Avery Johnson Weighs In

I've seen a lot of animated gifs that make me all happy and fuzzy inside, but this one is my new favorite.

Basically, you ask a question, and the Avery Johnson Decider lets you know if you made a good point.

For instance:

"Avery, what do you think of the idea of four supermodels, in a jacuzzi, all with bottles of champagne and strawberries?"

He likes it! Avery likes it!

Sorry, Strawman

The NBA has BANNED plastic straw-chewing on the court! Sorry, Caron Butler. Time to start with the chewing tabacco.

You Spell Genius "C-U-B-A-N"

Every so often, a story comes along in the NBA that actually requires little to no input from me.  The story just comments on itself.

This is one of those times.

Click HERE,  enjoy the read, and have fun shaking your head.

Cuban Is A Gem

Mark Cuban came out today and spoke about the Shawn Marion acquisition. Whenever Mark Cuban speaks it is like an antagonistic pile of slop that is nonetheless extremely entertaining. -Something he got from Donald Trump and gave to Spencer Pratt (it's like an asshole family tree). I can't even imagine working my entire life, training day in and day out, only to have some fat pile of parted-haired poo criticize me while he gets turned down by Hooters waitresses.

Anyhoo, back to Cuban speaking out, it was mostly pretty nice this time. HOWEVA, with such a jerk you have to take a magnifying glass and identify the bits of jackass in his statement.

For instance, Cuban says,

"Just as importantly, Shawn hears and reads everything saying he struggled. He wants to prove everyone wrong, which i think is a beautiful thing."

In short, Cuban here is saying, "Just in case anyone forgets, I'm going to pay very, very special attention to the criticism people have been heaping on this guy by calling him out on it. Hopefully he will take my jerky reminding and use it as an incentive to play better." It's like a guy telling a girl, "I don't care that everyone calls you a smelly, filthy cow...I love ya."

Seriously, someone deck this guy. Hopefully it makes him say more and then I have more to write! Yay, everyone wins!

Jason Kidd Re-Signs 3 Year Contract with Mavericks

Dallas Mavericks announced that they have re-signed their free agent point guard Jason Kidd on Saturday. Kidd agreed to a three-year contract worth more than $25 million.

The nine-time All-Star Jason Kidd could finish his career where it started in 1994—with the Mavericks. The No. 2 pick out of California returned to Dallas in a trade last year with New Jersey, where he made two trips to the NBA finals with the Nets. Kidd, now 37, has averaged 13.8 points, 6.7 rebounds and 9.2 assists in 15 NBA seasons.

Examining The Four Team Marion Dilly

I love how stoned-looking Marion is in that picture.

According to ESPN, a mind-bending four-team deal is on the verge of completion.  The deal would send Shawn Marion to Dallas, allow Toronto more money for Turk by pulling off a sign and trade, give the Grizzlies yet more money and cash to throw in the gutter, and give the Magic a 7 million dollar trade exception to go shopping in free agency.

So what do we think about it?  Hmmm...

Mavericks:  The Mavs, obviously, got the big name in the deal in Marion.  With resigning J-Kidd, their lineup suddenly looks pretty damn good with Kidd, Terry, Josh Howard, Marion, Nowitzki, and Nowitzki's crazy-ass girlfriend (notice I didn't mention Dampier.  -I'm trying to make a point that this team is GOOD).  Frankly, as much talk as there is of Marion being a "team cancer" and having a bad attitude, his abilities lift the Mavs up exponentially.  I have long wanted Marion on the Magic, and being part of this bizarre 4-way deal is as close as I'll likely ever get.

Raptors:  The Raptors were wise to be part of this trade because not only did they get Antoine Wright and Devean George, but they keep their $5.9 million trade exception.  Having this trade exception means that the Raptors have a valuable trading chip in free agency moves moving forward, or free up money to sign up Carlos Delfino.  With them sending out Marion and bringing in Turk, it also allows them to be more European and whiter, two things the Raptors and Jazz covet more than anything.

Grizzlies:  Honestly, any attempt for anyone to explain the reasons behind ANY Grizzlies moves is futile.  Here, it seems that the overwhelming thing that they get is the chance to buy out Jerry Stackhouse's contract and create cap space for the future.  -You know, to sign all of those free agents that can't wait to move to Memphis Tennessee and watch OJ Mayo throw up circus shots.

Magic:  The Magic were apparently the last second team that hopped in and allowed this trade to work, and looking at what they get it's shocking they were not involved from the start.  For, well...just letting Turk leave, they get a (reported) 7 million dollar trade exception.  They can use this money to add depth to their team or go after one more big name (David Lee?  Paul Milsap?  Dirk Nowitzki's girlfriend?).

At the end of the day, the trade helped everyone with the possible exception being the Grizzlies.  -Just the way every good trade should.

Semi-Final Prediction Recap Time!

Unlike ESPN, I am not a fan of throwing predictions out there and then not doing any following up whatsoever. It's only fair to see how THF fared with the previous round of the playoffs, with forecasts both boneheaded AND moronic:

Semi-Final Predictions:

Prediction: Cavs in 5
Prediction: Cavs in 4
Heeyyyy, wha happa?: Lebron and the Cavs came out and made the Hawks look even worse than they did against the Heat in round 1. Honestly, did any team look worse in the playoffs this year than Atlanta? Pee-ew. It's 50/50 on whether the Cavs have actually been practicing the past week, or just coming up with new dance moves and intros.


Prediction: Magic in 6
Prediction: Magic in 7
Heeyyyy, wha happa?: The Magic looked like the better team all series, but made REALLY stupid decisions on the court and did not shoot well from the 3 point line. Dwight and company were super close to self-destructing, as was my heart after watching them give up 80 point leads at the ends of nearly all of their games. This series took at least 2 years off my life. On a side note, I realized that Stan Van Gundy looks like every cartoon I've seen on the front of a pizza box.


Prediction: Lakers in 5
Prediction: Lakers in 7
Heeyyyy, wha happa?: The Lakers lost two more than I predicted by half-assing it. There really is no other way to put it, ESPECIALLY with TMac and Yao not playing. The Lakers have become the team no one wants to see win it, while Houston and ooogly Luis Scola have become America's darlings. -Well, until Ron-Ron starts tomahawk-chopping people during the regular season next year. You know that playoff intensity will take a while to wear off.


Prediction: Nuggets in 6
Prediction: Nuggets in 5
Heeyyyy, wha happa?: I am very happy to say that I wrote this before the Nuggets played the Mavs: "The Nuggs represent the best team no one is talking about in this playoffs." Now that everyone and their mother is picking them to possibly upset the Lakers, I can sit back with a shit-eating grin on my face. Still, there seems to be something cosmically off with the idea of a person like George Karl EVER beating a coach like Phil Jackson in anything meaningful. I'm going to have to mull over that one.


And there you have it. I am rather proud of how well the predictions came out with going 4-0. Tomorrow I get back to completely crapping the bed with my idiotic Conference Final Predictions! Until then, keep sucking on those throat losenges, Doc Rivers. Eventually your voice will come back from that gutteral, hoarsey sound it's been the past few weeks.

Kenyon Martin Vs Mark Cuban...How Did We Not See This Coming?

The newest rivalry in the NBA is Mark Cuban against Kenyon Martin in a monstrous war of words. Cuban apparently disrespected Martin by talking trash about Kenyon TO HIS MOM (I had to put that in caps...that is just a no-no). Once Kenyon found this out, he promised retribution and spent the majority of last night shouting horrific things at Cuban and the fans of Dallas.

Here is but a smidgeon of what you could hear if you happened to possess ears:



There are not many things in this life that I enjoy more than watching people curse on live television.

Screw Mark Cuban apologizing on his blog (he did already). I can only hope this battle escalates and we start to hear things from other thugs in the series. JR Smith has such a street mentality that he probably has curse words we've never even heard before. Josh Howard is certifiably insane, so he would have to do something entertaining, like bludgeon a chicken at midcourt. It all would culminate in Dirk Nowitzki's crazy crook girlfriend accidentally being sent to play in one of the games because she has so many aliases. Bring your popcorn if this one goes beyond 5 games!

We Predict Things: Conference Semi-Fiesta!

Despite what ESPN might have you believe, there actually were other games going on in the first round of the NBA playoffs besides the Celtics and Bulls. I will even dare say that the games have been pretty great to watch for teams that weren't named the Heat or Hawks.

So with the games being so much fun so far, let's take a quick gander into the crystal ball at who will win the conference semifinal matchups:

Who: Cavs vs Hawks

Winner: Cavs in 5

Why: After watching the Hawks this past series, I have made the conclusion that Josh Smith is the next coming of Zach Randolph. -An insanely gifted athlete with a head full of rocks. That being said, the Cavs are scary good this year, and seem like they are genuinely having a blast playing. When you're playing a team that is smiling in high pressure games, you know you're screwed. It almost makes you wonder where would this team be without Wally Szczerbiak. Oh, that's right, exactly where they are right now.

Who: Celtics vs. Magic

Winner: Magic in 6

Why: I'm picking the Magic not only am I a retardedly optimistic homer, but the Celtics are playing against Howard with Kendrick Perkins and Mikki Moore. Sure, there will be that game that Howard gets no calls and the refs make it close, but I see many Big Baby-Howard matchups on the horizon and that spells doom for the Celtics. If the rest of the playoffs are any indication, Rajon Rondo might rip off someone's nose in this series only to have the NBA say it isn't a flagrant foul (Rondo was going after the nose-shaped-basketball, silly goose).

Who: Lakers vs. Rockets

Winner: Lakers in 5

Why: Take a look at that photo of a clean-cut Pau Gasol. You almost want to tell that young lad, "In your future, you will resemble an ogre. Invest in beard combs NOW." Going back to the series, mark my words: The Rockets will steal a game in L.A., prompting the talking heads on TV to talk incessantly about it for a few days. The Rockets will then promptly lose from then on out, and the talk will turn to "who will stop the Lakers" talk. My message here: If you hear the word "Lakers" on the radio, quickly throw it out of the window. You'll save yourself a lot of aggrevation.

Who: Nuggets vs. Mavs

Winner: Nuggets in 6

Why: The Nuggs represent the best team no one is talking about in this playoffs. Half the country is still seeing them for the first time and saying, "Wow...Carmelo Anthony cut his hair? When did THAT happen?" It's sad the Nuggets aren't getting more credit as they really are the only team that can push the Lakers in the West in my opinion. They also crushed the titan known as "Dumars", with a trade so good that it made Denver a contender and crushed the Pistons core for good. This series will also be fun to watch simply for the massive amount of camera cut-aways to a pissed-off-looking Mark Cuban in the stands. If you play a drinking game with it, you will have a good time.

Time to watch the Magic-Celtics game. Post your picks to win in the comments section or shoot us an email. Toodles!

NBA Brass "Reviewing" Dampier Comments WhileTrying Not To Laugh

Dallas Mavericks center Erica Dampier guaranteed to reporters to put French rap sensation, Tony Parker, "on his back" in the next game Thursday night, presumably to do one of two things: intimidate the Spurs guard...or make sweet love to him. For those not familiar Dampier- the beast man known as carnage and brutality personified- he successfully used this same tactic on Dwyane Wade during the 2006 NBA Finals, limiting the Heat guard to the highest PER in a finals series since the NBA-ABA merger.

When asked to comment, NBA spokesman Tim Frank repeatedly rolled his eyes and said between snickering that the league was "looking into it." When pressed to elaborate on who exactly was going to speak with Dampier, Frank responded "Ummm, I dunno....a security corps comprised of ninjas, vikings, and Chewbacca that's who." He then broke into unstoppable laughter and walked away holding his sides.

No word yet if any other disciplinary action was taken against Dampier.

(Oh yeah, I've got a computer again! Glad to be back!)

What The...?

Mark Cuban is saying rather extreme things lately, like how he will get rid of all of his players if they keep performing the way they perform. He should take a look at what his organization is doing in general, because something tells me the whole thing is f***ed.

That "something" that is telling me this is this halftime performer at a game in Dallas recently.



I commend Steven Hawking for learning to play the trombone, and give him an extra special golf clap that he has regained control of his legs, but that still is no excuse for making people watch this. The only thing that would have saved this is if the Suns gorilla came out of nowhere, clotheslined him, and proceeded to play the trombone as he walked off with the guy's girlfriend. Now THAT would have been entertainment.

Chris Kaman Calls Out The Mavs

It's rough to be an NBA team in this "win now" culture. -It's even tougher when you have some beastly creature calling you out.

That's right, your and my favorite supermodel Chris Kaman just told the Mavericks that their team isn't among the elite. To further stir the pot, Kaman claims that Dirk Nowitzki said he doesn't believe in the Mavs either. I am quite shocked at this whole development. -Not because the Mavs are being labelled an also-ran, but because this means that Kaman speaks. I always assumed him a quiet destructive force, like Frankenstein.

Normally, I would feign disinterest in this whole matter, but the Mavs are friend of the site Rick Carlisle's now. This throws any open mind I would have on a matter completely out of the window and almost makes me offended that anyone would question Rick's coaching. I would run into a burning building if Rick were inside and in trouble, for crissakes! (Note: I would not do this.) He's my BOY!

Eh, to tell the truth, I won't even have to do anything. Rick Carlisle is like Chuck Norris and the Bounty Paper Towel Guy all rolled into one, but with more firepower. Once you besmirch his name, you just open yourself a world of hurt. Nice knowing you, Kaman.

RICK SMASH!!!!

Somehow, Some Way, Someone Will Blame Iverson And Obama For This

Nothing but bad NBA news today. Gilbert went under the knife again and now there's been much hoopla over this Josh Howard YouTube video. Maybe I'm in a good mood after seeing Megan Fox pictures in GQ yesterday, but I'm not all that offended. He was like the 20th guy to mug to the camera and there was basically nothing else left to say! Does anyone actually care what a overhyped player on a choke job team says at a flag football game says anyway? You should hear the things to come out of Jor's and my mouth during our flag football days! Unspeakable things about people's mothers, country's flags, and Knight Rider that's what! I'm more worried that at some point some talking head on radio or TV will call for an apology from Iverson and that Obama is going to have to once again fight off the support of dumb ass celebs and athletes.

Dirk Hates Bugs

Just surfing around and found this video. Dirk has a killer eye when it comes to bug killing. He also apparently enjoys smearing the smashed bug on his face immediately afterwards. This is the key to his NBA skills, kids. Smear away!

Avery Gets Da Boot

Avery Johnson, our favorite silly-voiced coach, was fired today as coach of the Dallas Mavericks. This sad news to most NBA fans, who enjoyed his exuberance and his absolutely enormous teeth. In fact, the only people who seem sad to see Avery go are Mark Cuban and that reporter that was given the 9th degree by him a ways back:




We shouldn't gloss over what really is at work here though. Mark Cuban went wayyyy out of his way to get Jason Kidd, Chris Paul made Jason Kidd look like a 90 year-old with a case of the shakes, and Cuban needed a place to throw his aggression. Josh Howard shooting as if he was playing with one contact lens in the whole series didn't help things. As good as the Mavs are, ultimately you never feel like any player or coach on the team is safe (including Dirk) because their owner is about 95% emotion and 5% rational intellectual thought. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely find this brand of human much more entertaining than the rest (it's what has allowed The Real World to stay on television)...I just wouldn't want one as a boss.

Surely with his record and the mind boggling amount of crummy teams who need a lift we're sure Avery will get another shot elsewhere. For now, let's all pour some of our 40 on the ground and salute him.

If you don't want to salute Avery Johnson, yep, you guessed it...OPEN PALMED SLAP ON THE BALLS!

Orlando Wants Some Respect/Dallas Resembling The Hindenburg

Tonight the Magic beat the Raptors 104-103 to go up 2-0 in the series. Even more interesting, Dwight Howard had over 20 points and 20 rebounds as the Magic, becoming the first player in nearly 40 years to do so in consecutive playoff games. The last guy was Nate Thurmond, who played for the San Francisco Warriors (their original name before they deemed it "not gay enough" and went with "Golden State").

The Magic are still looking for some semblence of respect in the playoffs, sitting idly by as analyst after analyst says, "I can't wait to see East title contenders Boston, Detroit and Cleveland!" The Magic certainly aren't going to get their much-deserved respect by beating the Raptors (a team who is Chris Bosh and little else. Bosh scored 29 tonight while the rest of the starting lineup COMBINED to score 17). This makes me excited to see the Magic do some damage in the next round of the playoffs. Coupled with Utah and Philly, I am all-out rooting for the Dangerfield no-respect teams during the playoffs. Carlos Boozer can't even get any respect when he lets Prince stay over!

In other news, that "Dallas winning it all" preseason pick I had is looking as good as Billy Zane's chances of ever being relevant again in mainstream culture. They lost to the Hornets by 24 tonight, their second straight blowout loss. I'd say the door is still open for them since it is a 7 game series, but Chris Paul is completely schooling Kidd out there. Tonight Paul exploded for 32 points and 17 assists, signalling a true end to Kidd's dominance as best point guard (not named Nash) in the league and making it completely obvious he is the MVP this year. The best Dallas could throw back was Brandon Bass, Lance Bass' african american bizarro. Not looking good horsie fans.

Western Conference Playoff Preview: This Could Get Messy

Now that the Western Conference games are over, we finally have all four match-ups cemented and ready to be predicted upon by idiots like me and Tim Legler. Seriously, we've got this covered. You don't need to watch. Why are you still considering to watch? We're going to tell you who'll win!

LA vs. Denver

Winner: Lakers in 4

Whyzzat?: I think I know the reason for 'Melo's DUI. It probably dawned on him that night that he was going to have his ass handed to him by Kobe in front of a national TV audience. The Lakers swept the regular season series 3-nil by an average of 16+ points and Nuggets gave up a second-worst 106.9 points per game. You could kind of tell that George Karl stopped believing in this team's chances early on since he saw just how bad of a defensive team this is. But damn! They're fun when those shots are falling.

New Orleans vs. Dallas

Winner: Dallas in 7

Whyzzat?: This is the prediction most likely to go wrong as biologists have discovered that my lips are permanently attached to Jason Kidd's ass. Yet, if tonight's game proved anything at all it's that Kidd is done trying to play second fiddle to Dirk. If Dallas can consistently get the ball out of the hands of the phenomenal Chris Paul, they should be able to come away as winners and then get slaughtered in the next round. But, if Chris Shinn feels like firing off his gun into Dirk's face, he's more than welcome to.

San Antonio vs. Phoenix

Winner: Spurs in 7

Whyzzat?: Last year, this match-up was the de facto championship which included nasty cuts, hip checks, and suspensions galore. Instead of following past years' credo to play faster than they ever have before, the Suns have gone the other way with their mid-season acquisition of Shaq. This could actually spell trouble for the defending champs, who are limping into this series with their team MVP, Manu Ginobili, hobbled. HOWEVA, if he can play, he'll put the Spurs over the top.

Utah vs. Houston

Winner: Jazz in 5

Whyzzat?: This year, McGrady's not even going to pretend that it's on him. This team is basically running on fumes and it's a shame. Expect at least one heroic game from Tracy, who may be without Skip To My Lou for part of this series. The Jazz better do the Rockets in quickly because they're not going to want to have to face a well-rested Lakers team after getting into a slug-fest with Houston.