NFL Mock Draft 2011

The NFL draft is next Thursday, and like you I am very, very excited to watch it. There is something grand and beautiful about putting so many hopes and dreams upon a team and players that do not give two craps if you exist. It's a time for hope. It's a time when dreams come true. It's a time when critiquing parts of other men's bodies, using words like "length", "girth", and "huge motor", seem completely straight.

I've been balking at doing any sort of mock draft for the first round, primarily because my opinions this offseason have swung wilder than Elisha Cuthbert's weight (did anyone see her on her new show "Happy Endings"? She appeared to have lost 40 pounds between the first and second episodes. That couldn't have been pleasant for her, although I'm not complaining).

Anyhoo, here is the Zombies Can Dunk 2011 NFL Mock Draft:

1) Carolina Panthers - Cam Newton, QB, Auburn

Let's face it: Current QB Jimmy Clausen's head looks like it was squashed down in a vice. That is no way for a franchise quarterback to look.

2) Denver Broncos - Marcell Dareus, DT, Alabama

Broncos GM might pretend that he is drafting a QB here, but he looks in the mirror EVERY DAY and compares himself to these guys. Every QB lacks his talent...and teeth.

3) Buffalo Bills - Von Miller, OLB, Texas A&M

This guy is scary tough, and will need to be to survive a winter in Buffalo. His entire name sounds like a last name...another bonafide sign of toughness.

4) Cincinnati Bengals - Blaine Gabbert, QB, Missouri

Every one of Blaine Gabbert's photos make him look like an egotistical jackass. You can tell he practices that squinty eye, Blue Steel look in the mirror daily. Have fun with that, Cincy.

5) Arizona Cardinals - Patrick Peterson, CB, LSU

Cardinals fans had a good run of non-mediocrity for a while there. Peterson is an amazing talent, but unless he can do the Deion Sanders and play offense as well, this team is doomed.

6) Cleveland Browns - AJ Green, WR, Georgia

The Browns get the best WR in the draft. Yeah, big consolation to losing Lebron James.

7) San Francisco 49ers - Robert Quinn, DE, North Carolina

Coach Jim Harbaugh is OBSESSED with quarterbacks, so I won't rule out something bizarre happening here...like him drafting himself...but this is the pick for now.

8) Tennessee Titans - Nick Fairley, DT, Auburn

Tennessee's defensive line coach was Nick Fairley's coach in college. I need no other reason. I'm going to use this pick to take a bathroom break.

9) Dallas Cowboys - Prince Amukamara, CB, Nebraska

It took me 3 tries to spell that damn last name right. Jerry Jones can drunkenly slur out Prince's first name, so this will be the pick.

10) Washington Redskins - Jake Locker, QB, Washington

Redskins reach to get their guy here, and if you've watched any tape you would know Locker is pretty awful. Expect that Shanahan face to get redder...like the helmet logo.

11) Houston Texans - JJ Watt, DE, Wisconsin

The rare first name question and last name response. I have high hopes for this guy.

12) Minnesotta Vikings -Cameron Jordan, DE, California

The Vikings could very well go Ryan Mallett here, but Leslie Frazier doesn't seem like the type to tolerate Mallett's attitude. I can actually picture Frazier bitch-slapping him.

13) Detroit Lions - Tyron Smith, OT, USC

The Lions need a franchise left tackle and Tyron Smith slips this far right into their laps. Somewhere, as I type this, Wayne Fontes just ate an entire bucket of KFC himself.

14) St Louis Rams - Julio Jones, WR, Alabama

Rams fans get the guy they've wanted to pair with QB Sam Bradford. Literally the happiest anyone has ever been to interact with a guy named "Julio".

15) Miami Dolphins - Ryan Mallett, QB, Arkansas

I could not be less confident with a selection. Dolphins fans, including myself, really want a QB...which history dictates will lead the Dolphins to selecting a lineman. FML.

16) Jacksonville Jaguars - Aldon Smith, DE, Missouri

I keep hearing people call Aldon Smith a "freak of nature". For once, I would love one of these players to misread that phrase as an insult and go berzerk.

17) New England Patriots - Anthony Castonzo, OT, Boston

Just when you thought your team had a shot to tear Tom Brady's wig off, they draft more talented lineman help. Sigh.

18) San Diego Chargers - Gabe Carimi, OT, Wisconsin

It's a run on offensive tackles! In my mind's eye, Gabe Carimi has an italian accent and just uses his last name to describe the texture of ice cream.

19) New York Giants - Mark Ingram, RB, Alabama

Giants fans, with their stadium 10 minutes from my house, have an excuse to high five and fist pump, yelling, "We gots In-grum!" I can't wait.

20) Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Ryan Kerrigan, DE, Purdue

The Bucs would trade up to get a great player, but as is the case at the 20 spot, someone will drop right into their laps. I miss the creamsicle uniforms.

21) Kansas City Chiefs - Akeem Ayers, OLB, UCLA

The first player taken slightly early. Very exciting! Not because of the selection, but because we get to hear Herm Edwards comment on the pick for the team he destroyed.

22) Indianapolis Colts - Mike Pouncey, C, Florida

People are speculating the Colts will draft a quarterback to become the heir apparent to Manning. Not. Bloody. Likely.

23) Philadelphia Eagles - Derrick Sherrod, OT, Mississippi

Who knew there were so many tackles rated this high? Why am I excited for this draft again?

24) New Orleans Saints - DaQuan Bowers, DE, Clemson

This guy fell in the draft and the Saints have become one of the smartest organizations in football, so they nab a gem here. Can you believe the Saints are good? I still can't!

25) Seattle Seahawks - Christian Ponder, QB, Florida State

Ponder is a QB I think could be the best player in this entire draft. That said, his haircut is simply awful. What the hell are you thinking, Christian?

26) Baltimore Ravens - Nate Solder, OT, Colorado

Ravens are surprised to get a player this good this late. By this point I have slipped into an offensive tackle-induced coma.

27) Atlanta Falcons - Kyle Rudolph, TE, Notre Dame

Matt Ryan likes tight ends. Tony Gonzalez is likely in his final year in the NFL. Damn, why couldn't I just leave that first sentence? That would have colored this pick differently.

28) New England Patriots - Mikel Leshoure, RB, Illinois

Patriots get arguably the best rusher in the draft, which makes the rest of America look at the sky and ask why God hates them.

29) Chicago Bears - Jimmy Smith, CB, Colorado

Jay Cutler will look apathetically up at his television screen during this pick before he goes back to sulking and stealing other people's girlfriends.

30) New York Jets - Cameron Heyward, DE, Ohio State

The ghost of Gholston is silenced with this pick. Great feet on this prospect. Great feet.

31) Pittsburgh Steelers - Ben Ijalana, OL, Villanova

Steelers need to continue to upgrade their offensive line to push women out of bathrooms frequented by Big Ben.

32) Green Bay Packers - Muhammed Wilkerson, DE, Temple

Aaron Rodgers will be praying the Packers go defense here and they do. Muhammed? Temple? There's a religious joke in there somewhere but I won't touch it with a ten foot pole.

That should wrap it up. I did way more than my usual 2 minutes of research for this column, so I am spent. After the draft we will do a review and assess how completely awful my predictions were. Have a good Easter, folks.

2010 NFL Mock Draft! Tebow-less, As It Should Be!

There are few things in this world that I love more than the NFL draft. -Perhaps Buffalo Wings, Landshark beer, and watching drunk New Yorkers make fools of themselves would be the only things to top it.

Wait a second...those three things are ALL things I can enjoy DURING the NFL Draft!

Toss in the fact that the draft is an event that is virtually all glitz and no substance, Mel Kiper is talking passionately about how well another guys' hips swivel, and Al Davis' mental deficiencies are showcased for the world and you have me hooked.

Last year I spent the event at the ESPNZone in Times Square and I remember it all as a haze beer, wings, Jets fans cheering for the Mark Sanchez selection, and everyone wondering exactly how Darrius Heyward-Bey went 5th overall. It was such a magical day that my aim this year is to recreate that day in every way possible, minus the undying Ted Ginn talk (he is off the Dolphins roster, my soul can now ascend to heaven).

Anyhoo, what would a good NFL draft be without a mock to go along with it? After the draft I'll be sure to post grades for how the teams did and how many correct picks I get right (hint: I will be happy with 1 correct). Away we go:

1) Rams - Sam Bradford, QB, Oklahoma
Comment: Least surprising pick of the draft. Rams get their nerdy-looking QB of the future. I will go on record as saying this skinny kid will "turbo suck" in the NFL. Somewhere QB Jake Locker is counting all of the invisible #1 pick money he would have gotten had he not stayed in college.

2) Lions - NDamukong Suh, DT, Nebraska
Comment: Amazing Pick for the Lions. In a perfect world, Suh would have been a #1 pick in this draft. Unfortunately, the world is a cold, dark place where people like Jamarcus Russell are picked this high. Somewhere Jamarcus is not exercising as I write this.

3) Bucs - Gerald McCoy, DT, Oklahoma
Comment: First moron on ESPN who calls this guy "The Real McCoy" will set the world record for eye rolls in a single televised event. Safe money is on Berman.

4) Redskins - Russell Okung, OT, Oklahoma State
Comment: Safe, smart pick for the Redskins, a team that has been long averse to safe, smart picks. If there is any chance that Okung will play against Suh in a game this upcoming season, I will manufacture "Kong vs. Kung" t-shirts and make millions.

5) "Chefs" (Great Goggley Moggley) - Brian Bulaga, OT, Iowa
Comment: Which fat man has more girth within the organization, Crennel or Weis? I will go Weis and gamble that they will spend this pick to surround their pretty boy QB with help.

6) Seahawks - Trent Williams, OT, Oklahoma
Comment: Hey NFL, you know what the worst possible thing is to happen to you with your pretty, new Thursday-Saturday draft schedule? That's right, a draft of ALMOST ALL OFFENSIVE AND DEFENSIVE TACKLES IN THE TOP 10 PICKS! Suck on that, Goodell.

7) Cleveland - Eric Berry, DB, Tennessee
Comment: The player every team drafting in the teens hoped would drop gets scooped up here. Berman is almost certain to annoy with a name pun here. I can only pray the pun involves a reference to Mangini's love of Berries (note: Mangini is approximately 450 pounds these days).

8) Raiders - Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame
Comment: As previously mentioned, Crypt-keeper Al Davis is certifiably insane and it has become the best part of the draft to see who his team will pick. Everyone has a wildcard name out there, and mine is Jimmy Clausen.

9) Bills - CJ Spiller, RB, Clemson
Comment: The Bills need fans, and need something pretty and shiny to keep the team from going up to Canada. If Tebow were anything close to a QB, he would be the pick, but they have to settle for Reggie Bush version 2.0.

10) Jaguars - Derrick Morgan, DE/OLB, Georgia Tech
Comment: The speed of the Jags' pass rush unit last year resembled the Golden Girls, so look for them to get the safest, most proven rusher in this draft.

11) Broncos - Rolando McClain, ILB, Alabama
Comment: The Broncos have been mocked with this guy since the week before the Super Bowl. The mighty Nick Satan somehow swindles another team into making one of his flawed players a top 15 pick.

12) Dolphins - Earl Thomas, S, Texas
Comment: The Dolphins will try to trade down like no team has ever tried to trade down before. If they are unsuccessful, they will look to fill huge needs at OLB, S, and NT. With Morgan off the board, Thomas appears to represent the only clear cut top 15 talent at this spot. He also fits the team's growing "we like skill position players with dreadlocks" draft strategy.

13) 49ers - Joe Haden, CB, Florida
Comment: The Niners have an abysmal secondary and would be overjoyed if Haden lasted until their lucky number 13 pick. This is such a good pick for them, roughly 107% of all mocks have Haden to the Niners at this spot.

14) Seahawks - Dez Bryant, WR, Oklahoma State
Comment: Following a rather blah first pick, Pete Carroll will look for something to dazzle and excite Seahawks fans. He can't run Bryant's name up to the podium quick enough after Seahawks fans missed out on Brandon Marshall.

15) Giants - Anthony Davis, OT, Rutgers
Comment: Giants fans love nothing more than a flashy pick. -Scratch that. Giants fans love nothing more than a draft pick from Rutgers. There will be many happy faces in NJ/NYC on draft day.

16) Titans - Brandon Graham, DE/OLB, Michigan
Comment: Every fan's favorite OLB prospect in this draft, it is finally Jeff Fischer's moustache that pulls the trigger on this. I would love if there is a twin Jeff Fischer without a mustache living somewhere. -The "good" Jeff Fischer.

17) 49ers - Taylor Mays, S, USC
Comment: A surprisingly high pick here for Mays, who has been getting bashed lately despite a combine that anyone would kill for. Singletary likes athletic, and Mays fits that bill. Singletary also likes showing people his bare ass, so a bare ass could be drafted here.

18) Steelers - Maurkice Pouncey, C, Florida
Comment: The Steelers have been vocal about being in love with this guy, and something tells me they wouldn't look kindly upon lying. They want to seem as squeaky clean as possible lately.

19) Falcons - Jason Pierre Paul, DE/OLB, USF
Comment: Ever since I saw JPP, I saw him in Falcons uniform. I don't know what it is. Maybe I have been sent from the future to tell you all this. I do know they'd like pass rush help, so that only solidifies it.

20) Texans - Ryan Mathews, RB, Fresno State
Comment: Houston needs a RB after Steve Slaton killed them...and my fantasy football team...last year. Screw you, Slaton.

21) Bengals - Sergio Kindle, OLB/DE, Texas
Comment: The Bengals are a bit of a wild card in this year's draft in that there are a bunch of spots they could use help, including the WR spot. I look for them to stick with the orange and call Kindle's name.

22) Patriots - Jermaine Gresham, TE, Oklahoma
Comment: It's unfathomable that Oklahoma was such a bad team last year with all of the first round talent on their squad. Gresham definitely fits the bill for that, and Tom Brady gets one more person to throw to while he waits for jackass Wes Welker to nurse his boo boo.

23) Packers - Kyle Wilson, CB, Boise State
Comment: Wilson is flying up draft boards and some are saying he is the best CB in this draft. I have to agree that his skills are intriguing, and would make an already terrifying Packers D that much more terrifying-er.

24) Eagles - Sean Weatherspoon, OLB/DE, Mizzou
Comment: The Eagles are eager to add some firepower on D and Weatherspoon is the perfect fit for them. Mark my words, I WILL sing "Spoonman" by Soundgarden at full volume when he is picked, whether my friends like it or not.

25) Ravens - Dan Williams, NT, Tennessee
Comment: Trevor Pryce is 35, and the Ravens would be amazed to find Williams here this late. If he is swept up beforehand, I think Odrick is the pick. Either way, I think they'll be less inclined to go WR than all these other mock drafts seem to think.

26) Cardinals - Patrick Robinson, CB, Florida State
Comment: If the Cardinals go anything but defense here, they are complete morons. They allowed about 1 million points in the playoffs last year and lost two of their best players in Dansby and Rolle. This helps calm the sobbing from their D coordinator.

27) Cowboys - Mike Iupati, G, Idaho
Comment: Drunk Jerry Jones will be amazed to see the #1 guard in the draft last until the 27th pick. Look for this to be the Dolphins pick if they trade down with the Cowboys, as some are speculating. Either way, I see Iupati going at this later-than-expected spot.

28) Chargers - Jared Odrick, NT, Penn State
Comment: The Chargers, having seen both RBs gone already, go NT here with the best option left on the board. I think Odrick is a highly undervalued player, and will eventually be better than Dan Williams. Chargers get a find here.

29) Jets - Jerry Hughes, OLB/DE, Texas Christian
Comment: The Jets winding up with such a good pass rusher this late...in the words of Bill O'Reilly during his rant on Inside Edition, "This thing Suckkkssssssss". Bravo, fat man. Bravo.

30) Vikings - Devin McCourty, CB, Rutgers
Comment: Cedric Griffen, the team's stellar defensive back, tore his ACL badly in the playoffs last year and Antoine Winfield is 33. You don't just hope that the player bounces back from age and injury. Look for a CB here.

31) Colts - Charles Brown, OT, USC
Comment: Somehow, SOMEHOW, the Colts always make these super late picks count. They'd be wise never to have an early pick in a draft again. Here they find a fantastic tackle that will help anchor Manning's front line for years. Insane.

32) Saints - Terrence Cody, NT, Alabama
Comment: The Saints are said to be in the market for a nose tackle, and fatso was the one of the best options until he actually got weighed. A boom-or-bust pick for the Saints, but nevertheless one that will be really, really fun to make fun of.

That's it! Phew that took forever. I need a shower.