Top This: Ten Worst Musical Numbers in Cinema

Do you read The Vine? Because you should. Today they are (or, more specifically, @Luke Ryan is) counting down the ten worst musical numbers in films ever.


"Don't Walk Away"
When asked for suggestions, I chimed in with "the animated fish scene in XANADU" and thankfully it made it onto the list at no. 10. The rest of the list, however, is equally awful. In fact, due to not having seen all the films these numbers are from, I have discovered some that are indeed far worse than "Don't Walk Away" in which Olivia Newton John and Michael Beck kiss and inexplicably turn into animated fish. Truly. I mean, I can't believe I ever lived in a world in which I didn't know "Top That" from Teen Witch existed. Can you?


"Top That"
It's just so funky!

Some doozies that didn't make the list? Well, I could list the entire soundtrack to the infamous 1984 Dolly Parton/Sylvester Stallone misfire Rhinestone, but special citation must be given to "Drinkenstein" I think, which is made worse by Dolly's "oh isn't that cute" laugh at the end. I don't believe The Dolly Parton would ever find that amusing in the slightest. What about "Sobbin' Women" from Seven Brides for Seven Brothers? A terrible movie for sure, but much like "Thank Heaven for Little Girls from My Fair Lady Gigi, this travesty of a musical number is so far rendered culturally insensitive by it's woeful lyrics that I kinda can't even fathom it existing in 1954! It's an ode to smackin' yo woman so she don't go astray, after all.


"Drinkenstein"


"Sobbin' Women"
And what about EVERYTHING from Were the World Mine, which is a very good example of how bad Glee truly could be and yet thankfully isn't. And while it feels beneath me to rag on product from the Disney field of dreams, "Bet On It" from High School Musical 2 had me in wild guffaws when I watched it. What's with that ridiculous pool reflection and Zac Efron's silly choreography? Yikes!


"Were the World Mine"


"Bet On It"
In the end, however, I think they got it right by naming "The Penis Song" from The Sweetest Thing as the number one worst. It's a travesty, isn't it? Watching Cameron Diaz, Christina Applegate and Selma Blair sing their way through this ode to giving men false impressions of the size of their manhood - "your penis is too big to fit in here!" - is akin to having your eyes and ears stabbed repeatedly with a rusty switchblade. It's diabolical, really. Not to mention the old lady who would've easily been played by Betty White if made five years later. Thank heavens for small mercies. It's just a shame the Razzie committee didn't bestow any of their illustrious honours onto it. I mean, if "Drinkenstein" can win Worst Original Song then why can't "The Penis Song"?


"The Penis Song"
I implore you to read the rest at The Vine and see how low/high Vanilla Ice's contribution to the world of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ("Go ninja / Go ninja, go!") is!

And after all of that, if you just want one more video with a 1980s edge then watch this one. It's the music video for some band called Atomic Tom (they are not a spin-off of Atomic Kitten, featuring that mess of a dishrag Kerry Katona) covering Human League's "Don't You Want Me". The original is an amazing classic, this new version is awful. The video, however, is a hoot as it features an adorkably hot Topher Grace (Definition - clothes on: "aww, ain't he cute!" clothes off: "whoa!") and a hilarious as always Anna Faris (along with some of their co-stars from Take Me Home Tonight) recreating famous moments from 1980s flicks. I don't think I can see Michelle Trachtenberg, but I can see Lucy Punch and Michael Beihn!

Bonus points for Topher Grace taking his shirt off as well as his Risky Business moment. Even more bonus points for Anna Faris looking like Sandra Bernhard as she impersonates Glenn Close's bunny boiler moment from Fatal Attraction. Points off for including Norma Rae, which was from 1979. How'd that slip by? Thanks to the brilliant Jason at My New Plaid Pants for pointing me in the direction of this clip.


"Don't You Want Me"
I want that Human League/Dare tee that Topher Grace is wearing, by the way. Anybody know where I could get my hands on one? Preferably with Topher still inside.

When Xavier Goes to Xanadu

What does one make of Stephan Elliott?

I haven't seen his debut feature, Frauds, but I have meant to. I mean, it stars Phil Collins and Hugo Weaving! He even inserted the poster into his followup, The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. Personally, I would rank Priscilla as not only one of the absolute greatest Australian films of all time, but would also rank as probably the second funniest movie I have ever seen (the best being, obviously, Flying High!) Naturally, he had lofty heights to reach after that one, but unfortunately he followed it up with Welcome to Woop Woop. Even more unfortunate was that he followed that car crash of a movie with, well, a crash on the ski slopes that nearly killed him.

He returned with Easy Virtue a couple of years ago that was a mildly pleasing effort made better by Jessica Biel's best performance yet. I, along with everyone I know who fell privy to knowing of its existence, his next project was supposed to be Black Oasis and it's eventual production hell status remains of the most bitterly disappointing film developments of the last several years. Oh how amazing Black Oasis would have been.

He's back now prepping a new Australian film titled A Few Best Men that sounds more than little bit like The Hangover Down Under, but with today's casting announcements, my enthusiasm - as well as having some remaining faith that Elliott is able to make a ball-busting hilarious film again - has gone through the roof. The roof of a roller disco, that is! From Encore Magazine

The cast of Stephan Elliott’s A Few Best Men will include Xavier Samuel, Kris Marshall, Kevin Bishop and Olivia Newton-John as the mother of the bride.

“I’m thrilled Olivia Newton-John is part of the cast; Dean Craig has written a fantastically entertaining script, and it’s especially exciting to partner Stephan Elliott with Olivia who is a true music and film icon. Olivia will be playing a role that will show her in a light she’s never been seen before and it’s going to turn heads and win new fans,” said producer Gary Hamilton.

Holy shitballs, folks!


"I thought we were filming this is the outback, not the mystical Mt Olympus!"
I have been known to find Xavier Samuel, ahem, a nice screen presence and it will be nice to see him in a comedy that's not Twilight: Eclipse. But, of course, the real news here is Olivia Newton-John. I trust she won't be shooting ping pong balls out of her hoo haa like Julia Cortez in Priscilla. Still, the prospect of seeing Livvy on screen is quite an exciting prospect. Sure, she's never been the best actress, but hopefully Stephan Elliott - a director not adverse to musical sequences - gives her a song to sing and we can all stop caring.


"Ping pong balls out of my what now?"
I can't say I'm familiar with Kevin Bishop or Kris Marshall outside of a few roles they've been in that I, obviously, didn't take much notice. I hear Bishop, especially, has his fans. We'll see whether it all goes down a treat some time in 2012. Let's revisit two of my absolute favourite Olivia tracks, shall we? Yes, we shall!


"Xanadu (film version)" | "Twist of Fate"