Gary Neal Has Imaginary Friends

Ghosts give the best high fives.

Slim witted and alone is no excuse for not getting a high five or two.

Welcome To A Love Life With RJ, Ladies

I keep hearing from people that Richard Jefferson is a jerk in nice guy clothing.  There have been more than a few articles over the year saying the guy is a prima donna whiner who pisses off everyone in his locker room.  RJ has mastered the art of politics though, often appearing on talk shows with an "aw shucks" demeanor.  F that.

The New York Post is reporting that Spurs signee Richard Jefferson is now an officially documented jackass.  Apparently he left his girlfriend at the altar, ONE HOUR before the wedding, leaving his friends and family there waiting...not to mention the poor girl.  

The worst part?  The guy is such an ass that the girlfriend isn't even that shocked:

The would-be bride was stunned, but "not entirely caught off-guard" by Jefferson's unsportsmanlike conduct, according to a family friend.

Wow.  Now, THAT is pretty bad.  The guy must kill puppies in his spare time to have no one be surprised he would do such a thing.

Here's a fun little video of fellow Nets players hating RJ.  Enjoy!

NBA Brass "Reviewing" Dampier Comments WhileTrying Not To Laugh

Dallas Mavericks center Erica Dampier guaranteed to reporters to put French rap sensation, Tony Parker, "on his back" in the next game Thursday night, presumably to do one of two things: intimidate the Spurs guard...or make sweet love to him. For those not familiar Dampier- the beast man known as carnage and brutality personified- he successfully used this same tactic on Dwyane Wade during the 2006 NBA Finals, limiting the Heat guard to the highest PER in a finals series since the NBA-ABA merger.

When asked to comment, NBA spokesman Tim Frank repeatedly rolled his eyes and said between snickering that the league was "looking into it." When pressed to elaborate on who exactly was going to speak with Dampier, Frank responded "Ummm, I dunno....a security corps comprised of ninjas, vikings, and Chewbacca that's who." He then broke into unstoppable laughter and walked away holding his sides.

No word yet if any other disciplinary action was taken against Dampier.

(Oh yeah, I've got a computer again! Glad to be back!)

Goodnight, Spurs!

Today the Spurs came out and said Manu Ginobili is officially done for the season. Anyone with any knowledge of the Spurs, which are essentially a three-headed monster (Duncan, Ginobili, and Parker), knows this means their hopes of winning a title this season are toast. -Or at least as good as Michigan State's chances of winning the championship this year (too soon? The game has been only going on for a while now and already it's ugly).

This leaves only a few teams with legit chances of winning an NBA title this season:

Lakers
Cavs
Celtics
Magic
Denver

I know, putting the Nuggets on there is not a popular pick, but they might be able to sneak in the championship game if the Lakers stumble somehow (although I doubt it).

With this in mind, look for an emphasis on the Eastern conference playoff games on television come playoff time. It's a little too obvious the Lakers will steamroll their way to the finals this season against the rest of the West, but with an unproven Cavs roster, a gimpy Garnett-led Celtics team, and a depth-less Magic squad, the East appears wide open. I look for the Hawks to actually scare a few people with a strong first round against the Heat.

Anyhow, enough about the future. I ain't no tarot card reader, dag nabbit! Here are some Ginobili highlights from last year to remind you Spurs fans what you'll be missing:

Poppovich Rocks

I wrote previously about Shaq badmouthing the Spurs and their Greek God-bearded coach for playing "Hack-A-Shaq" and hitting him throughout the game. Moments into the Spurs-Suns game, this happened. I LOVE Poppovich.

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day:

The Hawks matched the Grizzlies offer for Josh Smith, and when the top headline of the NBA reads "Grizzlies to continue to suck", you know it's a slow day. Time for cheerleaders.

Goodness, we've had a lot of slow days/cheerleaders lately, haven't we?

Today we travel to the land of cowboy hats, tumbleweeds, southern accents, and...Ginobili. The Spurs dancers frequently enjoy running around in schoolgirl outfits, a male fantasy that continues to elude me. I went to a catholic high school, so I saw those outfits every day. When you see something that often, especially with people who are not shaped like cheerleaders (more like the bus they travel in), the costume loses some of its panache.

Ah, who am I kidding? It's a fun way to go into the weekend. See you Monday!

Surprise Central! Grizzlies Owner Admits That Whole "Gasol For Kwame" Thing Might Have Been A Mistake!

With the Lakers about to do battle with the Celts in the finals, one can't help but look back at this past season and the most important player on the Lakers.

Kobe Bryant? No, not him.

I'm actually talking about the Memphis Grizzlies. The doof that was presiding over the mess was owner Michael Heisley, but I prefer to him as "that owner who had to be drinking on the job".

The Grizzlies, of course, were the moronic team responsible for sending Pau Gasol to the Lakers for the pile of gold known as Kwame Brown, Javaris Crittenden, two LAAAATE first round picks, a ball of pocket lint, and a 1987 edition of TV Guide. Everyone in the NBA was up in arms, especially one particular Spurs head coach who wound up losing in the playoffs because of that same ridiculous trade. It was highway robbery that made Bonnie and Clyde shake their heads (well...they would have if they were alive...you get the point).

Well, I guess the "denial" stage is over for Heisley and with the Lakers OBVIOUSLY becoming a potential dynasty out of the deal, he has moved on to "acceptance". Heisley has recently admitted, and I quote:

“I don’t know if I got the most value,” Heisley confessed. “Maybe our people should’ve shopped (Gasol) more and maybe we would’ve gotten more, done a better deal. Maybe Chris did call every team in the league. I don’t think he did, but maybe he should’ve…”

Doesn't a quote like this inspire you, Grizzly fans? You have the owner of your team saying that the trade that sent the most important and gifted player in your team's history (if you don't count Big Country Reeves) most likely wasn't really all that thought out. He also confesses in that beautiful quote to not really knowing if they did all of their homework. Ahem...shouldn't that be the ONE question you ask before your team does the deal? "Did you guys check with everyone and this is the absolute BEST we could do? Kwame friggin Brown?"

The best part of all of this is that the team turned DOWN the Bulls' trade offer, which included a comparable cornucopia of talent in Andres Nocioni, Tyrus Thoms, Joakim Noah, Thabo Sefalosha, Adrian Griffin, and draft picks. Yes, ladies and gents...they looked at that offer and said, "Nahhhhh...I think we really want to roll the dice with Kwame Brown on this one. Thanks anyways, guys."

I have to stop typing here before I get to emotionally drained from analyzing this whole thing, and I'm not even a Grizzly or Spurs fan. (soaks head in a bucket of ice)

Lakers Win The West/Kobe Holds 2008 Hypocrite Trophy Aloft

Tonight the Lakers beat the Spurs 100-92, which means the Lakers await the winner of the Pistons-Celtics in the 2008 NBA Finals.

Kobe Bryant had 39 points and approximately 39 mentions of how his Laker teammates were "his brothers" in postgame interviews. This comes despite using much of the preseason this year to make it known he would love to play for ANYONE other than Los Angeles. If karma actually exists, Andrew Bynum will be filmed in a parking lot in 5 years demanding Kobe be traded for Jason Kidd.

For the insightful Kobe Bryant commentary, we go to THF correspondent Nicole Richie:



Looks like someone is about to get a splooge-covered t-shirt in their direction!

Stuff To Watch If There's A Spurs-Pistons Finals: Part I

At this point all of America knows that David Stern will probably kill himself if we are yet again subjected to a Spurs-Pistons NBA Finals series. The ratings will tank and the NBA will once again take a backseat to the other major sports (no, not hockey, silly!) Right now the Celtics are up 1-0 on the Pistons, but the Spurs currently are beating the Lakers and their fancy traingle offense...how is it possible Stern hasn't paid these refs off to help the Lakers win this one yet?!

Since there is still a strong chance of a boring ol' Pistons-Spurs NBA Finals, it is THF's job to help you figure out things to watch should this happen. Today's selection:

Fantastic choice scenes from the Nicholas Cage crapfest "Wicker Man"! Enjoy:




This all may seem silly, but you'll thank us in the Finals.
--------------------
UPDATE: The Lakers just erased a 20 point defecit to win. While I'm rooting against a Spurs championship, I'd be lying if I didn't say it was quite silly near the end how the refs weren't calling any fouls on Lakers players. David Stern and his ref minions strike again!

Crap...NOW Who Do You Root For, America?

As I write this, the Spurs are currently beating the Hornets late in the 3rd Quarter by 13 points, and are looking like shoe-ins to return to their zillionth consecutive conference championship. I blame Morris Peterson's ice cubes:



This is rough news for the many NBA fans hoping that a cinderella-esque team would win the championship this year. Yes, yes, the Hornets had the best record during the regular season this past year, but no one can deny that they were truly the underdogs in their series with the former champs.

This leaves us with a dubious list of remaining teams (my apologies in advance if you are a fan of one of them):

The San Antonio Spurs: This team winning yet another championship would likely make David Stern put a gun in his mouth. The NBA Championship has had some of its lowest numbers with this rather boring-yet-spectacular team, and them winning yet another would help keep the collective eyes of the public away from the NBA in an exciting sports year in which the Giants upset the Patriots and the Rockies made a cinderella World Series appearance. After such an exciting NBA season, seeing this team winning it all would be like getting a brand new state-of-the-art television only to realize that the only thing that can play on it are reruns of The View. You can squint all you want, but it's still Barbara Walters creepily talking about having an affair with a congressman (shivers uncontrollably).

The Los Angeles Lakers: I don't deny that the idea of groupies flocking to an ogre like Pau Gasol is a fun image, but to see this team win would make most NBA fans' stomachs turn. Why? After an offseason filled with whining about his team, calling Andrew Bynum names, demanding a trade, firing at Mitch Kupchak, and then completely acting like a hypocrite by embracing the team once they got good, Kobe Bryant would be one of the least likable Finals MVPs in the history of sports. He could only be less likable if he were to kill babies at midcourt and agree to star in a romantic comedy with Ashton Kutcher. Toss in the fact that Jordan Farmar would have exactly one more NBA championship than you and you can officially start believing that life isn't fair.

The Detroit Pistons: Many could argue that this team is actually the most boring team instead of San Antonio. -At least the Spurs have Manu Ginobili crashing into people a few times a game in a theatric fashion. Sheed has calmed down, Billups' trash talking is less than ever, and the have Antonio McDyess for chrissakes...a guy who I am convinced is a stone statue come to life (barely). The only person who make this team in any way exciting to watch is 55 lb Tayshaun Prince, who blocks shots like crazy. I firmly believe he does this by allowing the wind to carry his thin frame around the room like a shipmast. On the plus side: Flip Saunders might completely open his eyes if this team wins it all.

The Boston Celtics: I got such crap for liking the Florida Marlins when they bought a championship in 1997. -At least the Marlins had about half of their team come from their farm system. Enter the team that purchased the best record in the league, making every Boston fan suddenly remember they liked the Celtics so fast that they got bandwagon splinters. Hoping this team wins it all goes hand in hand with hoping for nonstop "my team is the greatest ever" columns from Bill Simmons, something only a person who hasn't been subjected to Simmons' "all-New-England sports columns"could ask for. They say every time a bell rings, Bill Simmons writes an anecdote about his father and him talking about Boston teams. Do you really want to live the rest of your life with a Boston fan next to you saying, "The Pats get bam-BOO-zelled by tha refs, but Kay-Gee and my boys brought tha title to BEAN-TOWN!" Neither do I. The Patriots losing that Super Bowl was all that me and other non-Boston fans who went to college in New England had.

Wow...so where does that leave us? Who in the world do we root for? Looking at that list, it's like deciding which type of rare disease you want to catch from a mosquito while traveling overseas (Lakers = elephantitis). Right now, the wounds from the likable Magic, Hornets, Jazz, and Cavs are too fresh to make a choice, but hopefully someone emerges soon.*

*The Pistons officially become my choice the moment "old Sheed" comes back and starts clawing at refs faces and screaming when doused with holy water. Sadly, those days are likely a thing of the past.

Here's To Hoping For A Finals We Can Actually Watch!

'Twas a bittersweet night for NBA fans hoping for a non-boring finals this year as the Pistons won (crap) and the Spurs lost (yay). If these two teams somehow make it to the finals, David Stern officially goes on suicide watch.

With Dwight Howard's injured hand making it look like he was handling a greased turkey instead of a basketball, the Magic made it about as close as they could. Top it off with many questionable calls that went the Pistons way, as well as a bunch of late-game turnovers, and the Stan Van Gundy lucky moustache can only go so far. Flip "Sleepy Dwarf" Saunders looks poised to celebrate amid yawns.

Conversely, Chris Paul is making the Hornets the feel-good story in the league right now. I correctly predicted that his piss-poor website would ruin his MVP chances, but I'll be damned if he doesn't look like the best player in the NBA nowadays. When you have two first names, there is little you can't do.

This is all just a silly precursor to what you all want to see: Zaza Pachulia giving the best speech ever!




I'm still so sad the Hawks are out. I'll get over it...I'll get over it.

Surprise! Robert Horry Is A Dick

Every year, Robert Horry seems to win a ring. Similarly, every year Robert Horry tries to prove to the world that he is a jackass. Sadly, only one of these things is widely acknowledged by the American public (hint: it's not the second one).

Last year, Horry famously kicked Steve Nash's ass, which resulted in getting Amare Stoudamire and Boris Diaw tossed from the series. Obviously, he would have to keep up his rep this year.

I present exhibit A, your honor. Here is Mike D'Antoni getting ejected the other day for yelling about Horry's blatantly unsportsmanlike play. The best part is the completely oblivious announcers not quite understanding how such a thing could happen.



I give this series one more game before Robert Horry tries to claw the eyeballs out of Leandro Barbosa's head, only to have the announcers say, "Robert Horry seems to be trying to help Barbosa with his contact lens...why is Mike D'Antoni so angry?"

Hey, So Some Games Happened This Weekend: Game 1s In Review

Man, what a fantastic first weekend of NBA playoff action!

That was a complete Marv Albert-esque "smack me in the face because that is such a commercial slogan statement", I know, but it is nontheless true.

-The Magic showed that they are a team to be reckoned with, by slaughtering the Raptors with 43 points and an NBA playoff record-tying 9 three-pointers in the first quarter. Bargnani fans everywhere wept.

-The Lakers put the Nuggets away in a game with basically no defense at all (242 combined points were scored). Radmanovic inches ever closer to his "ugliest man to ever win a championship" title.

-In the words of former Arizona Cardinals coach Dennis Green, the Celtics "WERE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!" and easily put the Hawks away by 23 points. The Hawks had as much of a shot of winning one game in this series as the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall had of making me laugh more than once (which, incidentally, it did not do. Save your cash, folks).

-Lebron beat Arenas and company to help the Cavs take a 1-0 lead over the Wiz. This game was really close the whole way through and I am firmly sticking to my prediction that Washington wins this series. How COULD I pick the Cavs when Arenas is taking shots like this?!?

-The Jazz beat Houston in what will probably be the quietest series of the bunch. Rafer and Yao were out, making TMac actually deliver on his "It's on ME!" comments from last year. Results: Not. So. Good. McGrady actually used the words “Yes, we miss Rafer" after the game. That's probably what the people said on the Titanic moments before they drowned.

-Chris Paul is looking mighty fine in the MVP voting after an incredible regular season and game against the Mavs. This is all despite his horrendously shitty website. David West...I acknowledge you are a good player, even though the rest of the world doesn't. Poor wittle D.West...

-The 76ers, my team to shock and awe the rest of the world...by winning 2 of the 6 games in this series (man, I should have really had the cajones to pick more than that)...WON the first game 90-86 in Detroit. Reggie Evans (seen levitating right) looked like a monster and Andre Miller was playing like a career all-star instead of a guy once swapped out for Earl Boykins. If Rodney Carney actually develops, this "Mo Cheeks, Mo Problems" squad has a crazy bright future. Yes, I know that phrase is already played, but I'll be damned if I stop using it!

-And finally the game of the weekend, the Spurs-Suns game which was Ginobili-ified to the max. If you heard a high pitched sound coming from the general direction of the northeast of America, chances are it was me squealing like a schoolgirl with delight while I was watching this one. I don't even particularly like either of these teams, especially San Antonio, but they put on one hell of a show. Tim Duncan 3 pointer for double overtime? Steve Nash with a tying three as he falls out of bounds? Boris Diaw sucking ass and almost singlehandedly losing the game for Phoenix? I have to stop typing before I faint, it was that damn good.

More commentary on the games to come, folks. This postseason is just getting started.

Western Conference Playoff Preview: This Could Get Messy

Now that the Western Conference games are over, we finally have all four match-ups cemented and ready to be predicted upon by idiots like me and Tim Legler. Seriously, we've got this covered. You don't need to watch. Why are you still considering to watch? We're going to tell you who'll win!

LA vs. Denver

Winner: Lakers in 4

Whyzzat?: I think I know the reason for 'Melo's DUI. It probably dawned on him that night that he was going to have his ass handed to him by Kobe in front of a national TV audience. The Lakers swept the regular season series 3-nil by an average of 16+ points and Nuggets gave up a second-worst 106.9 points per game. You could kind of tell that George Karl stopped believing in this team's chances early on since he saw just how bad of a defensive team this is. But damn! They're fun when those shots are falling.

New Orleans vs. Dallas

Winner: Dallas in 7

Whyzzat?: This is the prediction most likely to go wrong as biologists have discovered that my lips are permanently attached to Jason Kidd's ass. Yet, if tonight's game proved anything at all it's that Kidd is done trying to play second fiddle to Dirk. If Dallas can consistently get the ball out of the hands of the phenomenal Chris Paul, they should be able to come away as winners and then get slaughtered in the next round. But, if Chris Shinn feels like firing off his gun into Dirk's face, he's more than welcome to.

San Antonio vs. Phoenix

Winner: Spurs in 7

Whyzzat?: Last year, this match-up was the de facto championship which included nasty cuts, hip checks, and suspensions galore. Instead of following past years' credo to play faster than they ever have before, the Suns have gone the other way with their mid-season acquisition of Shaq. This could actually spell trouble for the defending champs, who are limping into this series with their team MVP, Manu Ginobili, hobbled. HOWEVA, if he can play, he'll put the Spurs over the top.

Utah vs. Houston

Winner: Jazz in 5

Whyzzat?: This year, McGrady's not even going to pretend that it's on him. This team is basically running on fumes and it's a shame. Expect at least one heroic game from Tracy, who may be without Skip To My Lou for part of this series. The Jazz better do the Rockets in quickly because they're not going to want to have to face a well-rested Lakers team after getting into a slug-fest with Houston.