Larry Brown And Stephen Jackson Together? What Could Go Wrong?

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina - Bobcats owners Bob Johnson and Michael Jordan smiled widely at the acquisition of Golden State Warriors star Stephen Jackson. They knew they had made a huge move that would put their team over the hump for good.

"Chemistry has been a problem for our organization for...well, forever...but here we have a duo that we think will work quite well together. On one end, you have Larry Brown, a coach who has a history of gracefully coaching along players who exhibit difficult behavior, being something of a father figure to them. Who can forget the way that he taught Ron Artest to jump rope or gently rocked Allen Iverson to sleep every night?" Johnson said.

Jordan added, "-And on the other end you have Stephen Jackson, a person who has been a sweetheart to coaches, and fellow players alike. He has been a role model in the community, and was instrumental in "crowd control" in that brawl in Detroit. The other day I caught him making oragami swans for local schoolchildren."

As Jordan and Johnson walked off to the cigar bar, reporters witnessed Brown drinking heavily and pulling his hair out. Jackson was putting live firecrackers in new teammate Gerald Wallace's locker, and reportedly threw his own feces at Raymond Felton.

Boris Diaw Gains Some Weight

No that is not Boris Diaw above, but what an absolutely AMAZING photo.

Boris Diaw, owner of the "Boris Diaw Face"*, must be having some fantastic offseason.

Larry Brown spoke out today, saying, "Obviously Boris is way out of shape."  Then he added, "He's running foul line to foul line right now, which is understandable."  -This being in reference to Boris sitting on his butt after hurting his ankle.  Obviously, while resting that ankle he was getting fitness advice from Raiders QB Jamarcus Russell.  

You can just picture Larry Brown, sitting and rubbing his temples with frustration as a Bam Bam Bigelow-sized Boris Diaw sweats while tying his shoelaces.  Diaw, always the consummate Frenchman, must be dipping his fries into mayo, because it wasn't like the guy was in fantastic shape anyways at the end of last season.  I can only hope that this continues, because a sitcom where Larry Brown has to get Boris Diaw in shape would be ratings gold.

*The "Boris Diaw Face" is an expression derived from Boris' overly smug team profile photos.  The face, without words, tells women, "Suck my ****".  For this reason, the phrase can be heard being used in social circles, for example: "How into me was she?  All I would have had to do was give her the Boris Diaw Face and she would have been all over me!".

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Analysis: Chanandeler Bong For Okay-For

Today the Bobcats and Hornets swapped big bodies, sending Emeka Okafor to Nawlins and Tyson Chandler to the neon orange "place where careers die" entitled "Charlotte". I read about it on the coolest designed team site in the league, and immediately thought what all of you thought:

"The Bobcats are not going to take this whole "we're the worst-run organization in sports thing" from the Grizzlies lying down"

The Bobcats get an oft-injured center who the Hornets pretty much tried to toss into the garbage last year, and all they had to give up was their most promising big man who would certainly garner All Star attention if he didn't have that whole "I was drafted with Dwight Howard" thing hanging over his head. -Oh, and the neon orange mark of death on his jersey.

Seriously, at what point do fans just throw their hands up and say, "Screw this shit. They're not even trying to be competitive anymore." As a Marlins fan, I've seen the team unload its stars several times, but at least they did it intelligently and have fielded competitive teams every 6 years or so (if you go by the rule of 6, the Marlins should win the World Series again this season). The Bobcats, meanwhile, have made it obvious with this move that while the team is looking for new ownership they are bound to be in a quagmire of feces talent-wise.

So, here are some grades:

Hornets: B

The Hornets acquire a worthy big man to supplement the underrated (except for Chris Paul) talent on their team. All they had to give up was a player who was only on their team for failing a physical last season with another team.

Bobcats: W-

Chandler must be holding a gun to his head as I write this, looking at the prospect of being coached by Larry Brown and playing alongside such immense talent as Boris Diaw. Tough luck, kid.

Now I Know Where To Get All Of My Sports News

In what could only be described as a stroke of genius, a site called Fantasy Sports Girl has decided that pretty much anyone can read the damn news off of a cue card, so why not just have all sports news read by pretty girls?  All newscasters are doing is reading the words that some other poor schlub wrote and passing it off as their own anyways.  Plus, watching the news being given this way also adds the pulse pounding excitement of whether a supermodel with the IQ of 8 will be able to correctly pronounce a name like "Gerald Wallace", which is a solid 3 syllables over their typical "Duh" statements.  How can you not love this?



This particular girl employs the "stick my hand in my jeans and shimmy my hips from side to side" method that made Andersen Cooper so popular.  Tell me you didn't watch her say "Nor were able to make their usual mid-April tee times." and think that as soon as they said, "Cut" she had to ask someone what they meant.  Then, you know she said something like, "Why do they need tea times?  They aren't in London."

See how I worked the London reference in there because I'm currently there?  Sha-BAM!

Fail

DING DING DING! We've found a winner (and by that I mean loser) for worst jersey since the Dallas Mavericks shimmery trash bags of 2003. Not only is the jersey hideous, but it also seems as if Gerald Wallace is being terrorized by Louis Amundson's levitating basketball trick.

Other possible things happening in this picture?

1. Wallace is fighting off Amundson from performing unnecessary CPR.

2. Wallace is in fact a new born baby and Amundson is keeping him distracted until the crib arrives.

3. DeSagana Diop's dong became untaped from his leg, floored Wallace while Amundson cries.

Well, THAT Was Quick

As you can see from my previous post, it was only a matter of time before Larry Brown weighed in on the shitstorm known as the Bobcats and alienated his players further.

Check out his reaction to the trade with Phoenix below. Between saddened tone and mentioning TWICE that unlike his team at least the Suns have a chance at doing something this season, you can see just how happy he is. My favorite is that he actually says that it will be a shock to Boris and Raja when they come to the Bobcats and see just how far they've fallen.

Just inspires you to play some great basketball for him, doesn't it Bobcats?

Trade Review: J-Rich For Clothesline McGee and "The Boris Diaw Face"

Today J-Rich got traded to the Suns in exchange for Raja Bell and Boris Diaw...two folks that are now weeping as they accept their silly cartoon jerseys and ticket to one of the bottomfeeders of the NBA. As THF typically does when a trade goes down, I'll play teacher and see how to grade the the badass mofo GMs in this trade.

Phoenix Suns: B+ Let me just start off by saying this: I do not think Steve Kerr is a good GM. He totally bungled that Shaq trade, even with Marion being angry, giving up power and electricity for a center whose best days were behind him. Then he thought Grant Hill would be a good choice as starter (I am a Magic fan, so I can tell you that was NOT a good idea, Steve). Then, after he learned Grant Hill wasn't a good choice at starter, he got Matt Barnes and thought he would suddenly explode as a solid scoring option. -All this being said, I think he actually made a good deal here. This can only lead me to one conclusion: Jason Richardson surely has a lingering injury that will immediatlely render him useless to the Suns. It's the only way this makes any sense to me. Still, for the time being I have to give Steve an "atta-boy" and a pat on the rear.

Charlotte Bobcats: D- The Bobcats traded away one of their best players for...a 32-year old guy who serves mainly as a utility player and a hit-or-miss Frenchman who is currently on the bench. Yeah, sounds about right for the Bobcats. I'd feel bad for fans in North Carolina if any of them actually liked this team. The real question is when Larry Brown will start alienating this team, calling them worthless and laughing when they talk about winning. I give it 4 months before Raja's first clothesline to Brown's neck. Bonus points mark this one up from an "F' simply for employing the services of the "Boris Diaw Face" (seen in photo at right), which is a team profile picture that says without words and hilarious bedroom eyes, "Suck my ****".

Congrats to both teams on the trade. Fans of ugly orange jerseys rejoice.
- Black and Blue Jor
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LET'S MAKE A DEAL
Yes Bobcat fans, your team can get worse. You've traded away an athletic scorer for a guy with a track record for clotheslines and a pear-shaped frog who once said, "I don't date American women. I have them." But hey, Bell is a Coach Brown type of guy and so is...oh wait, Diaw will be suicidal come New Year's.

As for Phoenix, this will likely accomplish nothing, but now they can argue that they have three (and when Shaq plays, three and a half) stars. At this point Bell is no longer the defender he's touted as, but after watching last night's game versus the Lakers I'm ready to bury all of Terry Porter's defensive philosophies.


THIS JUST IN!
Hall of Fame coach, fitness buff and known steroid abuser, Chuck Daly, smashed a fan's camera on a golf course. Pray to God that you never cross paths with this mentally unbalanced lunatic!

- Anubis Taylor

Yet Another Great Year Awaits You, Bobcats Fans!

Looking at the Charlotte Bobcats this season, one thing is evident: Sarah Palin will undoubtedly cost John McCain this election.

Crap, I have to stop watching CNN while I type. What I meant to say is that it is evident that this is going to be another looooooong season for the Bobcats and their fans. They are a whopping 0-7 in preseason play, and while I admit that preseason games don't matter that much, at least it is a good barometer for the all around abilities on a team.

This is odd, as the Bobcats have a good amount of talent on their team. You think of names like Okafor, Gerald Wallace, Jason Richardson, Raymond Felton and Sean May and it seems odd that this team can't pull it together. Then reality sets in. You realize that the team is run by Michael "Air/Drive your franchise into the ground" Jordan, has people like Nazr "19 pump fakes per shot" Mohammed in the starting lineup, drafted Adam Morrison (who isn't even LISTED on the team's depth chart on Yahoo!...thanks Larry Brown!), and considers Matt Carroll a KEY part of the team, and you see where it falls apart.

There is only one more shot for this Bobcats team to win this preseason: Thursday against the Lakers. We will be watching that game closely. I can't think of a more demoralizing thing than going winless in the preseason, short of talking nonstop of your children while you cost John McCain the damn election...CRAP! I have to change the channel.

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: Bobcats

It's Friday! It's Friday! It's Friday! It's...well, it's about 11:12 on a Thursday as I write this...but, screw it! It's Friday!

The only news today is that Rip Hamilton said sleepy dwarf did a bad job at coaching, and spending longer than a sentence writing about that would have driven me into a sleepy dwarf-esque coma. Thus, 'tis time to check out some cheerleaders.

This week we go to North Carolina, home of the Bobcats. I have some friends in the Carolinas, and they all say the same thing: "We love the Panthers! The, uh, Bobcats haven't really caught on so much..." This is quite odd given the fact that they wear the commercially friendly 'highway construction worker orange' and have some sort of bizarre Fraggle Rock character as a logo. Ah, enough beating up on the poor Bobcats. Their cheerleaders demand your attention! Have a good weekend everybody.