Nice JR!

Um...the ball didn't go in, man.

Olympiakos Is Pissing Me Off

It was only just last week that I thought to myself how highly effective bench players, Linas Kleiza and Von Wafer (who's crotch is being whistled at by Sasha here), were yet unsigned and likely to not cash in on as much money as they probably hoped. But of course, I had not considered that the Greek team, Olympiakos, has been lusting after NBA sixth-man talent like dorks at Comic-Con for the chance to stand next to the bike from Tron (which in retrospect is a horrible movie by the way. It's similar to how you remember Johnny Quest to be a cool show but then watch an episode now and realize it's crap).

Considering that Wafer will be making more than 600% than he made last year and will be in Greece instead of crappy NBA cities like Charlotte, Minnesota or Oklahoma City, I am overcome with envy followed by relief knowing that at least I don't have to pretend to not be staring at Josh Childress' nasty teeth.

And as for Kleiza (seen here smoking an invisible cigarette)? I'm more sad to see him go for the soul reason that he played, like Ginobili early in his NBA career, in a manner that said he had no idea that he wasn't the best player on his own team.

So Whatever Happened on Monday?

By far my favorite parts are Faux Jerry Bus and Faux David Stern.

Denver Nuggets Top LA Lakers in Game 4

Denver Nuggets played an inspired Game 4 at Pepsi Center on Monday, beating LA Lakers 120-101 to even the series 2-2. Nuggets won the Game 4 despite Carmelo Anthony's sprained ankle and stomachache. Anthony finished with 15 points. J.R. Smith and Chauncey Billups led Denver with 24 points each, and Kenyon Martin and Nene added a combined 27 points.

Oh The Humanity!

Immediate Reactions:
1. Who exactly is the host trying to call out as a former WWE employee? Himself? Ron "Jaws" Jaworski? I want the truth!
2. Vince might need to lay off the root beer candy sticks.
3. At the 2:58 mark I'm pretty sure the ESPN host is saying "oh, God!" What did he think Vince was going to pull out? The severed head of Joey Crawford? Socko? A copy of No Holds Barred?
4. Do not cross McMahon for this very reason: On the way home from the XFL's NY/NJ Hitmen's home opener, all the lights in my car blew as I was passing by the HQ of the WWE in Stamford, CT. Some dark shit is going on over there.
5. And why does McMahon think that "Stan Kroenke" is a punchline just like New Jersey is to Governor Patterson?

Semi-Final Prediction Recap Time!

Unlike ESPN, I am not a fan of throwing predictions out there and then not doing any following up whatsoever. It's only fair to see how THF fared with the previous round of the playoffs, with forecasts both boneheaded AND moronic:

Semi-Final Predictions:

Prediction: Cavs in 5
Prediction: Cavs in 4
Heeyyyy, wha happa?: Lebron and the Cavs came out and made the Hawks look even worse than they did against the Heat in round 1. Honestly, did any team look worse in the playoffs this year than Atlanta? Pee-ew. It's 50/50 on whether the Cavs have actually been practicing the past week, or just coming up with new dance moves and intros.


Prediction: Magic in 6
Prediction: Magic in 7
Heeyyyy, wha happa?: The Magic looked like the better team all series, but made REALLY stupid decisions on the court and did not shoot well from the 3 point line. Dwight and company were super close to self-destructing, as was my heart after watching them give up 80 point leads at the ends of nearly all of their games. This series took at least 2 years off my life. On a side note, I realized that Stan Van Gundy looks like every cartoon I've seen on the front of a pizza box.


Prediction: Lakers in 5
Prediction: Lakers in 7
Heeyyyy, wha happa?: The Lakers lost two more than I predicted by half-assing it. There really is no other way to put it, ESPECIALLY with TMac and Yao not playing. The Lakers have become the team no one wants to see win it, while Houston and ooogly Luis Scola have become America's darlings. -Well, until Ron-Ron starts tomahawk-chopping people during the regular season next year. You know that playoff intensity will take a while to wear off.


Prediction: Nuggets in 6
Prediction: Nuggets in 5
Heeyyyy, wha happa?: I am very happy to say that I wrote this before the Nuggets played the Mavs: "The Nuggs represent the best team no one is talking about in this playoffs." Now that everyone and their mother is picking them to possibly upset the Lakers, I can sit back with a shit-eating grin on my face. Still, there seems to be something cosmically off with the idea of a person like George Karl EVER beating a coach like Phil Jackson in anything meaningful. I'm going to have to mull over that one.


And there you have it. I am rather proud of how well the predictions came out with going 4-0. Tomorrow I get back to completely crapping the bed with my idiotic Conference Final Predictions! Until then, keep sucking on those throat losenges, Doc Rivers. Eventually your voice will come back from that gutteral, hoarsey sound it's been the past few weeks.

Attention Dwight Howard: The Nickname "Big Baby" Is Already Taken

For once, I'll actually be semi-serious in this post. It's been an incredibly crummy time to be an Orlando Magic fan.

I was heartbroken by the Magic loss last night. Actually, that is a huge understatement. I was devastated. It wasn't just a loss. For me the loss was accompanied by a few horrific realizations:
1) The Celtics have figured out how to beat the Magic, along with the rest of America: Make them take jumpshots the whole game. This is a flaw the Magic seem to be too wussy to overcome.

2) With the Celtics figuring out how to beat the Magic, this series stands a good chance of being over. The Magic squandered a 2-1 lead and now sit on the brink of elimination.

3) Hedo Turkoglu and Marcin Gortat likely won't be with the Magic next year. Right now might be the best shot the team has for a title with contract hell binding the team's future.

4) Dwight Howard's intensity level, and leadership abilities have been zilch. The guy has come as close to being invisible this playoffs as anyone could imagine, and has shown ZERO heart.

As my head was in my hands, Dwight Howard said this:



I could not believe what I was hearing. Did he not HEAR my #4 point? Dwight Howard, the same guy who was COMPLETELY shut down by Kendrick Perkins to the point of having to take crazy Ewing hook shots (and missing them BADLY), and has been a virtual mute on the court, is calling out his COACHES and his TEAM for not giving him the ball MORE?!

I nearly pooped myself.

It was as I was staring, wide-eyed at the television that the commercial with Dwight Howard came on. You know the one. He's standing by the sea, talking with Charles Barkley on a cell phone, and is pissing on Sir Charles for injuring the video game likeness of himself. It dawned on me then that this press conference evidenced what we all feared: Dwight Howard has completely lost track of reality. His hype has officially eclipsed his intered in improving his post game and his free throws. The same guy we cheered on as he used the Superman dunk to stardom had taken that cape and flown too close to the sun.

Realizing that my team had a coach that it's players hated, had a core that was about to be shredded with the departure of Turkoglu, had a self-centered superstar who looked past his failing team and only saw his pretty reflection, and a future that was locked into a ton of big contracts, I turned off the television.

At this point, I realized who was going to win the championship this year: The Cleveland Cavaliers. I know you Lakers fans are cocky as hell, but the Cavs have everything the Magic don't right now:

-A coach who the players love and believe in.

-A superstar who makes those around him better.

-A team that is filled with selfless players, including Joe Smith who is playing for the team despite not earning or playing much.

-A team that doesn't let up when they see the finish line approaching.

-A team that supports each other, like when the team rallied around Mo Williams not getting an initial All Star invite.

The Lakers are lacking in the last three categories, which is why I think they'll ultimately fall either in the Finals, or (you heard it here first) I could easily see them losing in 6 to the Nuggets.

Anyhoo, my apologies for the drawn out seriousness of this post. I'll be back to normal tomorrow, after my Orlando Magic grieving subsides.

Kenyon Martin Vs Mark Cuban...How Did We Not See This Coming?

The newest rivalry in the NBA is Mark Cuban against Kenyon Martin in a monstrous war of words. Cuban apparently disrespected Martin by talking trash about Kenyon TO HIS MOM (I had to put that in caps...that is just a no-no). Once Kenyon found this out, he promised retribution and spent the majority of last night shouting horrific things at Cuban and the fans of Dallas.

Here is but a smidgeon of what you could hear if you happened to possess ears:



There are not many things in this life that I enjoy more than watching people curse on live television.

Screw Mark Cuban apologizing on his blog (he did already). I can only hope this battle escalates and we start to hear things from other thugs in the series. JR Smith has such a street mentality that he probably has curse words we've never even heard before. Josh Howard is certifiably insane, so he would have to do something entertaining, like bludgeon a chicken at midcourt. It all would culminate in Dirk Nowitzki's crazy crook girlfriend accidentally being sent to play in one of the games because she has so many aliases. Bring your popcorn if this one goes beyond 5 games!

Nostradamus, Move Your Ass Over

So far, my semi picks are completely on track, including my "Rockets stealing a game in L.A." one. I'm feeling good...damn good. So, good, in fact, I'll make a few more predictions:

-Big Baby will get at LEAST 1 technical foul in this series, possibly even getting ejected from a game.

-Kobe Bryant will have an injury scare, which will be milked in the media on a slow news day. Kobe will be completely fine. Again, stay the hell away from Lakers press this playoffs. It will only hurt you.

-Birdman will be on a huge number of talk shows after the Nuggets advance to the West Finals. Every single interviewer will talk incessantly about his drug use, forgetting he even plays basketball.

-The Cavs series will have low television ratings due to blowouts. David Stern will whisper to others, "The Hawks will never make the playoffs again under my watch".

-The record will be set for most times a valley girl looks at a TV screen in a crowded bar and says, "Ewwww. Who is THAT guy?" It will be your job to inform her with a short biography of Stan Van Gundy.

Speaking of Magic, I nearly had a heart attack watching Orlando almost blow a 28 point lead last night. The Magic played awful, but good lord those refs want every single game to go into overtime and they'll be DAMNED if they don't.

My blood pressure is rising so I'd prefer to focus on happier times, such as this monster dunk by Dwight. Enjoy*




I apologize to Celtics fans reading this. I have nothing against you, but the playoffs brings a beast from within that makes me root for the Magic like nothing else. I promise I'll love you again if the Magic beat your brains out. Promise!

We Predict Things: Conference Semi-Fiesta!

Despite what ESPN might have you believe, there actually were other games going on in the first round of the NBA playoffs besides the Celtics and Bulls. I will even dare say that the games have been pretty great to watch for teams that weren't named the Heat or Hawks.

So with the games being so much fun so far, let's take a quick gander into the crystal ball at who will win the conference semifinal matchups:

Who: Cavs vs Hawks

Winner: Cavs in 5

Why: After watching the Hawks this past series, I have made the conclusion that Josh Smith is the next coming of Zach Randolph. -An insanely gifted athlete with a head full of rocks. That being said, the Cavs are scary good this year, and seem like they are genuinely having a blast playing. When you're playing a team that is smiling in high pressure games, you know you're screwed. It almost makes you wonder where would this team be without Wally Szczerbiak. Oh, that's right, exactly where they are right now.

Who: Celtics vs. Magic

Winner: Magic in 6

Why: I'm picking the Magic not only am I a retardedly optimistic homer, but the Celtics are playing against Howard with Kendrick Perkins and Mikki Moore. Sure, there will be that game that Howard gets no calls and the refs make it close, but I see many Big Baby-Howard matchups on the horizon and that spells doom for the Celtics. If the rest of the playoffs are any indication, Rajon Rondo might rip off someone's nose in this series only to have the NBA say it isn't a flagrant foul (Rondo was going after the nose-shaped-basketball, silly goose).

Who: Lakers vs. Rockets

Winner: Lakers in 5

Why: Take a look at that photo of a clean-cut Pau Gasol. You almost want to tell that young lad, "In your future, you will resemble an ogre. Invest in beard combs NOW." Going back to the series, mark my words: The Rockets will steal a game in L.A., prompting the talking heads on TV to talk incessantly about it for a few days. The Rockets will then promptly lose from then on out, and the talk will turn to "who will stop the Lakers" talk. My message here: If you hear the word "Lakers" on the radio, quickly throw it out of the window. You'll save yourself a lot of aggrevation.

Who: Nuggets vs. Mavs

Winner: Nuggets in 6

Why: The Nuggs represent the best team no one is talking about in this playoffs. Half the country is still seeing them for the first time and saying, "Wow...Carmelo Anthony cut his hair? When did THAT happen?" It's sad the Nuggets aren't getting more credit as they really are the only team that can push the Lakers in the West in my opinion. They also crushed the titan known as "Dumars", with a trade so good that it made Denver a contender and crushed the Pistons core for good. This series will also be fun to watch simply for the massive amount of camera cut-aways to a pissed-off-looking Mark Cuban in the stands. If you play a drinking game with it, you will have a good time.

Time to watch the Magic-Celtics game. Post your picks to win in the comments section or shoot us an email. Toodles!

BIRDMAN!

I don't write about the Denver Nuggets nearly enough. Whenever I do write about them, I find myself having fun (evidenced by one of my favorite videos ever).

-The team is led by George Karl, who might be completely crazy.

-They are having one of its best seasons ever despite having a starting lineup that should be nicknamed "The Outsiders" for how little respect they get.

-Rocky, the mascot-type thing pictured above, is a completely under-appreciated gangsta (his wikipedia page...yes he has one...states "Rocky once made his patented backwards half court shot in 9 consecutive games.")

-They are named after a popular McDonalds happy meal food.

Toss all of these things into a cauldron, stir, and you have a great team to root for.

The only thing that could make it better is if they had a crazy, heroin-addicted big man who was the laughingstock of the 2005 slam dunk contest and somehow has come back despite all that to be a solid player in the NBA...

ENTER THE BIRDMAN!



Chris Andersen, or "Birdman"/"Birdzilla", is a fantastic player to watch because you can cheer for him and laugh at his antics all in one sitting. The play above elicited this reaction from me:

"WHOA! THAT WAS AMAZING! Who was that? BIRDMAN?! Hahahaha! I love that guy."

I went from shock, to awe, to confusion, to surprise, to amusement, to admiration...all in 10 seconds. It takes a special player on a special team to do that to a guy. Chris Andersen and the Denver Nuggets, I salute you.

We Talkin' Bout (acting) Practice!

I don't know how I missed this, but based upon the responses I've gotten from a few people it would appear that many of you haven't heard about this either:


That's right, kids! An Allen Iverson biopic/documentary/thingy. I can't decide whether it looks good (Allen Iverson is a pretty interesting guy, more deserving of a film than, say, Mark Blount), or pitiful (that cliche trailer music, mixed with the seemingly poor production value just screams NYU student film). Either way, if this is actually something that hits selected theaters I would see it with my doo rag on. -If for nothing else, just to see this scene, as dictated by his wikipedia page:
-------------------------------------------
On February 24, 2004, Iverson, a noted regular casino patron, was spotted at Bally's Park Place in Atlantic City urinating in a trash can in full view of staff and patrons. He was told by casino management not to return.

It's Dunk Time! Wooooo!!!!......Whoops.

There is no bigger letdown in the world than the missed dunk. Close seconds include when you find out your child has been working in an underground prostitution ring and the 2007-2008 New England Patriots (cue Nelson Muntz going "HAha"). For video evidence of this of a sports anti-climax, let's ironically look at perpetual letdown JR Smith attempting to dunk tonight:



I think the height at which the ball bounces above the rim after the missed dunk is a direct way to measure how disappointing the missed dunk is. That would make this about a 9/10 nut-punch to JR Smith's ego.

I Feel A Sudden Compulsion To Buy Denver Nuggets Season Tickets

When returning from commercial, NBA games usually show interesting shots of the city, the fans, or the players getting a last few important words from their coach. -But every so often, there is a shot of the cheerleaders. -Even more rare, every so often the cheerleaders are good looking. -And perhaps most rare of all, when the stars align and God smiles down upon you, something like this happens:



Even I have to admit the slowmo was pretty crude at the end there, but did you stop watching? That's right, take a good look in the mirror, sinner!

Wow...What A Completely Unscripted Youtube Moment.

By now a lot of you have seen the video with Carmelo Anthony cutting his hair because he lost a video game.  For those of you that haven't, here ya go:

I work in television, so I'm used to getting a lot of crap put in front of my face on a daily basis, and I can say that this is easily one of the most contrived and premeditated videos I've seen in a long time.  Carmelo has his hair out of its dreds while playing, seemingly ready for a haircut JUST IN CASE.  Also, and I suppose this is a smidgeon obvious, they had someone filming the damn thing with what looks like a pretty quality camera...just, you know, IN CASE he lost.  Furthermore, with female guest appearances and an amazingly clean apartment for a "Don't Snitch" young guy, this thing may as well have been shot on a sound stage.  I kept waiting for a boom mike to fall in from the top of the screen.

This, my dear friends, is one of the few shortcomings of Youtube.  Along with that annoying "Kobe jumping over a car" clip, people are starting to use the site as a means to put up "candid" videos that really just are put out by their PR people.  For the most part this sucks, so I call upon the NBA PR folks and agents to start putting out some FUNNY contrived Youtube clips.

My idea: Andrei Kirilenko doing a "complete spontaneous" lumberjack competition with fireworks and supermodels.  -And that idea is pro-bono, folks.  The rest will cost ya.

How To Crapify Your Teams 101

Unless you are hiding under a rock (my apologies to Malcolm X, whom plymouth rock landed upon), you've heard that the Pistons and Nuggets struck a deal today. Yeppers, Allen Iverson is going to Detroit in exchange for Chauncey Billups, Antonio McDyess, and prospect Cheikh Samb. On a side note, Cheikh Samb is totally what I'm naming my first born child.

A lot of people are scratching their heads at this trade, wondering exactly how it will benefit either squad. Tonight, The Howeva Files proudly grades this trade by explaining precisely how it will help both teams: It won't.

Denver Nuggets grade: D

Despite getting some depth here in McDyess, the Nuggets just gave away their top scorer. Billups is great for assists, but who will Melo look to to bail his ass out points-wise when he decides to start clunking bricks off of the backboard? Better start lifting some weights, Anthony Carter.

To make matters worse, Denver fans are really losing faith in this Nuggets team and taking away the star power of Iverson in exchange for two lesser knowns will hit the ticket office. -Not at first, but eventually. Cue George Karl wearing a midriff with a blonde wig to get some publicity.

Detroit Pistons grade: F

I reeeeeeeally have to apologize in advance for this easy analogy, but like a car the Pistons have operated the past few years as a fine oiled machine. Every player fills his niche, which powers the engine to keep pounding out wins. Now they have disrupted the whole thing by chucking a big scorer on a team that spreads the wealth and prides itself on playing turnover-free basketball. You can almost see Flip Saunders laughing and blowing cigar smoke rings in the air between shifts of cleaning the aisles in a movie theater.

To make matters worse, McDyess is one of those guys who quietly contributes when you need him to. You can't have too many bench guys like that, and that will be felt when Rasheed decides to start bashing skulls when his adrenaline runs wild in the playoffs. You could tell that Joe Dumars was feeling some pressure to shake things up, and this was his best option. He should just thank his lucky stars no one had Stephon Marbury in any sort of deal or we'd have Skip Bayless trying to defend the poop end of THAT deal.

Both teams will make the playoffs, and like most teams that shake things up they both will experience success early, but over time this deal will find a way to make solid (or in the case of Denver- shaky) formulas worse. I just hope I'm there when Sheed realizes this and tears Iverson's head from his body. -If for nothing else to hear Marv Albert wax nostalgic about his bedroom proclivities.

Anthony Carter Will Make Up Your Mind For You!

When it's the weekend, the world is your oyster. So many decisions, so little time.

LET ANTHONY CARTER MAKE THOSE DECISIONS FOR YOU!

Western Conference Playoff Preview: This Could Get Messy

Now that the Western Conference games are over, we finally have all four match-ups cemented and ready to be predicted upon by idiots like me and Tim Legler. Seriously, we've got this covered. You don't need to watch. Why are you still considering to watch? We're going to tell you who'll win!

LA vs. Denver

Winner: Lakers in 4

Whyzzat?: I think I know the reason for 'Melo's DUI. It probably dawned on him that night that he was going to have his ass handed to him by Kobe in front of a national TV audience. The Lakers swept the regular season series 3-nil by an average of 16+ points and Nuggets gave up a second-worst 106.9 points per game. You could kind of tell that George Karl stopped believing in this team's chances early on since he saw just how bad of a defensive team this is. But damn! They're fun when those shots are falling.

New Orleans vs. Dallas

Winner: Dallas in 7

Whyzzat?: This is the prediction most likely to go wrong as biologists have discovered that my lips are permanently attached to Jason Kidd's ass. Yet, if tonight's game proved anything at all it's that Kidd is done trying to play second fiddle to Dirk. If Dallas can consistently get the ball out of the hands of the phenomenal Chris Paul, they should be able to come away as winners and then get slaughtered in the next round. But, if Chris Shinn feels like firing off his gun into Dirk's face, he's more than welcome to.

San Antonio vs. Phoenix

Winner: Spurs in 7

Whyzzat?: Last year, this match-up was the de facto championship which included nasty cuts, hip checks, and suspensions galore. Instead of following past years' credo to play faster than they ever have before, the Suns have gone the other way with their mid-season acquisition of Shaq. This could actually spell trouble for the defending champs, who are limping into this series with their team MVP, Manu Ginobili, hobbled. HOWEVA, if he can play, he'll put the Spurs over the top.

Utah vs. Houston

Winner: Jazz in 5

Whyzzat?: This year, McGrady's not even going to pretend that it's on him. This team is basically running on fumes and it's a shame. Expect at least one heroic game from Tracy, who may be without Skip To My Lou for part of this series. The Jazz better do the Rockets in quickly because they're not going to want to have to face a well-rested Lakers team after getting into a slug-fest with Houston.