Brook Lopez Falls in Empty Izod Center, Does Not Make a Sound

EAST RUTHERFORD, New Jersey - Interim New Jersey Nets coach and part-time Metro-North conductor, Tom Barrise, was required to phone in the box score to the local papers this evening after the franchise lost its NBA-record 18th straight game to start its season since no one besides the participants actually witnessed the game.

"We're hoping that adding the blinding star power of Kiki Vandeweghe to our bench and a new line of flashy suits for Eduardo Najera will bring the fans out on Friday night," sighed Barrise. "Seriously...it was so empty tonight that Brook Lopez took a charge in the 2nd quarter and he didn't even make a noise. Hopefully I'll be here next year when our new owner will shower us with Russian hookers."

The Nets Stadium's 18th Possible Design

The Nets unveiled what looks like the final design for their new "will it or won't it happen" Brooklyn stadium today.  Since I have trouble with flash images and am too lazy to learn, to check it out, paste the link below into your browser:

http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/09/09/new-design-unveiled-for-atlantic-yards-arena/?scp=1&sq=barclays%20center&st=cse

If you are like me, you think the thing looks like a giant fat beetle.  After games, I can imagine this thing scurrying up Brendan Fraser's leg like it did in The Mummy.

That this stadium looks like a beetle is not to say that it is bad.  I applaud this new design BECAUSE it looks so different and weird.  Brooklyn, unlike Manhattan, is devoid of many iconic eye-catching buildings.  It is a maze of warehouses, apartment buildings, parks, and coffee shops and it lacks that one thing that will make tourists say, "I HAVE to go to Brooklyn while I am in town to see THIS!"  Right now, as a New Yorker, I can tell you the current structure filling that description is the only Target in the area.  This building will at least make people want to look like the gigantic insect no doubt hiding out in David Stern's thick shell of a body (Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith should be alerted to his whereabouts).

To make matters even better, Barclays is sponsoring it.  For those of you not in the know, Barclays is the enormous conglomerate that sponsors the ENTIRE LEAGUE of English soccer...er..."football".  There, it is the "Barlays Premier League.  That's like a company sponsoring the NFL (I like the sound of "Trojan Brand Latex National Football League).

With all of these posts about the Nets recently, they are going to be one hell of a strange team to watch in the coming years.  Jay Z...don't quit your day job.

Nets Jerseys Are The Village Bicycle

We've already reported that the Nets will start giving out free jerseys for opposing teams this upcoming season, something that will no doubt help attendance in the short term and hurt the team's fanbase in the long term.  Now, the Nets are doing their best to top that.

According to multiple sources, the Nets will start putting advertising on their practice jerseys.  Unfortunately it will not be the scantily-clad ladies of GoDaddy.com, but will be some company called PNY Technologies (which is likely pronounced "Punany").  I give it, oh let's say 1 whole year before the Nets' jerseys look like this:

I, personally, will wait to purchase the "Mellow Yellow" alternate jersey.

This is just the latest in a long line of gimmicks the Nets are chucking out there to get ANYONE to watch a team that lists Devin Harris, Courtney Lee, and Brook Lopez as its biggest stars. I don't know about you, but I am SUPER excited to see what they do next.  Zombie Drazen Petrovic Theme Night can't be far off (too soon?)  

Somewhere Vince Carter is watching this and thanking God he got out of Jersey.  -Well, watching for a short while until he spots a bird out his window and tries to chase it (the guy has A.D.D, people.)

The Nets Just Hit A New Low

Just when you thought the Nets were going to sink even lower, perhaps by putting Yinka Dare's jersey in the rafters, news comes that makes it even sadder:  The Nets announced that they will offer packages next year that give out jerseys for PLAYERS ON OPPOSING TEAMS.

Yep, that's right.  As if the Nets had anything but purple #24  jerseys in the stands when they played the Lakers anyway, now the folks in the purple jerseys got them from the Nets staff.  As a rabid fan of my teams, and especially the jerseys and logos that represent them, this is nothing less than unconditional surrender on the part of the Nets' marketing team.  They know there is nothing bringing these fans to the stadium except a cheaper way than MSG to see Lebron and Kobe.  Even the Grizzlies and Bucks must look at this and shake their heads, and they're one more losing season away from "sleep with the team dancer of your choice" to sell tickets.

The best part is that the Izod center, where the Nets play, is filled with gigantic photos everywhere of Skiers wearing Izod clothes.  Now you have a home basketball game, filled with visitor's jerseys, in a stadium featuring another sport entirely.  Amazing!

For shame, Nets management...for shame.

Magic Acquired Nets Guard Vince Carter

Orlando Magic have brought in All Star New Jersey Nets guard Vince Carter in a 5 player trade. Magic also acquired forward Ryan Anderson, and in return gave NJ Nets Courtney Lee and Rafer Alston and Tony Battie. The Magic Nets trade will allow NJ Nets to clear almost $18 million of cap space for the 2010-11 season and ships the 32 year Vince Carter back to his home state of Florida. Vince Carter now lives in Orlando. He spent almost five years with New Jersey Nets, after coming over in a blockbuster deal from Toronto early in the 2004-05 season.

As We Approach The XMas Break...

- Summer 2010 is still the biggest story. We could very well have flying cars, the cure for cancer and an Oscar award-winning Kevin Federline, but I'm pretty sure what we'll still be talking about in 2010 is who will LeBron sign with. Considering his posturing as a native New Yorker despite his team's legitimate chance for a championship, it's understandable if LeBron James doesn't have his mind made up, but shut up and stop giving false hope to Cavs fans.

- Yi is a geezer. I'm not one to say he's old, but Yi talks about what was wrong with the Ford administration, has it written in his contract that he should be in bed by 8, starts conversations about friends who just died, and needs his oatmeal pre-chewed.

Devin Harris And I Think Alike

Devin Harris, otherwise known in THF circles as That Cosby Kid, took a splash out of bounds in the Lakers game the other day. I was watching this game and totally didn't notice the best part of it at first. Rewinding my DVR helped erase the happy confusion of why the cameraman kept showing the Lakers cheerleaders:



Gotta love it. The amazing thing is that although Devin Harris has rather large teeth and ears that would allow him to fly away were you to put a feather in his trunk, you KNOW he is such a pimp inside that he could probably pick up any one of those lovely ladies. That is the very definition of badass.

After this comedic display, it matters not that the Lakers outscored the Nets by 27 points. 'Twas Devin Harris that won this game.

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: Nets

Slow news day. Cheerleader time.

I grew up in New Jersey (Flashes Hackettstown Gang Sign, which resembles a man tipping over a cow), so I have a soft spot in my heart for the Nets. That soft spot is held primarily by the pity I felt for them growing up as I would walk by their merchandise shops and see the jerseys of their "stars" belonged to Derrick Coleman and Yinka Dare. Eesh.

What they don't have in consistently entertaining basketball, the Nets make up for in dancers. Every dancer in the tri-state area that was unwilling to sleep with Isiah Thomas or scarf down philly cheesesteaks with Andy Reid-esque fat guys got booted to New Jersey, so many fans are treated to some great cheerleaders. Sure, they may be terrorized by an A.D.D. patient in Vince Carter, but that is a small price to pay to not have Stephon Marbury offering you tours of the inside of his car.

Video of the Day: Chinese Basketball Interviewees Have Robot Voices

The thing you have to love about extremely tall asian basketball dudes: They appear to have the market on monotone, low baritone voices completely monopolized.

Seriously, listening to Yi and Yao sounds like two varying recordings of that macintosh computer voice. I actually expected Yi in this clip to start of his response by saying, "Uhhhhh....(thoughtful pause)...does not compute...does not compute...does not compute..." (various sparks shoot out of his neck as his eyes glow red).



In related news, apparently Yao bragged that China would come in 6th place in the Olympics in basketball this year. This is considered foolhardy, as most don't expect them to do any better than 8th place. I will reserve judgement in light of Yao and Yi's voices proving they are in fact robots. -Mostly because I haven't yet seen the end of The Terminator so I do not have an idea of the best way to vanquish them.

Bay Area Citizens Now Forced To Clutch Onto Their Laptops

When I moved to Brooklyn in the summer of 2006 I was a pessimistic and non-committal Celtics fan. I had already endured sometimes mediocre, but mostly laughable pro basketball for 10+ years from the only team on TV in Connecticut and once I had settled into my new digs, my allegiance was up for sale. BBJ was adamant that I make the switch over to the Nets, yet I was still intrigued by the possibility that the Celts would secure UConn star point, Marcus Williams, and the second-coming of Bill Russell in Greg Oden over the next two drafts.

On the evening of the '06 draft, Jor and Rantin' John were waiting for me as I raced up the stairs to Jor's apartment to find out the picks I had missed while stuck on the platform waiting for the L train (a rite of passage for all Brooklyn hipsters).

"You traded for Telfair" was all it took for me to collapse to the floor in anguish.

As the remaining picks unfolded (hilariously, might I remind you that this was the draft that included MJ's pick of Morrison, Jor's assurance to commit hari kari if the Magic picked JJ Redick, Rudy Gay's watch, Balkman- inspired riots, Saer Sene, and McHale getting congratulated for picking the can't-miss Brandon Roy THEN trading him away) I saw Marcus land on the doorstep of the Nets. All of pro ball's experts and ESPN's haircuts said this was a draft day steal and that Danny Ainge was an idiot. I agreed and the soon-to-be Brooklyn Nets had one new fan.

Flash forward to today, the Celtics are world champs and Marcus Williams is exiled from the Nets and is now trying to fill in the vacated point guard spot left by Baron Davis. Not that I'm bitter, but WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!?! At this point, I'm confidant that I won't have to worry that my laptop will go missing whenever I go away for a long weekend, but am not in regards to the future of Williams' career. Maybe Nets coach, Lawrence Frank's disgust for Marcus was ill-founded and Williams will blossom out west under the legendary Don Nelson, but it seems more likely that all the GMs who passed on him, including Ainge, actually knew what they were doing back on June 28, 2006.

Who Else Likes Trades?!?!

This guy does, cause he got out of Milwaukee. However, in bat$**t crazy news, the New Jersey Nets have decided to trade Richard Jefferson to Milwaukee for Yi Jianlian and Busty Busterson Bobby Simmons. If you ask Milwaukee right now, they love trades. They got RJ for 300 million Chinese fans basically. If Yi really and truly hated it there (like he said he was going to and his agent said he was going to and everyone else besides Bucks ownership said he was going to), then I'll be pretty excited to see what he will do in New Jersey.

I think New Jersey will give Yi a chance to be on the receiving end of better team basketball, which will help him grow considerably more than he would watching Michael Redd shoot. Personally, I don't think Yi is a bust. If he was going in that direction, he would look more like Wang Zhi Zhi by now. As far as Most Improved Player '05 Bobby Simmons goes, I don't know what he brings to the table for New Jersey. They have such a glaring need for 6'6" combo guards I guess.

As far as Milwaukee goes, they stole an All-Star. Does this get them closer to contending in the East? No it sure doesn't. Does this give them an out in the Get-Rid-of-Yi-Amicably game? Yes it does. So happy trails RJ, good luck with that franchise, and I'll have fun playing Association mode in NBA 2K9 with your squad; I'll have you contending by 2011, and I'll bring you more superstars. You can take solace in that.

Jay-Z Finally Comes Out From Behind The Curtain

First off, congrats to the Chicago Bulls for defying the odds (the 1.7 percent chance odds) to win the 2008 NBA lottery. This team, who already appears to be better than their 33-49 record with Hinrich, Hughes, Gordon, Deng, Noah, Tyrus Thomas, and Drew Gooden, can now officially add Derrick Rose or Michael Beasley. It's like a great fantasy basketball team, minus any actual field goal percentage or assist stats. Meanwhile, somewhere Pat Riley is smoking a cigar and cackling about how he got out at just the right time while Miami sits at spot #2.

-But more important than the Bulls winning was today, May 20th 2008, marked the day that the Nets officially became cool. They've always been sorta fun, with their mascot Sly the Fox and Vince Carter taking ill-advised halfcourt three pointers for no reason whatsoever, but Jay-Z finally came out of hiding and embraced his role as team owner.

Tonight Jay-Z appeared at the lottery and smiled awkwardly amongst the people who were simply amazed to see him. Half looked at him and said, "That's the legendary Jay-Z. This is quite bizarre. I guess he is stepping up as the Nets owner." The other half thought, "Beyonce is engaged to THAT guy? Man, he MUST be talented and rich." Regardless, one thing that was assured with his coming out party? That reporters will slowly but surely kill off the entire Jay-Z catalog of songs with smarmy references to them:

You can see the reporter's mind turning, thinking "I'm going to make a reference to his song '99 problems'...this is going to be COMIC GOLD!" Thus is life as Jay-Z, seeing morons butcher your lyrics and having to grin and bear it. It's only a matter of time before a dorky Steve Berthume-type sports anchor says, "With a win tonight, the Nets were truly 'Big Pimpin'". Whomever says this must be immediately executed.