The Least Surprising News From Last Night

Amare Likes Your Shirt...Now Give It To Him

The NBA Needs Arenas To Return With Guns Blazing

If you've thought this has been a rather boring NBA season, chances are you are a fan of oft-injured crazyman Gilbert Arenas. The guy finds a way to get the fans interested in the game that takes place OFF the court like no one else. Well, bored man, you may soon be in luck!

Gilbert Arenas, in typical Gilbert Arenas fashion, sent a text message that said "I'm playing Saturday against Detroit" to Comcast Sportsnet. Not since OJ Mayo's faxed letter to USC, declaring he was theirs, has the basketball landscape been as excited about something sent over the phone lines (This does not include Kevin Love calling his personal chef to say, "Add yet more fat to my diet").

Personally, I am completely psyched for Agent Zero to return. The league is better off when the sports highlights involve posturing and hairbrained sound bytes. With Shaq making nice-nice with Kobe, Stephon Marbury (the basketball equivalent of T.O.) momentarily happy, and Ron Artest being in between psychotic rampages, there has been a conspicuous lack of water cooler talk this season. The NBA usually hits a downswing in popularity around March, because of the NCAA Tournament, but this season seems to have been more quiet than any season in recent memory. It's enough to almost HOPE Chris Anderson falls off the wagon and winds up doing lines of coke off of the Denver Nuggets cheerleaders.

Thus, as we wait with baited breath for Gilbert to return, we'll keep our eye on the news wire for anything humorous and out of the ordinary. If nothing pops up soon, I'll petition for an NBA team in Las Vegas to drum up some fun stories (helloooooo stripper scandals!)

Rethinking This Whole "Washington Will Win The Series" Thing

Before the playoffs started, I said that Washington would win the series against Cleveland in 7 games.

No, for you information Mr. fancypants, I am not renegging on that prediction...just pointing out that right now it ain't lookin' so hot. They are actually in the gutter.

Tonight the Cavs beat the Wiz by 30 points, and somehow even Lord of the Rings tree ent Ben Wallace scored more points (8) than Gilbert Arenas (7). Lebron scored 30 points, grabbed 9 rebounds, dished out 12 assists, got only 1 turnover, blocked two shots, and impregnated 20 women all in the span of 38 minutes. In 38 minutes, I MAY have the effort to put a tv dinner in the microwave and press the start button. I simply cannot eat it in that same span of time.

While this is all well and good, I am simply dubious at the prospect of this Cavs team going anywhere this postseason with the crew they have assembled. Lebron, the playoff god, aside, their team sounds like a punchline. Ben Wallace is a liability anywhere but defense, Ilgauskas' chronically sore feet and knees make him look like a used car, Delonte West is inconsistent, and Wally's World is the biggest team jinx out there with his constant screw-ups. If the Cavs wind up winning this series 4-0, I will wholeheartedly admit that I didn't see it coming and will send an angrily worded letter to any Wizards executive or actual Wizard out there (note: I do not have the effort to do this).

We'll see if the Wiz do better next game when they aren't shooting .375. For now, they look like feces. -Not the good kind of feces either. The kind monkeys throw.

Eastern Conference Playoff Preview: Time To Get Obnoxious Again, Boston Sports Fans!

Tonight is the last night of the NBA regular season. This typically is a boring day, with starters resting and coaches that are going to get the axe at season's end just going through the motions (Hint: A Memphis coach named Iavaroni). Well, that's only half true this year. While the Eastern Conference teams are all snuggled into their respective playoff position beds, the Western teams tonight are still jockeying to see who they'll play. The Lakers and Hornets are the only teams that have any idea where they will be in the pecking order of things, but this is little consolation since they could be playing anybody.

For now, let's take a glance at the Eastern Conference playoff matchups since those are set, shall we?

Boston vs Atlanta

Winner: Boston in 4

Whyzzat?: 28 games separate these teams. We officially have our top candidate for "team that we will totally forget made the playoffs next year", as in "Wait...Atlanta made the playoffs last year? Where was I?"

Detroit vs Philly

Winner: Detroit in 6

Whyzzat?: I think Philly will make this one a bit more interesting by stealing two. Mo Cheeks has this team actually believing in themselves, and I've officially copyrighted the phrase "Mo Cheeks, Mo Problems" for when they turn heads (note: I did not actually do this). Detroit's been my pick in the East all year, so I have to stick with them. Plus, after visiting Philly this past year I have to say that I've had better Philly Cheesesteaks in at least 5 other cities. Sorry.

Orlando vs Toronto

Winner: Orlando in 5 (U.S.A! U.S.A!)

Whyzzat?: Orlando is the overlooked team in the league this year, getting no media attention whatsoever despite having a very solid team. The Jazz did pretty well flying under a very similar radar last season. If Jameer Nelson actually shows up, this could be over quickly. Hedo Turkoglu still won't be a household name, but rather a name that sounds like something yelled while sneezing (or shooting fireballs in Streetfighter II).

Cleveland vs. Washington

Winner: Washington in 6

Whyzzat?: Arenas is back, and seriously wants money this offseason when he opts out. On top of that, I really am not a big fan of Cleveland after their midseason trade for Wally's World and think they'll fold early. I'll probably wind up eating my words on this one since Lebron is a playoff monster, but I think Washington will benefit greatly by having various people carry their team this year due to injuries. Completely random side note: Both Arenas and Lebron have New York City-themed shoes.

That's it for now. We'll see how things shape up in the West after tonight.

R.I.P Antawn Jamison's Nuts

Here is the clip from last night's Pacers-Wizards game:



There is getting tapped in the cajones...and then there is this. The only thing that could have made Danny Granger's "defensive leg kick" gesture more over the top is if he were to tie a Karate Kid bandana on and wear steel-tip boots.

Antawn, you are now the proud owner of the "deez nutz" face, and we feel your pain.