Olympiakos Is Pissing Me Off

It was only just last week that I thought to myself how highly effective bench players, Linas Kleiza and Von Wafer (who's crotch is being whistled at by Sasha here), were yet unsigned and likely to not cash in on as much money as they probably hoped. But of course, I had not considered that the Greek team, Olympiakos, has been lusting after NBA sixth-man talent like dorks at Comic-Con for the chance to stand next to the bike from Tron (which in retrospect is a horrible movie by the way. It's similar to how you remember Johnny Quest to be a cool show but then watch an episode now and realize it's crap).

Considering that Wafer will be making more than 600% than he made last year and will be in Greece instead of crappy NBA cities like Charlotte, Minnesota or Oklahoma City, I am overcome with envy followed by relief knowing that at least I don't have to pretend to not be staring at Josh Childress' nasty teeth.

And as for Kleiza (seen here smoking an invisible cigarette)? I'm more sad to see him go for the soul reason that he played, like Ginobili early in his NBA career, in a manner that said he had no idea that he wasn't the best player on his own team.

Rockets' Tracy McGrady Changes Jersey Number

Tracy McGrady, Houston Rockets star and guard will change his No. 1 jersey for jersey No. 3. The No. 1 Rockets jersey will go to his swingman Trevor Ariza, LA Lakers player who signed a multiyear deal with Rockets on July 2.

Tracy McGrady wore No. 3 in high school. He is making the switch to promote his humanitarian efforts in the Darfur region of the Sudan and a documentary on his summer 2007 visits to refugee camps in the region. The documentary, "3 Points," is set for release this fall. The title refers to goals of peace, protection and punishment.

Tracy McGrady has donated $75,000 to a humanitarian project in Darfur. He had microfracture surgery on his left knee in late February. Doctors say he needs up to 12 months to recover.

Houstonians, Hold Onto Your McGriddles

As Houston scrambles to figure out how they are going to survive next season without their franchise players Tracy McGrady and Yao Ming, trade rumors are swirling. One of the biggest ones thrown out there will bring Eddy Curry to Houston, the 6th fattest city in the country. If this happens, what will be the over/under that we will see the first 400 lbs. NBA center?

Yao Ming to Exercise Medical Tests

Yao Ming’s broken left foot has been a really bad news for the Houston Rockets team and fans. The fear that Yao won't play for the next season (or maybe even longer) grows as the NBA draft approaching.

"The realization has hit them that this is grave," one NBA general manager said.

Daryl Morey, Houston Rockets general manager won't give any comment on Monday and a Rockets spokesman said they will not have further comment until Yao Ming undergoes additional medical tests.

Semi-Final Prediction Recap Time!

Unlike ESPN, I am not a fan of throwing predictions out there and then not doing any following up whatsoever. It's only fair to see how THF fared with the previous round of the playoffs, with forecasts both boneheaded AND moronic:

Semi-Final Predictions:

Prediction: Cavs in 5
Prediction: Cavs in 4
Heeyyyy, wha happa?: Lebron and the Cavs came out and made the Hawks look even worse than they did against the Heat in round 1. Honestly, did any team look worse in the playoffs this year than Atlanta? Pee-ew. It's 50/50 on whether the Cavs have actually been practicing the past week, or just coming up with new dance moves and intros.


Prediction: Magic in 6
Prediction: Magic in 7
Heeyyyy, wha happa?: The Magic looked like the better team all series, but made REALLY stupid decisions on the court and did not shoot well from the 3 point line. Dwight and company were super close to self-destructing, as was my heart after watching them give up 80 point leads at the ends of nearly all of their games. This series took at least 2 years off my life. On a side note, I realized that Stan Van Gundy looks like every cartoon I've seen on the front of a pizza box.


Prediction: Lakers in 5
Prediction: Lakers in 7
Heeyyyy, wha happa?: The Lakers lost two more than I predicted by half-assing it. There really is no other way to put it, ESPECIALLY with TMac and Yao not playing. The Lakers have become the team no one wants to see win it, while Houston and ooogly Luis Scola have become America's darlings. -Well, until Ron-Ron starts tomahawk-chopping people during the regular season next year. You know that playoff intensity will take a while to wear off.


Prediction: Nuggets in 6
Prediction: Nuggets in 5
Heeyyyy, wha happa?: I am very happy to say that I wrote this before the Nuggets played the Mavs: "The Nuggs represent the best team no one is talking about in this playoffs." Now that everyone and their mother is picking them to possibly upset the Lakers, I can sit back with a shit-eating grin on my face. Still, there seems to be something cosmically off with the idea of a person like George Karl EVER beating a coach like Phil Jackson in anything meaningful. I'm going to have to mull over that one.


And there you have it. I am rather proud of how well the predictions came out with going 4-0. Tomorrow I get back to completely crapping the bed with my idiotic Conference Final Predictions! Until then, keep sucking on those throat losenges, Doc Rivers. Eventually your voice will come back from that gutteral, hoarsey sound it's been the past few weeks.

Tonight Four Teams Decide Their Destiny

Tonight is a HUGE night for the Celtics, Magic, Lakers and Rockets, as two of the four aforementioned teams will be eliminated from the 2009 NBA Playoffs. The Lakers and Magic should win, but the Rockets and Celtics don't seem to have to have that whole "we only win to save face after an embarrasing loss" thing that the Magic and Lakers have.

Yet another year that there is an important series and I am not in the locker room for the pep talk beforehand. This year I would go with a profanity-laden speech as if it were dubbed for network television. It would start out with telling them "This is the most important game of the flippin' season, you pieces of scrap!" and ending simply with, "Go out there and win, mother-truckers."

Ah, who am I kidding? I could never beat this:



It's quite interesting to learn that the snakes are, in fact, monkey-flying and that the plane was available for transport from Monday to Friday (but not on weekends).

We Predict Things: Conference Semi-Fiesta!

Despite what ESPN might have you believe, there actually were other games going on in the first round of the NBA playoffs besides the Celtics and Bulls. I will even dare say that the games have been pretty great to watch for teams that weren't named the Heat or Hawks.

So with the games being so much fun so far, let's take a quick gander into the crystal ball at who will win the conference semifinal matchups:

Who: Cavs vs Hawks

Winner: Cavs in 5

Why: After watching the Hawks this past series, I have made the conclusion that Josh Smith is the next coming of Zach Randolph. -An insanely gifted athlete with a head full of rocks. That being said, the Cavs are scary good this year, and seem like they are genuinely having a blast playing. When you're playing a team that is smiling in high pressure games, you know you're screwed. It almost makes you wonder where would this team be without Wally Szczerbiak. Oh, that's right, exactly where they are right now.

Who: Celtics vs. Magic

Winner: Magic in 6

Why: I'm picking the Magic not only am I a retardedly optimistic homer, but the Celtics are playing against Howard with Kendrick Perkins and Mikki Moore. Sure, there will be that game that Howard gets no calls and the refs make it close, but I see many Big Baby-Howard matchups on the horizon and that spells doom for the Celtics. If the rest of the playoffs are any indication, Rajon Rondo might rip off someone's nose in this series only to have the NBA say it isn't a flagrant foul (Rondo was going after the nose-shaped-basketball, silly goose).

Who: Lakers vs. Rockets

Winner: Lakers in 5

Why: Take a look at that photo of a clean-cut Pau Gasol. You almost want to tell that young lad, "In your future, you will resemble an ogre. Invest in beard combs NOW." Going back to the series, mark my words: The Rockets will steal a game in L.A., prompting the talking heads on TV to talk incessantly about it for a few days. The Rockets will then promptly lose from then on out, and the talk will turn to "who will stop the Lakers" talk. My message here: If you hear the word "Lakers" on the radio, quickly throw it out of the window. You'll save yourself a lot of aggrevation.

Who: Nuggets vs. Mavs

Winner: Nuggets in 6

Why: The Nuggs represent the best team no one is talking about in this playoffs. Half the country is still seeing them for the first time and saying, "Wow...Carmelo Anthony cut his hair? When did THAT happen?" It's sad the Nuggets aren't getting more credit as they really are the only team that can push the Lakers in the West in my opinion. They also crushed the titan known as "Dumars", with a trade so good that it made Denver a contender and crushed the Pistons core for good. This series will also be fun to watch simply for the massive amount of camera cut-aways to a pissed-off-looking Mark Cuban in the stands. If you play a drinking game with it, you will have a good time.

Time to watch the Magic-Celtics game. Post your picks to win in the comments section or shoot us an email. Toodles!

Portland Overcomes Celebrity Sighting In Pivotal Win

As if having to contend with a 7'-6" genetically manufactured basketball machine and the one Tru Warrier of Queens wasn't enough for the young and easily distracted Portland Trailblazers, they have had to compete against their instinctual reaction to fawn all over the British comedic phenom, Russell Brand.

While simultaneously quoting some of his famous lines from Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Brand lead the Rockets to a 11 point lead in the fourth quarter. But minor celebrity sightings failed to keep LaMarcus Aldridge and Brandon Roy down as they single-handedly mounted a comeback all the while mouthing "Inside of You" in Brand's direction.

David Stern Reminds The NFL Sports Are Supposed To Be Fun

While it is a sport I absolutely love, I have been increasingly annoyed at the NFL with its "no celebration" rules. It's getting to the point where ANY touchdown celebration is getting a flag, and players are scared to do anything. Santonio Holmes made one of the best plays in super bowl history, and you still had idiotic sports writers yelling that he didn't get a penalty for holding the football while he did a little dance (they argued that it was a prop).

Contrast that with this:



If that video seems excessive and very, very entertaining, that is because David Stern has come out and said that he welcomes celebrations. This is news to me, since I've seen Davey-boy fine Richard Jefferson and others for very small post-dunk celebrations. The economy and attendance shortages seem to be forcing the NBA to resort to appeasing the groundlings (thank goodness).

In addition to encouraging more Cavs goodness, this means more of one of my favorite celebrations: The Ron Artest Beast celebration. This is captured perfectly in NBA 2k9:



Note: I do this celebration after I win at checkers. I also drink a pair of beer cans, smash them together, throw them at the child or relative I am playing against and give the two-finger salute like Stone Cold Steve Austin. You DON'T come to my black and red checkered house without a whoopin'.

Hey, What's POPPIN?!

Ron Artest is always good for an interview. The moment I saw he was wearing his jersey backwards so the audience could see his name, I knew this would be fun. He has the ability to be incredibly lucid, as he is during the bulk of this interview, but you can see the mischievous 5-year-old self in his eyes whenever anyone else speaks.



My favorite part is Chris Webber simply trying to get through reading the teleprompter without stumbling on his words, while Ron yells "WHO IS THIS?" Remind me to invite Ron-Ron to a party or two (but warn the partygoers NOT to spill any cups of soda on him).

Skip 2 My Lou To The Magic: Trade Grades!

The Trade:

Orlando gets: Rafer Alston

Houston gets: Kyle Lowry, Brian Cook

Memphis gets: Orlando's 1st round pick

Obviously there were more people added to this deal (Mike Wilks, Adonal Foyle), but since most of America is amazed those people still exist, we won't count them.

Orlando's Grade: A-

With Chris Paul giving a nonstop enema to the Orlando Magic guards the other night, it was obvious the team needed to make a deal before the deadline if they didn't want to see the season flushed down the toilet. In less than 24 hours, they orchestrated a deal for a starting point guard in Alston who fits their style perfectly and gave up almost nothing in return. Brian Cook would have been traded for a ham sammitch, and that "first rounder" is currently the 27th pick in what is looking like a crummy draft. Toss in the fact that Rafer has an expiring deal after next year and can remind the general public about that face-less AND1 logo and you've got a steal.

Houston's Grade: A-

It is obvious with McGrady shutting down the season that this team was going nowhere fast. Having a 32 year old Alston getting paid a lot didn't make much sense, and the team had to take a long, hard look at where it was headed. Enter Kyle Lowry, a player the franchise has always coveted and they can use to compete with Aaron Brooks to be the starting PG of the future. While Orlando will get the headlines on this deal because they are a more likely contender for the finals, this could be a deal that benefits Houston more in the end if Lowry keeps his per-minute averages up. Brian Cook adds some bench depth and some much-needed asshole-iness to what is a soft team. It's almost inceivable that a trade can benefit more than one NBA team these days, so write this day down in your journals, kids.

Memphis' Grade: D

Oh yeah, I forgot Memphis was involved in the deal, so there is your perpetual pooped-on victim right there. Memphis got a borderline 2nd round pick and gave up Kyle Lowry, a guy that was viewed as one of the few specks of hope on a volcano of despair in Grizz-country. To make matters worse, they still have no star power on their team to actually, you know, get people to come to their games (a minor detail). It's crazy that we live in a world where the Hornets can't get people to go to their games, Seattle is losing their franchise, and the Grizzlies exist through it all. It boggles the mind. Somewhere Big Country Bryant Reeves just shot a buck and ate it raw on the spot.

Here's some Skip 2 My Lou highlights to enjoy as we ease into the weekend:

Pierce Waves Goodbye To Artest

Watching the Celtics-Rockets game last night, it was hilarious to see Paul Pierce do what pretty much every player wants to do when Artest gets kicked out of a game: Say, "Adios, mofo".



The Rockets wound up winning, but you can tell that the game was still a success in Paul Pierce's mind.

Happy Thanksgiving Hangover Day!

We here at THF hope that you and your family had a very Happy Thanksgiving.  We, obviously, took the day off to focus on giblets and why they are so damn horrendous looking.  Most people had the day off, including (to no one's surprise) this guy, so if you worked over the holiday our hearts go out to you.  You are probably breaking into your boss' car to fill it with giblets right now.

Alright, enough of pilgrims, turkeys, and hats with buckles on them (still waiting for this puritan fashion statement to come back).  Let's all take a deep breath and get ready for the real holiday season to begin:

Three thoughts: 1) I don't know what "Jingle Bell Swings" are, but I want at least two of them. 2) Mutombo's voice appears to have actually just been dubbed with the sound of a coffee bean grinder on "high" setting. 3) You can tell they chucked Luis Scola out there, had him speak, and then ran him back to his trailer while saying, "He said a sentence or two, now get him offscreen! He'll scare the children!"

All Hallows Eve....Uh, Eve...YAO STYLE

I'm a HUGE halloween dork, so I'm getting my outfit together for what should be a completely bezerk costume. I'm going to be an enormous toucan in a sailor outfit. The TV animation company I work for named a character after me that is a baby toucan, so it's not COMPLETELY random. Insert gay sailor/bird joke here.

Anyhoo, with me preparing like a madman, I sadly don't have much time to write tonight, so let's just take a look at my favorite play from the first full night of NBA action: Yao Ming showing the rest of the league that the Rockets may actually catch a lucky break or two this year



Happy soon-to-be-halloween, kiddies.

I Like Joey Dorsey

Rockets rookie Joey Dorsey comes across like a incredibly entertaining guy in every interview he is in. He is refusing to pay for dinners as a rookie, and he may give Brent Barry cornrows. Why are we stuck with analysts like Magic "I say things so obvious that even John Madden would shake his head" Johnson when you have people like this out there?



Hopefully we get a few good years out of him before he descends into the quagmire of "both teams played hard" professionalism. Boo.

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: Rockets

First off, apologies for no entry yesterday. Had a family emergency, but all worked out well and I'm back and better than ever.

Second, CHEERLEADERS!

That's right, there is very little of note to report in the NBA today, and especially very little that is funny/entertaining. That means it is time for cheerleaders...this time from Houston. Houston is the land of quarterback Matt Shaub, baseball player Lance Berkman, um...the Houston Oilers used to play there...uhhhhh....crap, I need to visit Houston just to find out what kind of cool stuff is there. While I look up what is in Houston on wikipedia, please check out these dancers.

Thank you and goodnight.

Video of the Day: Chinese Basketball Interviewees Have Robot Voices

The thing you have to love about extremely tall asian basketball dudes: They appear to have the market on monotone, low baritone voices completely monopolized.

Seriously, listening to Yi and Yao sounds like two varying recordings of that macintosh computer voice. I actually expected Yi in this clip to start of his response by saying, "Uhhhhh....(thoughtful pause)...does not compute...does not compute...does not compute..." (various sparks shoot out of his neck as his eyes glow red).



In related news, apparently Yao bragged that China would come in 6th place in the Olympics in basketball this year. This is considered foolhardy, as most don't expect them to do any better than 8th place. I will reserve judgement in light of Yao and Yi's voices proving they are in fact robots. -Mostly because I haven't yet seen the end of The Terminator so I do not have an idea of the best way to vanquish them.

Who's That Person Rocketing Into The Stands?

Oh what a delightful title pun.

Yes, yes...Ron-Ron Artest looks headed off to Houston in exchange for a 1st round pick, Bobby Jackson, and promising rookie Donte Green. This makes both the Kings and Rockets happy, as the Rockets get a promising all-star defender and the Kings get...well...an assurance that they will not be on ESPN for at least a year (their biggest "star" is either Kevin Martin or the Sacramento squawfish) Someone needs to call the Maloofs and tell them that something actually happened with the team they own while they sip on Appletinis with strippers in a jacuzzi.

This makes for quite an interesting roster for the Rockets:

PG: Streetball star Rafer Alston
SG: Tracy "Doctor Says I need a back-eotomy" McGrady
SF: Ron-Ron...nuff said.
PF: Antonio Banderas (Now going by the name "Luis Scola")
C: Yao, the filthiest mouth in the NBA

Not to mention our favorite player...I will use this random drunk guy in Vegas to remind us of his name:



If that roster doesn't sell some basketball tickets, it will DEFINITELY sell some circus tickets.

What Every Rockets Fan Is Thinking As They Watch This Series

Sure, the Rockets had that great winning streak during the season...but we all knew that TMac and company would inevitably go belly up as soon as they got in the playoffs. Even worse, as soon as they drew the Utah Jazz (the team they lost to last year) the writing was on the wall that their time in the sun would most likely end in most heartbreaking fashion.

-But why even try to explain what it's like to be a Houston fan right now, down 0-2 and knowing your team needs TMac to suddenly erase the gene him and Vince Carter share that makes daily effort so difficult? Sometimes the gift of song can tell the story like no other:

Western Conference Playoff Preview: This Could Get Messy

Now that the Western Conference games are over, we finally have all four match-ups cemented and ready to be predicted upon by idiots like me and Tim Legler. Seriously, we've got this covered. You don't need to watch. Why are you still considering to watch? We're going to tell you who'll win!

LA vs. Denver

Winner: Lakers in 4

Whyzzat?: I think I know the reason for 'Melo's DUI. It probably dawned on him that night that he was going to have his ass handed to him by Kobe in front of a national TV audience. The Lakers swept the regular season series 3-nil by an average of 16+ points and Nuggets gave up a second-worst 106.9 points per game. You could kind of tell that George Karl stopped believing in this team's chances early on since he saw just how bad of a defensive team this is. But damn! They're fun when those shots are falling.

New Orleans vs. Dallas

Winner: Dallas in 7

Whyzzat?: This is the prediction most likely to go wrong as biologists have discovered that my lips are permanently attached to Jason Kidd's ass. Yet, if tonight's game proved anything at all it's that Kidd is done trying to play second fiddle to Dirk. If Dallas can consistently get the ball out of the hands of the phenomenal Chris Paul, they should be able to come away as winners and then get slaughtered in the next round. But, if Chris Shinn feels like firing off his gun into Dirk's face, he's more than welcome to.

San Antonio vs. Phoenix

Winner: Spurs in 7

Whyzzat?: Last year, this match-up was the de facto championship which included nasty cuts, hip checks, and suspensions galore. Instead of following past years' credo to play faster than they ever have before, the Suns have gone the other way with their mid-season acquisition of Shaq. This could actually spell trouble for the defending champs, who are limping into this series with their team MVP, Manu Ginobili, hobbled. HOWEVA, if he can play, he'll put the Spurs over the top.

Utah vs. Houston

Winner: Jazz in 5

Whyzzat?: This year, McGrady's not even going to pretend that it's on him. This team is basically running on fumes and it's a shame. Expect at least one heroic game from Tracy, who may be without Skip To My Lou for part of this series. The Jazz better do the Rockets in quickly because they're not going to want to have to face a well-rested Lakers team after getting into a slug-fest with Houston.