for anything other than a secondary "put this on the side of our shorts and that's it" would be a major letdown. It would downgrade them to a B. I surely hope they go with the Fleur De Lis (it looks like the website is highly promoting that one). It has cool pointy insect hands and everything.

Anyhoo, congrats to New Orleans fans, as well as beekeepers.

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: New Orleans

When the exploits of James Posey are seen as explosive, pulse-pounding news, you know it is a bit slow in the world of the NBA (incidentally, he signed for the career quagmire of the league, known as "The Bucks")

I figure on these slow news days, instead of boring you with half-assed reporting attempts at making James Posey-esque stories sound important, I'd just rather give you some eye candy.

Presenting something I like to call "Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day!"

Today, Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: New Orleans

Here's To Hoping For A Finals We Can Actually Watch!

'Twas a bittersweet night for NBA fans hoping for a non-boring finals this year as the Pistons won (crap) and the Spurs lost (yay). If these two teams somehow make it to the finals, David Stern officially goes on suicide watch.

With Dwight Howard's injured hand making it look like he was handling a greased turkey instead of a basketball, the Magic made it about as close as they could. Top it off with many questionable calls that went the Pistons way, as well as a bunch of late-game turnovers, and the Stan Van Gundy lucky moustache can only go so far. Flip "Sleepy Dwarf" Saunders looks poised to celebrate amid yawns.

Conversely, Chris Paul is making the Hornets the feel-good story in the league right now. I correctly predicted that his piss-poor website would ruin his MVP chances, but I'll be damned if he doesn't look like the best player in the NBA nowadays. When you have two first names, there is little you can't do.

This is all just a silly precursor to what you all want to see: Zaza Pachulia giving the best speech ever!




I'm still so sad the Hawks are out. I'll get over it...I'll get over it.

Avery Gets Da Boot

Avery Johnson, our favorite silly-voiced coach, was fired today as coach of the Dallas Mavericks. This sad news to most NBA fans, who enjoyed his exuberance and his absolutely enormous teeth. In fact, the only people who seem sad to see Avery go are Mark Cuban and that reporter that was given the 9th degree by him a ways back:




We shouldn't gloss over what really is at work here though. Mark Cuban went wayyyy out of his way to get Jason Kidd, Chris Paul made Jason Kidd look like a 90 year-old with a case of the shakes, and Cuban needed a place to throw his aggression. Josh Howard shooting as if he was playing with one contact lens in the whole series didn't help things. As good as the Mavs are, ultimately you never feel like any player or coach on the team is safe (including Dirk) because their owner is about 95% emotion and 5% rational intellectual thought. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely find this brand of human much more entertaining than the rest (it's what has allowed The Real World to stay on television)...I just wouldn't want one as a boss.

Surely with his record and the mind boggling amount of crummy teams who need a lift we're sure Avery will get another shot elsewhere. For now, let's all pour some of our 40 on the ground and salute him.

If you don't want to salute Avery Johnson, yep, you guessed it...OPEN PALMED SLAP ON THE BALLS!

Orlando Wants Some Respect/Dallas Resembling The Hindenburg

Tonight the Magic beat the Raptors 104-103 to go up 2-0 in the series. Even more interesting, Dwight Howard had over 20 points and 20 rebounds as the Magic, becoming the first player in nearly 40 years to do so in consecutive playoff games. The last guy was Nate Thurmond, who played for the San Francisco Warriors (their original name before they deemed it "not gay enough" and went with "Golden State").

The Magic are still looking for some semblence of respect in the playoffs, sitting idly by as analyst after analyst says, "I can't wait to see East title contenders Boston, Detroit and Cleveland!" The Magic certainly aren't going to get their much-deserved respect by beating the Raptors (a team who is Chris Bosh and little else. Bosh scored 29 tonight while the rest of the starting lineup COMBINED to score 17). This makes me excited to see the Magic do some damage in the next round of the playoffs. Coupled with Utah and Philly, I am all-out rooting for the Dangerfield no-respect teams during the playoffs. Carlos Boozer can't even get any respect when he lets Prince stay over!

In other news, that "Dallas winning it all" preseason pick I had is looking as good as Billy Zane's chances of ever being relevant again in mainstream culture. They lost to the Hornets by 24 tonight, their second straight blowout loss. I'd say the door is still open for them since it is a 7 game series, but Chris Paul is completely schooling Kidd out there. Tonight Paul exploded for 32 points and 17 assists, signalling a true end to Kidd's dominance as best point guard (not named Nash) in the league and making it completely obvious he is the MVP this year. The best Dallas could throw back was Brandon Bass, Lance Bass' african american bizarro. Not looking good horsie fans.

Hey, So Some Games Happened This Weekend: Game 1s In Review

Man, what a fantastic first weekend of NBA playoff action!

That was a complete Marv Albert-esque "smack me in the face because that is such a commercial slogan statement", I know, but it is nontheless true.

-The Magic showed that they are a team to be reckoned with, by slaughtering the Raptors with 43 points and an NBA playoff record-tying 9 three-pointers in the first quarter. Bargnani fans everywhere wept.

-The Lakers put the Nuggets away in a game with basically no defense at all (242 combined points were scored). Radmanovic inches ever closer to his "ugliest man to ever win a championship" title.

-In the words of former Arizona Cardinals coach Dennis Green, the Celtics "WERE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!" and easily put the Hawks away by 23 points. The Hawks had as much of a shot of winning one game in this series as the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall had of making me laugh more than once (which, incidentally, it did not do. Save your cash, folks).

-Lebron beat Arenas and company to help the Cavs take a 1-0 lead over the Wiz. This game was really close the whole way through and I am firmly sticking to my prediction that Washington wins this series. How COULD I pick the Cavs when Arenas is taking shots like this?!?

-The Jazz beat Houston in what will probably be the quietest series of the bunch. Rafer and Yao were out, making TMac actually deliver on his "It's on ME!" comments from last year. Results: Not. So. Good. McGrady actually used the words “Yes, we miss Rafer" after the game. That's probably what the people said on the Titanic moments before they drowned.

-Chris Paul is looking mighty fine in the MVP voting after an incredible regular season and game against the Mavs. This is all despite his horrendously shitty website. David West...I acknowledge you are a good player, even though the rest of the world doesn't. Poor wittle D.West...

-The 76ers, my team to shock and awe the rest of the world...by winning 2 of the 6 games in this series (man, I should have really had the cajones to pick more than that)...WON the first game 90-86 in Detroit. Reggie Evans (seen levitating right) looked like a monster and Andre Miller was playing like a career all-star instead of a guy once swapped out for Earl Boykins. If Rodney Carney actually develops, this "Mo Cheeks, Mo Problems" squad has a crazy bright future. Yes, I know that phrase is already played, but I'll be damned if I stop using it!

-And finally the game of the weekend, the Spurs-Suns game which was Ginobili-ified to the max. If you heard a high pitched sound coming from the general direction of the northeast of America, chances are it was me squealing like a schoolgirl with delight while I was watching this one. I don't even particularly like either of these teams, especially San Antonio, but they put on one hell of a show. Tim Duncan 3 pointer for double overtime? Steve Nash with a tying three as he falls out of bounds? Boris Diaw sucking ass and almost singlehandedly losing the game for Phoenix? I have to stop typing before I faint, it was that damn good.

More commentary on the games to come, folks. This postseason is just getting started.

Western Conference Playoff Preview: This Could Get Messy

Now that the Western Conference games are over, we finally have all four match-ups cemented and ready to be predicted upon by idiots like me and Tim Legler. Seriously, we've got this covered. You don't need to watch. Why are you still considering to watch? We're going to tell you who'll win!

LA vs. Denver

Winner: Lakers in 4

Whyzzat?: I think I know the reason for 'Melo's DUI. It probably dawned on him that night that he was going to have his ass handed to him by Kobe in front of a national TV audience. The Lakers swept the regular season series 3-nil by an average of 16+ points and Nuggets gave up a second-worst 106.9 points per game. You could kind of tell that George Karl stopped believing in this team's chances early on since he saw just how bad of a defensive team this is. But damn! They're fun when those shots are falling.

New Orleans vs. Dallas

Winner: Dallas in 7

Whyzzat?: This is the prediction most likely to go wrong as biologists have discovered that my lips are permanently attached to Jason Kidd's ass. Yet, if tonight's game proved anything at all it's that Kidd is done trying to play second fiddle to Dirk. If Dallas can consistently get the ball out of the hands of the phenomenal Chris Paul, they should be able to come away as winners and then get slaughtered in the next round. But, if Chris Shinn feels like firing off his gun into Dirk's face, he's more than welcome to.

San Antonio vs. Phoenix

Winner: Spurs in 7

Whyzzat?: Last year, this match-up was the de facto championship which included nasty cuts, hip checks, and suspensions galore. Instead of following past years' credo to play faster than they ever have before, the Suns have gone the other way with their mid-season acquisition of Shaq. This could actually spell trouble for the defending champs, who are limping into this series with their team MVP, Manu Ginobili, hobbled. HOWEVA, if he can play, he'll put the Spurs over the top.

Utah vs. Houston

Winner: Jazz in 5

Whyzzat?: This year, McGrady's not even going to pretend that it's on him. This team is basically running on fumes and it's a shame. Expect at least one heroic game from Tracy, who may be without Skip To My Lou for part of this series. The Jazz better do the Rockets in quickly because they're not going to want to have to face a well-rested Lakers team after getting into a slug-fest with Houston.