Hot Cheerleader Wednesday: Atlanta Hawks

Yes, yes, I KNOW it's Thursday...but I'll be damned if we let the site's #1 staple falls by the wayside due to such a frivolous technicality.

I've decided to change the format of the HCW to be that of an entire team's cheerleaders. While Dolphins Cheerleader Lilly Robbins is a star all in herself, just finding one name cheerleaders is just something I am far too lazy to do.

In honor of the Hawks losing by 43 points to the Magic the other day, I've decided today's HCW would focus on Atlanta. Not only was I just there to visit relatives, but I'd like to show some mercy to Hawks fans after they got destroyed. Consider it an olive branch from a Magic fan like myself. This will all go away if the Hawks somehow beat the Magic tonight in game 2, because I am just that much of a bastard.

Anyhow, enough talk. Meet the Hawks dancers:

Semi-Final Prediction Recap Time!

Unlike ESPN, I am not a fan of throwing predictions out there and then not doing any following up whatsoever. It's only fair to see how THF fared with the previous round of the playoffs, with forecasts both boneheaded AND moronic:

Semi-Final Predictions:

Prediction: Cavs in 5
Prediction: Cavs in 4
Heeyyyy, wha happa?: Lebron and the Cavs came out and made the Hawks look even worse than they did against the Heat in round 1. Honestly, did any team look worse in the playoffs this year than Atlanta? Pee-ew. It's 50/50 on whether the Cavs have actually been practicing the past week, or just coming up with new dance moves and intros.


Prediction: Magic in 6
Prediction: Magic in 7
Heeyyyy, wha happa?: The Magic looked like the better team all series, but made REALLY stupid decisions on the court and did not shoot well from the 3 point line. Dwight and company were super close to self-destructing, as was my heart after watching them give up 80 point leads at the ends of nearly all of their games. This series took at least 2 years off my life. On a side note, I realized that Stan Van Gundy looks like every cartoon I've seen on the front of a pizza box.


Prediction: Lakers in 5
Prediction: Lakers in 7
Heeyyyy, wha happa?: The Lakers lost two more than I predicted by half-assing it. There really is no other way to put it, ESPECIALLY with TMac and Yao not playing. The Lakers have become the team no one wants to see win it, while Houston and ooogly Luis Scola have become America's darlings. -Well, until Ron-Ron starts tomahawk-chopping people during the regular season next year. You know that playoff intensity will take a while to wear off.


Prediction: Nuggets in 6
Prediction: Nuggets in 5
Heeyyyy, wha happa?: I am very happy to say that I wrote this before the Nuggets played the Mavs: "The Nuggs represent the best team no one is talking about in this playoffs." Now that everyone and their mother is picking them to possibly upset the Lakers, I can sit back with a shit-eating grin on my face. Still, there seems to be something cosmically off with the idea of a person like George Karl EVER beating a coach like Phil Jackson in anything meaningful. I'm going to have to mull over that one.


And there you have it. I am rather proud of how well the predictions came out with going 4-0. Tomorrow I get back to completely crapping the bed with my idiotic Conference Final Predictions! Until then, keep sucking on those throat losenges, Doc Rivers. Eventually your voice will come back from that gutteral, hoarsey sound it's been the past few weeks.

We Predict Things: Conference Semi-Fiesta!

Despite what ESPN might have you believe, there actually were other games going on in the first round of the NBA playoffs besides the Celtics and Bulls. I will even dare say that the games have been pretty great to watch for teams that weren't named the Heat or Hawks.

So with the games being so much fun so far, let's take a quick gander into the crystal ball at who will win the conference semifinal matchups:

Who: Cavs vs Hawks

Winner: Cavs in 5

Why: After watching the Hawks this past series, I have made the conclusion that Josh Smith is the next coming of Zach Randolph. -An insanely gifted athlete with a head full of rocks. That being said, the Cavs are scary good this year, and seem like they are genuinely having a blast playing. When you're playing a team that is smiling in high pressure games, you know you're screwed. It almost makes you wonder where would this team be without Wally Szczerbiak. Oh, that's right, exactly where they are right now.

Who: Celtics vs. Magic

Winner: Magic in 6

Why: I'm picking the Magic not only am I a retardedly optimistic homer, but the Celtics are playing against Howard with Kendrick Perkins and Mikki Moore. Sure, there will be that game that Howard gets no calls and the refs make it close, but I see many Big Baby-Howard matchups on the horizon and that spells doom for the Celtics. If the rest of the playoffs are any indication, Rajon Rondo might rip off someone's nose in this series only to have the NBA say it isn't a flagrant foul (Rondo was going after the nose-shaped-basketball, silly goose).

Who: Lakers vs. Rockets

Winner: Lakers in 5

Why: Take a look at that photo of a clean-cut Pau Gasol. You almost want to tell that young lad, "In your future, you will resemble an ogre. Invest in beard combs NOW." Going back to the series, mark my words: The Rockets will steal a game in L.A., prompting the talking heads on TV to talk incessantly about it for a few days. The Rockets will then promptly lose from then on out, and the talk will turn to "who will stop the Lakers" talk. My message here: If you hear the word "Lakers" on the radio, quickly throw it out of the window. You'll save yourself a lot of aggrevation.

Who: Nuggets vs. Mavs

Winner: Nuggets in 6

Why: The Nuggs represent the best team no one is talking about in this playoffs. Half the country is still seeing them for the first time and saying, "Wow...Carmelo Anthony cut his hair? When did THAT happen?" It's sad the Nuggets aren't getting more credit as they really are the only team that can push the Lakers in the West in my opinion. They also crushed the titan known as "Dumars", with a trade so good that it made Denver a contender and crushed the Pistons core for good. This series will also be fun to watch simply for the massive amount of camera cut-aways to a pissed-off-looking Mark Cuban in the stands. If you play a drinking game with it, you will have a good time.

Time to watch the Magic-Celtics game. Post your picks to win in the comments section or shoot us an email. Toodles!

Josh Smith FAIL

Some guys don't reeeeeally get that they are in the playoffs. Sure, they get that they are stuck playing more games, there are more cameras, and suddenly people give a crap about their bobblehead dolls...but besides that it's still all fun and games.

Josh Smith is one said creature. Whenever you watch him in the playoffs, he lacks that stare of anger and intensity that people like Kobe and KG have in knowing they will ultimately be remembered for their championships. Instead, you get this, an EPIC DUNK FAIL:


Don't get me wrong...had he made that dunk the world would be singing his praises. Instead, he is caught with his junk in his hands and the better part of the press saying that he has no idea how important each point in these games are. My solution? Do the same ridiculous dunks while wearing a teal-colored "I am taking this game seriously" shirt. It will clear up any confusion, while still appealing to groundlings like me.

Me Likey Blocks

NBA.com's "block of the night" segment is quickly becoming one of my favorite things ever and I strongly suggest you all check it out. Since the dunk and the three-point shot have both become somewhat ordinary, a monster blocked shot is the one play that will still lift people out of their seats and shake their booties. It is the streetball equivalent of sleeping with someone's wife.

To see the sheer force and excitement in a good block, here is a choice selection from Solomon Jones of the Hawks the other night:



After getting your shot blocked that badly, there is really not very much you can do except change your name, get a new set of friends, and move to a remote location somewhere near the island on Lost. The shame would just be too much.

Joe Johnson Is Boring

As is alluded to in THF friend-site Free Darko's book "The Macrophenomenal Basketball Almanac", Joe Johnson is one of the most lukewarm guys in a league of exciting personalities. I've noticed that whenever anyone is talking about him on sports highlights, it is usually in some stat-related capacity. For example, "Lebron with the THUNDER-JAM! Then, Mo Williams with the NO-LOOK-SHIMMY-SHIMMY-YAW SHIMMY SHIMMY YAY!...Joe Johnson also netted 38 points as the Hawks went on to beat the Cavs..."

If you missed Joe Johnson's yawn-worthy exploits in the NBA All Star Weekend's first ever H-O-R-S-E (where they spelled G-E-I-C-O?!) game, let this video be a trip inside the drabness that is JJ. Here he is, attempting to show up Lebron and Dwight Howard's crazy pregame shots with one of his own:



Oh sorry, I nodded off for a second. Did something happen? Oh, Joe Johnson shot from a chair, something I actually did to win a game of h-o-r-s-e when I was in third grade? Fantastic. I'm going back to bed. Wake me when Lebron does that underwater.

Say Goodbye To Your Face, Steve

The Suns may have won the game against Atlanta today, but in Josh Smith's mind he is a winner. Check out this dunk/murder by Josh Smith.



That's I guess what happened on that planet in Star Wars when they said "It's as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced".

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day..Er..Weekend: Hawks

Watching Michael Phelps and yawning over the early round poundings of Team USA Basketball over their opponents?

Yeah, me too.

Therefore, let's usher in a weekend in style. Today, we go to a land filled with southern accents, fatty food, Chipper Jones, and red clay (they have red clay instead of dirt...gets all over everything): ATLANTA!

The majority of my family resides in Atlanta, a bizarre situation considering all of us grew up and lived in New Jersey. The city is really underrated (probably due to its annual "most polluted air" championships in Men's Health), and the people there are all unbelievably nice. Most of all, they don't do anything small there. It's ALL supersized.

With that in mind, a supersized, weekend-filling batch of Atlanta Hawks "A-Town" Team Dancers. Have a good weekend, folks.

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day:

The Hawks matched the Grizzlies offer for Josh Smith, and when the top headline of the NBA reads "Grizzlies to continue to suck", you know it's a slow day. Time for cheerleaders.

Goodness, we've had a lot of slow days/cheerleaders lately, haven't we?

Today we travel to the land of cowboy hats, tumbleweeds, southern accents, and...Ginobili. The Spurs dancers frequently enjoy running around in schoolgirl outfits, a male fantasy that continues to elude me. I went to a catholic high school, so I saw those outfits every day. When you see something that often, especially with people who are not shaped like cheerleaders (more like the bus they travel in), the costume loses some of its panache.

Ah, who am I kidding? It's a fun way to go into the weekend. See you Monday!

Here's To Hoping For A Finals We Can Actually Watch!

'Twas a bittersweet night for NBA fans hoping for a non-boring finals this year as the Pistons won (crap) and the Spurs lost (yay). If these two teams somehow make it to the finals, David Stern officially goes on suicide watch.

With Dwight Howard's injured hand making it look like he was handling a greased turkey instead of a basketball, the Magic made it about as close as they could. Top it off with many questionable calls that went the Pistons way, as well as a bunch of late-game turnovers, and the Stan Van Gundy lucky moustache can only go so far. Flip "Sleepy Dwarf" Saunders looks poised to celebrate amid yawns.

Conversely, Chris Paul is making the Hornets the feel-good story in the league right now. I correctly predicted that his piss-poor website would ruin his MVP chances, but I'll be damned if he doesn't look like the best player in the NBA nowadays. When you have two first names, there is little you can't do.

This is all just a silly precursor to what you all want to see: Zaza Pachulia giving the best speech ever!




I'm still so sad the Hawks are out. I'll get over it...I'll get over it.

Bachelor Party Weekend Preview

I normally would write something here about Atlanta's HUGE win over the Celtics tonight to push it to the most unlikely 7th game in recent memory, but there is actually something more important to discuss:

Tomorrow night is my bachelor party...being thrown by none other than Anubis Taylor. I do not know much of what is going to happen other than:

1) The drinking will begin at appoximately 11am Saturday and end roughtly 11pm Sunday. Two days worth of liquid goodness with a slew of my best friends in the world (who hopefully won't shave my head as I sleep).

2) There will be scantily-clad women involved. When asked what profession of stripper I would prefer, I immediately said with a straight face, "no clowns."

3) The festivities will be in Atlantic City, which (from what I have picked up from going there since I was a wee child) is a land of elegance and beauty where nothing seedy takes place.

4) One of my friends, Doug, has been texting me every single day of this past week. Each text has detailed how difficult it will be for my liver and soul to recover from this upcoming weekend, likening it to the moment "when Lucifer fell from heaven".

5) Just in case the weekend isn't crazy enough, we will be bringing along a copy of the Motley Crue biography "The Dirt" for ideas. If I start snorting ants with Ozzy Osbourne, I will know where the idea came from.

6) I already know Anubis Taylor has purchased at least one "adult entertainment feature". The name of this masterpiece is "Rack In Demand".

-And that's just what I KNOW. If I survive all of this, I am sure I will be a better man for it. -Not because I will have sowed all of my wild oats and can begin my life as a married man. Rather, I like to think of it as a weekend where I just kill all of the evil brain cells in my head in one fell swoop.

Details to come. Viva Atlantic City!

The Only Logical Way To Act After Getting Your Shot Blocked

There is no worse feeling in the world than getting your shot blocked in basketball. You can get dunked on, you can get your ankles broken on a drive...heck you can even get "the clap" from a team cheerleader...but it is hard to stomach watching your ball get swatted into the stands. The only thing that comes close is an airball, and even then you can sorta giggle it off and take solace in the fact that Antoine Walker shot about 37 a game during his prime. With a blocked shot, it's like someone took a look at your shot and said, "No soup for you!" through the art of interpretive dance.

Up until now, no one could really think of any rational reaction to getting their shot blocked other than to just stare as it went out of bounds and have a tear roll down their cheek like that highway indian from those old commercials. This is why Rajon Rondo is truly a pioneer in coming up with what may be the only possible face-saving reaction to a blocked shot:

RIPPING GUY'S DAMN SHOE OFF AND CHUCKING IT!




Jolly good show, Rajon.

On a sidenote: With Detroit's slamdown of Philly tonight in game 6 (Called this series to a T!) it looks like we have another Pistons-Magic series on our hands. The Pistons always seem to get the best of the Magic, but this year I actually like the Magic to emerge victorious. I call Magic in 7 in a surprisingly tough, well fought series. Somewhere Darko is on the beach right now smoking a blunt and vaguely remembering being on these two teams.

Boston Wins Game 3...Wait...What?!

I'm waiting for Josh Smith to pull the mask off and reveal he was Eli Manning all along.

Tonight there was a different young underdog that smooshed pie in the face of a New England goliath in the playoffs, as the Hawks somehow beat the Celtics 97-92. This tied the series 2-2, winning money for people crazy enough to actually ever put money on the Hawks.

Joe Johnson scored 35 points, Josh Smith scored 28, and Mike Bibby scored 18, while Al Horford pulled down 13 boards. Marvin Williams, it should be noted, apparently still is alive and plays in the NBA. He scored 8 points amid stone-faced fans who continue to try to figure out how he was drafted over Chris Paul and Deron Williams (my guess: a damn good moustache).

The next game is back the land of tea-dumping colonials, where the Hawks will no doubt face a majorly pissed-off KG and company. The Celtics, after all, were so dominant during the regular season that by losing these two games in the playoffs they matched how many games they lost in the entire month of November. The Hawks' surprising moxie, coupled with watching lovable freaks Big Baby Davis and Zaza Pachulia square off, has helped this series officially joins the 76ers-Pistons matchup as "series everyone thought would suck, but actually sorta seems almost interesting now". If any one of the big three go down with injury (by way of "Three Amigos pelvic pump" perhaps?) or cold shooting streaks, we could very well be seeing the Hawks emerge victorious.

In the meantime, for the Celtics players and fans reading this: Don't fret. You still probably will win this series and have a perennial dynasty on your hands. There still is plenty of time for the fans of every major sports league to hate and envy you as you win a championship. -Mostly hate.

For the Hawks players and fans reading this: The odds are still stacked against you, so don't get cute. Win the darn series and then celebrate. If you DO somehow win this series, just promise me one thing: You find the first Celtics fan you see, slam a newspaper clipping on the window in front of them, and say, "I won the series. How do ya like THEM apples?"

-And then do that Three Amigos pelvic pump thing.

Eastern Conference Playoff Preview: Time To Get Obnoxious Again, Boston Sports Fans!

Tonight is the last night of the NBA regular season. This typically is a boring day, with starters resting and coaches that are going to get the axe at season's end just going through the motions (Hint: A Memphis coach named Iavaroni). Well, that's only half true this year. While the Eastern Conference teams are all snuggled into their respective playoff position beds, the Western teams tonight are still jockeying to see who they'll play. The Lakers and Hornets are the only teams that have any idea where they will be in the pecking order of things, but this is little consolation since they could be playing anybody.

For now, let's take a glance at the Eastern Conference playoff matchups since those are set, shall we?

Boston vs Atlanta

Winner: Boston in 4

Whyzzat?: 28 games separate these teams. We officially have our top candidate for "team that we will totally forget made the playoffs next year", as in "Wait...Atlanta made the playoffs last year? Where was I?"

Detroit vs Philly

Winner: Detroit in 6

Whyzzat?: I think Philly will make this one a bit more interesting by stealing two. Mo Cheeks has this team actually believing in themselves, and I've officially copyrighted the phrase "Mo Cheeks, Mo Problems" for when they turn heads (note: I did not actually do this). Detroit's been my pick in the East all year, so I have to stick with them. Plus, after visiting Philly this past year I have to say that I've had better Philly Cheesesteaks in at least 5 other cities. Sorry.

Orlando vs Toronto

Winner: Orlando in 5 (U.S.A! U.S.A!)

Whyzzat?: Orlando is the overlooked team in the league this year, getting no media attention whatsoever despite having a very solid team. The Jazz did pretty well flying under a very similar radar last season. If Jameer Nelson actually shows up, this could be over quickly. Hedo Turkoglu still won't be a household name, but rather a name that sounds like something yelled while sneezing (or shooting fireballs in Streetfighter II).

Cleveland vs. Washington

Winner: Washington in 6

Whyzzat?: Arenas is back, and seriously wants money this offseason when he opts out. On top of that, I really am not a big fan of Cleveland after their midseason trade for Wally's World and think they'll fold early. I'll probably wind up eating my words on this one since Lebron is a playoff monster, but I think Washington will benefit greatly by having various people carry their team this year due to injuries. Completely random side note: Both Arenas and Lebron have New York City-themed shoes.

That's it for now. We'll see how things shape up in the West after tonight.