It's Guy Christmas!

Tonight is the NFL draft, the day that every guy looks forward to a year more than any other. It's also the day that Miami Dolphins fans like myself call, "The day when you punch a hole in your television."

The Dolphins, you see, are incredibly skilled at making draft picks that their fans hate. It would be one thing if the draft picks proved fans wrong once in a while...but all you have to do is look at the wikipedia page of Pat White to understand their track record. It's awful. The original Trail Of Tears involved Native Americans...this one involves people who like their team enough to somehow wear aqua and orange as a fashion statement. Nonetheless, myself and other fans of beleaguered franchises will watch anxiously and pray that a franchise Quarterback (I'm hoping for Ryan Mallett or Christian Ponder) will be selected by their team and not this year's Ted Ginn.

In the spirit of the draft, I present my favorite all time NFL draft-related video...a recap of every bad New York Jets draft blunder in recent years. The reactions of these mustachioed, overweight fans from Queens makes me smile every time...even if their current team is substantially better than mine:

Recap of the 2011 draft, including whichever no-names the Dolphins pick, coming soon!

Tony La Russa's Daughter Is An Attractive Raiders Cheerleader

I use the images above as exhibit A, B, and C to reach the following verdict: Tony La Russa may be one of the ugliest people on this planet we call Earth. I'm sorry to put it that bluntly, but a fact is a fact. There has been more than one time that I've been watching a Cardinals game, they've cut to the dugout, and I've had to stop eating a sandwich. I don't blame the guy, as drinking a crap-ton of liquor, yelling at umps, and spending the summers baking in the sun does little to aid one's complexion.

Still, you can imagine my surprise when I came across this picture:

Pretty attractive, no? Brace yourselves...it's Tony La Russa's DAUGHTER!

Oh, wait, you garnered that from the title of this post? Crap. I should have thought of that.

Oh well, too lazy to change it now.

Apparently Bianca La Russa has tried out to be an Oakland Raiders cheerleader and is going to be named to their dance squad this year. Doing a quick google image search of Bianca La Russa, I am floored this person came from Tony La Russa's family tree and no one knew about it. It's like finding out Dudley Moore's daughter is Brooklyn Decker, or Steven Tyler's daughter is....Liv Tyler...well, you get the point.

Here are more images of Bianca. Credit her mom:

NFL Mock Draft 2011

The NFL draft is next Thursday, and like you I am very, very excited to watch it. There is something grand and beautiful about putting so many hopes and dreams upon a team and players that do not give two craps if you exist. It's a time for hope. It's a time when dreams come true. It's a time when critiquing parts of other men's bodies, using words like "length", "girth", and "huge motor", seem completely straight.

I've been balking at doing any sort of mock draft for the first round, primarily because my opinions this offseason have swung wilder than Elisha Cuthbert's weight (did anyone see her on her new show "Happy Endings"? She appeared to have lost 40 pounds between the first and second episodes. That couldn't have been pleasant for her, although I'm not complaining).

Anyhoo, here is the Zombies Can Dunk 2011 NFL Mock Draft:

1) Carolina Panthers - Cam Newton, QB, Auburn

Let's face it: Current QB Jimmy Clausen's head looks like it was squashed down in a vice. That is no way for a franchise quarterback to look.

2) Denver Broncos - Marcell Dareus, DT, Alabama

Broncos GM might pretend that he is drafting a QB here, but he looks in the mirror EVERY DAY and compares himself to these guys. Every QB lacks his talent...and teeth.

3) Buffalo Bills - Von Miller, OLB, Texas A&M

This guy is scary tough, and will need to be to survive a winter in Buffalo. His entire name sounds like a last name...another bonafide sign of toughness.

4) Cincinnati Bengals - Blaine Gabbert, QB, Missouri

Every one of Blaine Gabbert's photos make him look like an egotistical jackass. You can tell he practices that squinty eye, Blue Steel look in the mirror daily. Have fun with that, Cincy.

5) Arizona Cardinals - Patrick Peterson, CB, LSU

Cardinals fans had a good run of non-mediocrity for a while there. Peterson is an amazing talent, but unless he can do the Deion Sanders and play offense as well, this team is doomed.

6) Cleveland Browns - AJ Green, WR, Georgia

The Browns get the best WR in the draft. Yeah, big consolation to losing Lebron James.

7) San Francisco 49ers - Robert Quinn, DE, North Carolina

Coach Jim Harbaugh is OBSESSED with quarterbacks, so I won't rule out something bizarre happening here...like him drafting himself...but this is the pick for now.

8) Tennessee Titans - Nick Fairley, DT, Auburn

Tennessee's defensive line coach was Nick Fairley's coach in college. I need no other reason. I'm going to use this pick to take a bathroom break.

9) Dallas Cowboys - Prince Amukamara, CB, Nebraska

It took me 3 tries to spell that damn last name right. Jerry Jones can drunkenly slur out Prince's first name, so this will be the pick.

10) Washington Redskins - Jake Locker, QB, Washington

Redskins reach to get their guy here, and if you've watched any tape you would know Locker is pretty awful. Expect that Shanahan face to get redder...like the helmet logo.

11) Houston Texans - JJ Watt, DE, Wisconsin

The rare first name question and last name response. I have high hopes for this guy.

12) Minnesotta Vikings -Cameron Jordan, DE, California

The Vikings could very well go Ryan Mallett here, but Leslie Frazier doesn't seem like the type to tolerate Mallett's attitude. I can actually picture Frazier bitch-slapping him.

13) Detroit Lions - Tyron Smith, OT, USC

The Lions need a franchise left tackle and Tyron Smith slips this far right into their laps. Somewhere, as I type this, Wayne Fontes just ate an entire bucket of KFC himself.

14) St Louis Rams - Julio Jones, WR, Alabama

Rams fans get the guy they've wanted to pair with QB Sam Bradford. Literally the happiest anyone has ever been to interact with a guy named "Julio".

15) Miami Dolphins - Ryan Mallett, QB, Arkansas

I could not be less confident with a selection. Dolphins fans, including myself, really want a QB...which history dictates will lead the Dolphins to selecting a lineman. FML.

16) Jacksonville Jaguars - Aldon Smith, DE, Missouri

I keep hearing people call Aldon Smith a "freak of nature". For once, I would love one of these players to misread that phrase as an insult and go berzerk.

17) New England Patriots - Anthony Castonzo, OT, Boston

Just when you thought your team had a shot to tear Tom Brady's wig off, they draft more talented lineman help. Sigh.

18) San Diego Chargers - Gabe Carimi, OT, Wisconsin

It's a run on offensive tackles! In my mind's eye, Gabe Carimi has an italian accent and just uses his last name to describe the texture of ice cream.

19) New York Giants - Mark Ingram, RB, Alabama

Giants fans, with their stadium 10 minutes from my house, have an excuse to high five and fist pump, yelling, "We gots In-grum!" I can't wait.

20) Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Ryan Kerrigan, DE, Purdue

The Bucs would trade up to get a great player, but as is the case at the 20 spot, someone will drop right into their laps. I miss the creamsicle uniforms.

21) Kansas City Chiefs - Akeem Ayers, OLB, UCLA

The first player taken slightly early. Very exciting! Not because of the selection, but because we get to hear Herm Edwards comment on the pick for the team he destroyed.

22) Indianapolis Colts - Mike Pouncey, C, Florida

People are speculating the Colts will draft a quarterback to become the heir apparent to Manning. Not. Bloody. Likely.

23) Philadelphia Eagles - Derrick Sherrod, OT, Mississippi

Who knew there were so many tackles rated this high? Why am I excited for this draft again?

24) New Orleans Saints - DaQuan Bowers, DE, Clemson

This guy fell in the draft and the Saints have become one of the smartest organizations in football, so they nab a gem here. Can you believe the Saints are good? I still can't!

25) Seattle Seahawks - Christian Ponder, QB, Florida State

Ponder is a QB I think could be the best player in this entire draft. That said, his haircut is simply awful. What the hell are you thinking, Christian?

26) Baltimore Ravens - Nate Solder, OT, Colorado

Ravens are surprised to get a player this good this late. By this point I have slipped into an offensive tackle-induced coma.

27) Atlanta Falcons - Kyle Rudolph, TE, Notre Dame

Matt Ryan likes tight ends. Tony Gonzalez is likely in his final year in the NFL. Damn, why couldn't I just leave that first sentence? That would have colored this pick differently.

28) New England Patriots - Mikel Leshoure, RB, Illinois

Patriots get arguably the best rusher in the draft, which makes the rest of America look at the sky and ask why God hates them.

29) Chicago Bears - Jimmy Smith, CB, Colorado

Jay Cutler will look apathetically up at his television screen during this pick before he goes back to sulking and stealing other people's girlfriends.

30) New York Jets - Cameron Heyward, DE, Ohio State

The ghost of Gholston is silenced with this pick. Great feet on this prospect. Great feet.

31) Pittsburgh Steelers - Ben Ijalana, OL, Villanova

Steelers need to continue to upgrade their offensive line to push women out of bathrooms frequented by Big Ben.

32) Green Bay Packers - Muhammed Wilkerson, DE, Temple

Aaron Rodgers will be praying the Packers go defense here and they do. Muhammed? Temple? There's a religious joke in there somewhere but I won't touch it with a ten foot pole.

That should wrap it up. I did way more than my usual 2 minutes of research for this column, so I am spent. After the draft we will do a review and assess how completely awful my predictions were. Have a good Easter, folks.

Nice Ones, Chad

Apologies for the site inactivity lately. We are working towards more content and this is the lull that must come as a result.

That said...THIS guy is my favorite team's quarterback. Thanks to TMZ:

Good to see that the labor dispute has not disrupted Chad Henne's intense workout regimine. I'd say that does not bode well for the long term prospects of the Miami Dolphins. If they don't draft a QB in this upcoming draft, I may have to run headfirst into a boulder.

Jay Cutler Blah Blah Blah Jay Cutler Blah Blah Blah

One of those Monday mornings where everyone seems to have a frown on their face. There is no reason to be unhappy as long as there are signs like this around:


Anyhoo, all anyone seems to be talking about lately is Bears QB Jay Cutler letting down his team in the playoffs by not playing through the pain of a hurt knee.

Look, we all know Cutler is a jerk in real life, as his pompous personal and girlfriend-stealing abilities are legendary, but the one thing he can do is play through the pain.

I use, as my only basis whatsoever for backing up this statement, this video:

His expression upon getting hit says it all: "I have a flabby face and body." Actually, I don't know his face said that, but it is what I read.

Dolphins Select New Offensive Coordinator/Ruin My Life

The Miami Dolphins are a frustrating team.

Not frustrating in the, "This team gets on my nerves from time to time" sense.

Something in the realm of, "OH MY GOD WHY ARE THEY DOING WHY THEY ARE DOING? DO THEY WANT ALL OF THE FANS TO RISE UP, RIOT, AND TAKE CONTROL OF THIS TEAM THEMSELVES?! I FEEL LIKE SOMEONE JUST TANYA HARDING-ED MY KNEES AND I'M ON THE FLOOR MOANING 'WHYYYYYYYY' LIKE NANCY KERRIGAN!!!!!" sense.

The latest in their unending wish to give me a premature death consists of hiring former Cleveland Browns Offensive Coordinator Brian Daboll. The Dolphins, you see, had one of the worst offenses in the league last year (30th out of 32 teams in points per game). There were only two teams worse, Cleveland (31st) and Carolina (32nd). Steven Ross, the unbelievably moronic owner of the Dolphins who has made the team a laughingstock by recruiting part-owners Fergie and J. Lo. and failing to lure Jim Harbaugh to coach the team, sent out a message to fans that he would bring an "electrifying offense" to this team in 2011.

Then, he parted ways with his 30th-ranked Offensive Coordinator and got the 31st-ranked one.

Yes.

I'm not making that up.

That really happened.

I want to let that sink in for a second. It's like getting rid of an employee for not showing up to work on time and replacing him with a person who lives on the other side of the planet. It's like firing a person for being too annoying and replacing them with Kathy Lee Gifford.

It's like firing someone for doing a horrible, horrible job at work, has the fans up in arms, was so universally scorned and derided that there was no choice but to "mutually part ways with the team"...and then finding one of the only two people in the entire world worse at doing it. Yeah...it's exactly like that last one.

Now, I'm a "bright side of things" type of guy. In order to put a smiley face on all of this, I am now looking forward to seeing just how far this Titanic of a team will sink. I'm taking my emotions out of the equation and grabbing a bag of popcorn to watch the horror unfold. Will their choice for Quarterback Coach be a parrot? Will they attempt to replace struggling Quarterback Chad Henne with Andy Dick? Is John Candy's corpse in any way involved with team philosophy? In my opinion, it's all gravy, because if I can't enjoy a winning team I at least want a laughably bad one. That middle ground of a 7-9, 8-8, or 9-7 record is the true purgatory, so I'm now just hoping they either sink like a stone or somehow (miracle of all miracles) are good.

So here's hoping for a successful train trip, or a spectacularly entertaining and explosive train wreck. With this hire, you can already hear the wheels sliding off the tracks.

Hot Cheerleader Wednesday: Texans Cheerleader Randi Brady

NFL parity is making it tough for any team to stand out above the others. Right now most of the teams in the league are 2-3 or 3-2, so any sort of competitive advantage is key. For this reason...we need cheerleaders to tell us who is really the best.

That's my logic. I see no flaws in it.

Based on cheerleaders alone, the Houston Texans would win the next 80 super bowls. Whenever their team is televised on the east coast, I get dozens of texts from friends saying things like, "Look how hot the Texans cheerleaders are" and "Wait...the Houston Texans have a football team? Are those the guys running around behind the beautiful dancing women?"

It's like the team looked elsewhere in the state, saw the Cowboys cheerleaders, and decided the only way they could top them was to genetically engineer women in a lab. It is a miracle of science and probably cost millions.

Kicking off this trend of Texan beauty is a lady by the name of Randi Brady (who has since left the team to go on to modeling...shocker). She is the original gangsta who made the collective eyes of America shift to the Texans, much like this fatty in the black shirt is doing here:


Randi was even named "Hottest Cheerleader in the NFL" by Maxim a while back, which seems a good barometer for attractiveness (Maxim also brought our attention to Miami Dolphin favorite Lilly Robbins). The fact that Texans fans were looking elsewhere in the stadium to take their eyes off of the piss-poor David Carr-led product on the field must have helped her exposure.

Anyways, here are some images of Randi Brady for your Wednesday enjoyment:

Ol' Small Hands Has Still Got It

Alex Smith, the QB who had the fun privilege of having his small hands pointed out to every NFL fan in America before he was drafted by the 49ers, continues to continue his upward climb to super stardom in the NFL.

Wait.

Replace "continues to continue his upward climb to super stardom in the NFL" with "plummet to the depths of horrible QB play hell".

Fans booing is inherently hilarious, but them booing AND chanting that they want perennial loser David Carr is a masterpiece. While the 49ers are for the most part a horrifically boring team to watch this year, this clip makes this game look like one I'm sad to have missed.

Don't Taze Me Bro!

Great sack celebration...

Not All Kids Are Annoying Hoodlums I Want Off My Lawn

Although most kids do awful things like spray paint, destroy public property, and egg houses on mischief night (I will hide in the bushes with a hose this year), sometimes they are okay in my book. This is one of those times.

In this video, members of the Lake Stevens Football team handed the ball to a mentally handicapped kid on their squad, and the other team resisted the urge to tackle and let the kid have an amazing moment he'll never forget.



I have to say, the players around the kid sold it pretty well. I would give an Oscar to the kid who tries the diving tackle, as well as the blocker and blockee that come in at the end. It's one of those heart string-tugging moments that I don't find corny or annoying, but genuinely cool. The only letdown was a lack of a cool endzone celebration, but it makes sense since I remember all-too-serious referees penalizing my ass for stuff like that when I was younger. Who says that 4th grade isn't the right place to do that convoluted 10 minute Deion Sanders dance?

Rolando McClain Had My Favorite Play Of The Week

Now this is a tackle. Actually, it's a WWE move, but who am I to mince words. Extra points for how happy McClain was after getting hit with an unnecessary roughness penalty by the refs. Listen to the crowd react to the replay! I can't say enough good things about this. Genius.

Yay For NFL On-Field Microphones!

NFL Football is upon us, and no one is happier than me. -Well, me and Bernard Pollard of the Houston Texans, as this clip will show.

Despite the fact that I was traveling for most Sunday, I still was able to see a snippet of a football game on TV in a cafe. I was delighted when the game I was watching cut away live to the Texans-Colts game, and this was the play that I saw. How can you NOT love on-field microphones? There is a good 50/50 chance of something going horribly wrong.

Reggie Wayne will think twice before catching a pass on Bernard Pollard, and CBS will think twice before miking the players:

Hot Cheerleader Wednesday: San Francisco 49ers

I've been quite sick over the past week, which has limited how much I can go to the gym. Ah well, I can still watch other people work out and feel healthy...like this guy:



With that delightful image in mind, it's time for HCW. This week we travel to San Francisco, whose football team is currently mulling a move to Santa Clara. The Santa Clara 49ers doesn't really have much of a ring to it, especially since that area is better known as Silicon Valley, and not an area where gold was mined.

Ah screw it, there are no lakes in Los Angeles and no Jazz in Utah, so here are some damn cheerleaders:

Golden Tate Has Potential

I just read this story on Rotoworld.com, and really there are no words to accompany it so I'll let it speak for itself. What a great way to write the first Seattle Seahawks story for ZCD:

Rookie WR Golden Tate was caught trespassing inside a Top Pot donut shop in Bellevue, Washington at 3:00 a.m. Saturday morning, according to TMZ.com.

Profootballtalk.com confirms the report. Tate and a friend apparently got the munchies after hitting the bar scene. The only problem was that the donut shop was closed while they were scarfing down breakfast. Tate managed to escape arrest, receiving a "trespass warning" instead. While he should also avoid league discipline, he won't be so fortunate when it comes to rookie hazing at training camp. Jun. 8 - 2:26 pm et

Hot Cheerleader Wednesday: St Louis Rams

There is zero sports news these days, thanks in large part to the pre-NBA finals snorefest, baseball just ramping up, and football's free agency period ending (my apologies to hockey fans from Philly and Chicago...).

Thus, it is little surprise that the top story around the country today regards highly-regarded Rams safety Oj Atogwe becoming a free agent. Is this interesting news? No chance in hell.

...but it does give me an excuse to finally focus on the St. Louis Rams on ZCD in the form of Hot Cheerleader Wednesday!

Enjoy, Rams fans:

Hot Cheerleader Wednesday...Friday Edition: San Diego Chargers

The Eastern Conference finals have me all discombobulated (I'm waiting for the inevitable Orlando Magic stab in the gut as soon as they made it interesting), so Wednesday went by with nary a cheerleader in sight. I would hate to leave you unfulfilled, especially going into a sunny Memorial Day weekend, so here you go.

With it being an (optimistically) sunny long weekend, let's travel to a warm weather spot. Specifically someplace that's Spanish for "A Whale's Vagina": San Diego.

There are almost too many photos of San Diego cheerleaders on the internet, so I've tried to filter it down for you a bit. Have a good Memorial Day ladies and gents.

BERMAN IS A JACKASS!

I watched Berman flip out during the draft and laughed hysterically, making my wife watch it no less than 3 times. The wonder of Youtube has captured this moment. Enjoy!

MORTAL KOMBAAAAT! Kiper vs. McShay

Two egos, one TV screen. Ready? FIGHT!

An Insider's Look At The Raiders and Browns' Draft Boards

Since there has been, from what I can tell, an embarrassing lack of NFL draft coverage on TV, we here have graciously decided to make this your home for all things football. The average person is 62% water. We are unquestionably made of 100% smash-mouth, stopwatch toting, HGH injected football. To prove it, we did our best Mission Impossible impression to infiltrate the complexes of the Raiders and Browns to bring you a look at their top secret draft boards.

Raiders
1. "Captain" Oliver Blackrock - What Al Davis and the Raiders have been lacking since 1960 has been a flesh and blood pirate that can play in a run and shoot offense and can sack the quaterback['s hometown]. In Blackrock, the Raiders believe they will have both. Strength: Paid in doubloons. Weakness: Peg leg.

2. Jimmy Wheeler - Last year's pick of Darrius Heyward-Bey demonstrates how much Oakland values speed. Wheeler is high on their board after a strong season as a paraplegic wheelchair sprinter. Oakland brass believe that his blazing speed outweighs concerns about rough turf, jump balls and flats. Strength: Baseball cards in the spokes. Weakness: I feel bad after writing this...

3. General Tso - This cousin of Yao Ming is a raw special teams player that Al Davis hopes slips to them in the 3rd or 4th round. Although probably better suited for basketball or reaching for that dish on the top shelf, Davis thinks that his 7'6" wingspan will help with blocking kicks and could possibly make him the only person alive to make Jamarcus Russell look accurate. Strength: Sweet and spicy. Weakness: You get hungry again an hour later.

Browns
1. Gerald "Dumpy" McCoy - This 339 lbs monster nose tackle gives both offensive lineman and the team laundry guy nightmares. Doctors have been unable to properly treat his rare form of irritable bowel syndrome, resulting in McCoy having to miss every other defensive series to change his pants. Strength: Can fart the alphabet. Weakness: No one wants to be his roommate during camp.

2. Dakota Canis - Dakota is the Dawg Pound's dream. He's a 330 pound English Mastiff that is impossible to move, but has trouble trying ignore stray cats in the stadiums, opposing coaches with treats, and chasing the ball. Strength: What a good boy he is! He's a very good boy! Weakness: Pees on the rug.

3. Craig "Glasshead" Heyward - This running back prospect is the nephew of the famed Saint, "Ironhead" Heyward. Like his uncle, he's got nimble feet but looks to plow over any would-be defenders. Unlike his uncle, he's prone to concussions. A lot of concussions. Seriously, he's already forgotten math. Strength: Does a good impression of that Zest commercial. Weakness: Forgets plays...and how to eat.


4. Reverend Brother Cyrus Luther Solomon - Mike Holmgren would prefer that no one know of his super sleeper pick, but you can't fool us. The good reverend is considered the best athlete on the offensive side of the ball, but because of his religion he cannot play on Sundays. Oh, but watch out when/if Cleveland makes it onto MNF! Strength: On his deathbed, he'll receive total consciousness. So he's got that goin' for him, which is nice. Weakness: Leaves activator residue everywhere.

2010 NFL Mock Draft! Tebow-less, As It Should Be!

There are few things in this world that I love more than the NFL draft. -Perhaps Buffalo Wings, Landshark beer, and watching drunk New Yorkers make fools of themselves would be the only things to top it.

Wait a second...those three things are ALL things I can enjoy DURING the NFL Draft!

Toss in the fact that the draft is an event that is virtually all glitz and no substance, Mel Kiper is talking passionately about how well another guys' hips swivel, and Al Davis' mental deficiencies are showcased for the world and you have me hooked.

Last year I spent the event at the ESPNZone in Times Square and I remember it all as a haze beer, wings, Jets fans cheering for the Mark Sanchez selection, and everyone wondering exactly how Darrius Heyward-Bey went 5th overall. It was such a magical day that my aim this year is to recreate that day in every way possible, minus the undying Ted Ginn talk (he is off the Dolphins roster, my soul can now ascend to heaven).

Anyhoo, what would a good NFL draft be without a mock to go along with it? After the draft I'll be sure to post grades for how the teams did and how many correct picks I get right (hint: I will be happy with 1 correct). Away we go:

1) Rams - Sam Bradford, QB, Oklahoma
Comment: Least surprising pick of the draft. Rams get their nerdy-looking QB of the future. I will go on record as saying this skinny kid will "turbo suck" in the NFL. Somewhere QB Jake Locker is counting all of the invisible #1 pick money he would have gotten had he not stayed in college.

2) Lions - NDamukong Suh, DT, Nebraska
Comment: Amazing Pick for the Lions. In a perfect world, Suh would have been a #1 pick in this draft. Unfortunately, the world is a cold, dark place where people like Jamarcus Russell are picked this high. Somewhere Jamarcus is not exercising as I write this.

3) Bucs - Gerald McCoy, DT, Oklahoma
Comment: First moron on ESPN who calls this guy "The Real McCoy" will set the world record for eye rolls in a single televised event. Safe money is on Berman.

4) Redskins - Russell Okung, OT, Oklahoma State
Comment: Safe, smart pick for the Redskins, a team that has been long averse to safe, smart picks. If there is any chance that Okung will play against Suh in a game this upcoming season, I will manufacture "Kong vs. Kung" t-shirts and make millions.

5) "Chefs" (Great Goggley Moggley) - Brian Bulaga, OT, Iowa
Comment: Which fat man has more girth within the organization, Crennel or Weis? I will go Weis and gamble that they will spend this pick to surround their pretty boy QB with help.

6) Seahawks - Trent Williams, OT, Oklahoma
Comment: Hey NFL, you know what the worst possible thing is to happen to you with your pretty, new Thursday-Saturday draft schedule? That's right, a draft of ALMOST ALL OFFENSIVE AND DEFENSIVE TACKLES IN THE TOP 10 PICKS! Suck on that, Goodell.

7) Cleveland - Eric Berry, DB, Tennessee
Comment: The player every team drafting in the teens hoped would drop gets scooped up here. Berman is almost certain to annoy with a name pun here. I can only pray the pun involves a reference to Mangini's love of Berries (note: Mangini is approximately 450 pounds these days).

8) Raiders - Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame
Comment: As previously mentioned, Crypt-keeper Al Davis is certifiably insane and it has become the best part of the draft to see who his team will pick. Everyone has a wildcard name out there, and mine is Jimmy Clausen.

9) Bills - CJ Spiller, RB, Clemson
Comment: The Bills need fans, and need something pretty and shiny to keep the team from going up to Canada. If Tebow were anything close to a QB, he would be the pick, but they have to settle for Reggie Bush version 2.0.

10) Jaguars - Derrick Morgan, DE/OLB, Georgia Tech
Comment: The speed of the Jags' pass rush unit last year resembled the Golden Girls, so look for them to get the safest, most proven rusher in this draft.

11) Broncos - Rolando McClain, ILB, Alabama
Comment: The Broncos have been mocked with this guy since the week before the Super Bowl. The mighty Nick Satan somehow swindles another team into making one of his flawed players a top 15 pick.

12) Dolphins - Earl Thomas, S, Texas
Comment: The Dolphins will try to trade down like no team has ever tried to trade down before. If they are unsuccessful, they will look to fill huge needs at OLB, S, and NT. With Morgan off the board, Thomas appears to represent the only clear cut top 15 talent at this spot. He also fits the team's growing "we like skill position players with dreadlocks" draft strategy.

13) 49ers - Joe Haden, CB, Florida
Comment: The Niners have an abysmal secondary and would be overjoyed if Haden lasted until their lucky number 13 pick. This is such a good pick for them, roughly 107% of all mocks have Haden to the Niners at this spot.

14) Seahawks - Dez Bryant, WR, Oklahoma State
Comment: Following a rather blah first pick, Pete Carroll will look for something to dazzle and excite Seahawks fans. He can't run Bryant's name up to the podium quick enough after Seahawks fans missed out on Brandon Marshall.

15) Giants - Anthony Davis, OT, Rutgers
Comment: Giants fans love nothing more than a flashy pick. -Scratch that. Giants fans love nothing more than a draft pick from Rutgers. There will be many happy faces in NJ/NYC on draft day.

16) Titans - Brandon Graham, DE/OLB, Michigan
Comment: Every fan's favorite OLB prospect in this draft, it is finally Jeff Fischer's moustache that pulls the trigger on this. I would love if there is a twin Jeff Fischer without a mustache living somewhere. -The "good" Jeff Fischer.

17) 49ers - Taylor Mays, S, USC
Comment: A surprisingly high pick here for Mays, who has been getting bashed lately despite a combine that anyone would kill for. Singletary likes athletic, and Mays fits that bill. Singletary also likes showing people his bare ass, so a bare ass could be drafted here.

18) Steelers - Maurkice Pouncey, C, Florida
Comment: The Steelers have been vocal about being in love with this guy, and something tells me they wouldn't look kindly upon lying. They want to seem as squeaky clean as possible lately.

19) Falcons - Jason Pierre Paul, DE/OLB, USF
Comment: Ever since I saw JPP, I saw him in Falcons uniform. I don't know what it is. Maybe I have been sent from the future to tell you all this. I do know they'd like pass rush help, so that only solidifies it.

20) Texans - Ryan Mathews, RB, Fresno State
Comment: Houston needs a RB after Steve Slaton killed them...and my fantasy football team...last year. Screw you, Slaton.

21) Bengals - Sergio Kindle, OLB/DE, Texas
Comment: The Bengals are a bit of a wild card in this year's draft in that there are a bunch of spots they could use help, including the WR spot. I look for them to stick with the orange and call Kindle's name.

22) Patriots - Jermaine Gresham, TE, Oklahoma
Comment: It's unfathomable that Oklahoma was such a bad team last year with all of the first round talent on their squad. Gresham definitely fits the bill for that, and Tom Brady gets one more person to throw to while he waits for jackass Wes Welker to nurse his boo boo.

23) Packers - Kyle Wilson, CB, Boise State
Comment: Wilson is flying up draft boards and some are saying he is the best CB in this draft. I have to agree that his skills are intriguing, and would make an already terrifying Packers D that much more terrifying-er.

24) Eagles - Sean Weatherspoon, OLB/DE, Mizzou
Comment: The Eagles are eager to add some firepower on D and Weatherspoon is the perfect fit for them. Mark my words, I WILL sing "Spoonman" by Soundgarden at full volume when he is picked, whether my friends like it or not.

25) Ravens - Dan Williams, NT, Tennessee
Comment: Trevor Pryce is 35, and the Ravens would be amazed to find Williams here this late. If he is swept up beforehand, I think Odrick is the pick. Either way, I think they'll be less inclined to go WR than all these other mock drafts seem to think.

26) Cardinals - Patrick Robinson, CB, Florida State
Comment: If the Cardinals go anything but defense here, they are complete morons. They allowed about 1 million points in the playoffs last year and lost two of their best players in Dansby and Rolle. This helps calm the sobbing from their D coordinator.

27) Cowboys - Mike Iupati, G, Idaho
Comment: Drunk Jerry Jones will be amazed to see the #1 guard in the draft last until the 27th pick. Look for this to be the Dolphins pick if they trade down with the Cowboys, as some are speculating. Either way, I see Iupati going at this later-than-expected spot.

28) Chargers - Jared Odrick, NT, Penn State
Comment: The Chargers, having seen both RBs gone already, go NT here with the best option left on the board. I think Odrick is a highly undervalued player, and will eventually be better than Dan Williams. Chargers get a find here.

29) Jets - Jerry Hughes, OLB/DE, Texas Christian
Comment: The Jets winding up with such a good pass rusher this late...in the words of Bill O'Reilly during his rant on Inside Edition, "This thing Suckkkssssssss". Bravo, fat man. Bravo.

30) Vikings - Devin McCourty, CB, Rutgers
Comment: Cedric Griffen, the team's stellar defensive back, tore his ACL badly in the playoffs last year and Antoine Winfield is 33. You don't just hope that the player bounces back from age and injury. Look for a CB here.

31) Colts - Charles Brown, OT, USC
Comment: Somehow, SOMEHOW, the Colts always make these super late picks count. They'd be wise never to have an early pick in a draft again. Here they find a fantastic tackle that will help anchor Manning's front line for years. Insane.

32) Saints - Terrence Cody, NT, Alabama
Comment: The Saints are said to be in the market for a nose tackle, and fatso was the one of the best options until he actually got weighed. A boom-or-bust pick for the Saints, but nevertheless one that will be really, really fun to make fun of.

That's it! Phew that took forever. I need a shower.