Nice Ones, Chad

Apologies for the site inactivity lately. We are working towards more content and this is the lull that must come as a result.

That said...THIS guy is my favorite team's quarterback. Thanks to TMZ:

Good to see that the labor dispute has not disrupted Chad Henne's intense workout regimine. I'd say that does not bode well for the long term prospects of the Miami Dolphins. If they don't draft a QB in this upcoming draft, I may have to run headfirst into a boulder.

Dolphins Select New Offensive Coordinator/Ruin My Life

The Miami Dolphins are a frustrating team.

Not frustrating in the, "This team gets on my nerves from time to time" sense.

Something in the realm of, "OH MY GOD WHY ARE THEY DOING WHY THEY ARE DOING? DO THEY WANT ALL OF THE FANS TO RISE UP, RIOT, AND TAKE CONTROL OF THIS TEAM THEMSELVES?! I FEEL LIKE SOMEONE JUST TANYA HARDING-ED MY KNEES AND I'M ON THE FLOOR MOANING 'WHYYYYYYYY' LIKE NANCY KERRIGAN!!!!!" sense.

The latest in their unending wish to give me a premature death consists of hiring former Cleveland Browns Offensive Coordinator Brian Daboll. The Dolphins, you see, had one of the worst offenses in the league last year (30th out of 32 teams in points per game). There were only two teams worse, Cleveland (31st) and Carolina (32nd). Steven Ross, the unbelievably moronic owner of the Dolphins who has made the team a laughingstock by recruiting part-owners Fergie and J. Lo. and failing to lure Jim Harbaugh to coach the team, sent out a message to fans that he would bring an "electrifying offense" to this team in 2011.

Then, he parted ways with his 30th-ranked Offensive Coordinator and got the 31st-ranked one.

Yes.

I'm not making that up.

That really happened.

I want to let that sink in for a second. It's like getting rid of an employee for not showing up to work on time and replacing him with a person who lives on the other side of the planet. It's like firing a person for being too annoying and replacing them with Kathy Lee Gifford.

It's like firing someone for doing a horrible, horrible job at work, has the fans up in arms, was so universally scorned and derided that there was no choice but to "mutually part ways with the team"...and then finding one of the only two people in the entire world worse at doing it. Yeah...it's exactly like that last one.

Now, I'm a "bright side of things" type of guy. In order to put a smiley face on all of this, I am now looking forward to seeing just how far this Titanic of a team will sink. I'm taking my emotions out of the equation and grabbing a bag of popcorn to watch the horror unfold. Will their choice for Quarterback Coach be a parrot? Will they attempt to replace struggling Quarterback Chad Henne with Andy Dick? Is John Candy's corpse in any way involved with team philosophy? In my opinion, it's all gravy, because if I can't enjoy a winning team I at least want a laughably bad one. That middle ground of a 7-9, 8-8, or 9-7 record is the true purgatory, so I'm now just hoping they either sink like a stone or somehow (miracle of all miracles) are good.

So here's hoping for a successful train trip, or a spectacularly entertaining and explosive train wreck. With this hire, you can already hear the wheels sliding off the tracks.

Hot Cheerleader Wednesday - Lilly Robbins, Miami Dolphins

I still remember the first time I saw Lilly Robbins in an issue of Maxim. I had just come back inside from a long day of chopping wood, saving woodland creatures, and planting trees (for future chopping down). As I sifted through my enormous pile of fan mail, I came across the magazine with her image and stared at it for a solid 5 seconds before my heaving, muscled forearms disintegrated the pages.

It was a good day.














Update: Just in case you didn't love life enough...

Brandon Marshall To Miami

Brandon Marshall has been traded to my Miami Dolphins. This makes my soul smile. -Not because he is going to break up the boring that is this Miami team, but also because we can be treated to more videos like this:



Now it that's not explosive, I don't know what is. Congrats fellow Dolphins fans! We'll be in the news more than once a year now!

QB Brady Quinn Traded, A Nation Remembers The Funniest Draft Response Ever

Brady Quinn is now a member of the Denver Broncos, a marriage that will no doubt result in a pile of dog excrement.

-But that's not the important thing. What is important is remembering the reaction of Miami Dolphins fans, myself included, during the first round of the 2007 draft. It was the worst of times, but in retrospect was definitely the best of times. Enjoy:

Joey Porter Loves Puppies, Babies, Inflatable Toys/Hates Humans

Simply the most adorable team cancer in the history of the NFL:

Combed through 800 photos of Joey Porter showing his midriff to find these. Your welcome, world.

Patriots Honor Crappy Teams From Patriots Past With Loss

MIAMI, Florida - Tom Brady and the New England Patriots lost to the Miami Dolphins by the narrowest of margins yesterday, keeping the "throwback" theme of this year's team on track.

"We're really happy that in keeping with the old uniforms, the team could embrace its history by losing in gut-churning fashion. They really knocked this one out of the park. It's so great to have players honoring previous Patriots teams this way", said team owner Robert Kraft.

Tom Brady, the "Golden Boy" who is coupled with a Victoria Secret model, had a horrible 4th quarter collapse. "I was just doing my part to remind people that many of the previous QBs for this team had horrible fortunes. Heck, even I have children with some broad that I was dating and ran away from when I found out she was pregnant. It's my way of reminding people how awful the history of this team is, and hopefully I was successful in that."

When reached for comment, Miami Dolphins LB Joey Porter yelled something unintelligible and punched out a security guard. Many believe this was an homage to "thugs of Miami Dolphins past", including Brian Cox and Cecil Collins.

College Photo Of QB Chad Henne To Star In Dumb & Dumber Sequel

HOLLYWOOD, California - The Farrelly brothers, looking for a star to replace holdout Jim Carrey in a planned Dumb & Dumber sequel, have apparently found their man.

Searching the internet idly for photos of Kyle Orton downing bottles of Jack in college, Peter Farrelly came across a photo of Miami Dolphins quarterback Chad Henne with two ladies on each arm. The photo said "ladies man". The photo said "stud".

The photo also said, "The name's Christmas...Lloyd Christmas".

Negotiations with the soft-spoken quarterback are already underway, and with Jeff Daniels and Lauren Holly already locked up the directing duo plans to begin shooting as early as January 2010.

Reached for comment about the role, Henne spoke to reporters with excitement. "The chance to play a character loved by millions is a dream come true. I've got the mannerisms down, and I'm working on on Carrey's trademark delivery of the line "I like it a-lot" in the first movie. All I need at this point is a chipped tooth...we play the Patriots this week and my offensive line is banged up, so I've got that covered."

New Line Cinema has already released a promotional image for sequel:

Ronnie Brown Placed On IR, Then Placed Into Sparano's Smock

I heard it's equally good at keeping your shirt from getting stained by finger paint or marinara sauce!