Top This: Ten Worst Musical Numbers in Cinema

Do you read The Vine? Because you should. Today they are (or, more specifically, @Luke Ryan is) counting down the ten worst musical numbers in films ever.


"Don't Walk Away"
When asked for suggestions, I chimed in with "the animated fish scene in XANADU" and thankfully it made it onto the list at no. 10. The rest of the list, however, is equally awful. In fact, due to not having seen all the films these numbers are from, I have discovered some that are indeed far worse than "Don't Walk Away" in which Olivia Newton John and Michael Beck kiss and inexplicably turn into animated fish. Truly. I mean, I can't believe I ever lived in a world in which I didn't know "Top That" from Teen Witch existed. Can you?


"Top That"
It's just so funky!

Some doozies that didn't make the list? Well, I could list the entire soundtrack to the infamous 1984 Dolly Parton/Sylvester Stallone misfire Rhinestone, but special citation must be given to "Drinkenstein" I think, which is made worse by Dolly's "oh isn't that cute" laugh at the end. I don't believe The Dolly Parton would ever find that amusing in the slightest. What about "Sobbin' Women" from Seven Brides for Seven Brothers? A terrible movie for sure, but much like "Thank Heaven for Little Girls from My Fair Lady Gigi, this travesty of a musical number is so far rendered culturally insensitive by it's woeful lyrics that I kinda can't even fathom it existing in 1954! It's an ode to smackin' yo woman so she don't go astray, after all.


"Drinkenstein"


"Sobbin' Women"
And what about EVERYTHING from Were the World Mine, which is a very good example of how bad Glee truly could be and yet thankfully isn't. And while it feels beneath me to rag on product from the Disney field of dreams, "Bet On It" from High School Musical 2 had me in wild guffaws when I watched it. What's with that ridiculous pool reflection and Zac Efron's silly choreography? Yikes!


"Were the World Mine"


"Bet On It"
In the end, however, I think they got it right by naming "The Penis Song" from The Sweetest Thing as the number one worst. It's a travesty, isn't it? Watching Cameron Diaz, Christina Applegate and Selma Blair sing their way through this ode to giving men false impressions of the size of their manhood - "your penis is too big to fit in here!" - is akin to having your eyes and ears stabbed repeatedly with a rusty switchblade. It's diabolical, really. Not to mention the old lady who would've easily been played by Betty White if made five years later. Thank heavens for small mercies. It's just a shame the Razzie committee didn't bestow any of their illustrious honours onto it. I mean, if "Drinkenstein" can win Worst Original Song then why can't "The Penis Song"?


"The Penis Song"
I implore you to read the rest at The Vine and see how low/high Vanilla Ice's contribution to the world of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ("Go ninja / Go ninja, go!") is!

And after all of that, if you just want one more video with a 1980s edge then watch this one. It's the music video for some band called Atomic Tom (they are not a spin-off of Atomic Kitten, featuring that mess of a dishrag Kerry Katona) covering Human League's "Don't You Want Me". The original is an amazing classic, this new version is awful. The video, however, is a hoot as it features an adorkably hot Topher Grace (Definition - clothes on: "aww, ain't he cute!" clothes off: "whoa!") and a hilarious as always Anna Faris (along with some of their co-stars from Take Me Home Tonight) recreating famous moments from 1980s flicks. I don't think I can see Michelle Trachtenberg, but I can see Lucy Punch and Michael Beihn!

Bonus points for Topher Grace taking his shirt off as well as his Risky Business moment. Even more bonus points for Anna Faris looking like Sandra Bernhard as she impersonates Glenn Close's bunny boiler moment from Fatal Attraction. Points off for including Norma Rae, which was from 1979. How'd that slip by? Thanks to the brilliant Jason at My New Plaid Pants for pointing me in the direction of this clip.


"Don't You Want Me"
I want that Human League/Dare tee that Topher Grace is wearing, by the way. Anybody know where I could get my hands on one? Preferably with Topher still inside.

Review: The Expendables

The Expendables
Dir. Sylvester Stallone
Year: 2010
Aus Rating: MA15+
Running Time: 104mins

The Expendables is a movie experience that harkens back to the days of 1980s action films where violence was liberal, women lost their tops with ease, the men only cried when someone ripped their chest hair out and Planet Hollywood was the hottest restaurant chain in the world. Times have changed since the days of Rambo, Die Hard and Commando and so Sylvester Stallone has taken it upon himself to write, direct and star in this bloody, action-filled flick where explosions are numerous and the ethnic henchmen get their limbs torn off in countless ways.

Read the rest at Trespass Mag
I don't have anything extra to say on The Expendables to be honest. It's absolutely ridiculous and overblown and violent and I enjoyed it immensely. I feel like I'm betraying my age by getting more of a kick outta the Stallone/Willis/Schwarzenegger scene than almost anything in Scott Pilgrim vs The World, but there ya go. Hmmm. B

There Will Be Saul Bass Impersonations

It's an American thing.

I always hear about the "Alamo Drafthouse", but have somehow never mustered up the energy (so time consuming!!) to do the research and find out what it is. Nevertheless, as long as they keep cranking out wonderful posters for classic movies I'll be happy. They've done it again with a series of Saul Bass-inspired posters for the Rolling Roadshow event which screens films in the cities they were filmed or set. First cab up to the rank is my personal favourite Quentin Tarantino film, Jackie Brown, screening in a town called Torrance, California. Okay then!

Anyway, here are my favourites of the posters. They're all fabulous, but I cut it down to five. See them all over here.

Not Expendable: Photoshop

When the poster for Sex and the City 2 was released in flooded an onslaught of articles about the incredibly high use of Photoshop found on it. I couldn't have agreed more that the poster - this one most of all - was like a smorgasbord of obvious airbrushing as if the audience weren't going to notice. I'm sorry ladies, but I know nobody's leg looks like that at 45 years of age. No need to try and make me believe otherwise.

However, in the desire for fairness I thought I would take a critical eye to the newly released banner poster for Sylvester Stallone's The Expendables. Truth be told, I am looking forward to this movie like crazy! Yes, I am looking forward to The Expendables. The trailer looks like a hoot, okay! Nevertheless, not even this movie filled with masculinity oozing out of its every pore can escape the dreaded curse of Photoshop. It's like the curse of the Cat People in many ways because in some cases you do end up looking like Joclyn Wildenstein.

Let's take a look at the beast in its entirety and then a more specific man-by-man dissection.


It looks good enough. Striking black and white imagery with bold red writing and, hey look, their names match up with the faces for a change! Isn't that a novel concept to get your head around? But let's take a closer look, shall we?


For a man that, as Wikipedia tells me, used to be a professional wrestler and who turned 45 late last year (he is three months older than Sex and the City's Sarah Jessica Parker), Steve Austin happens to have such perfectly flawless skin, doesn't he? Does he shave his eyebrows to match his scalp? I like how he's standing in a position that almost makes it look as if his neck isn't wider than his head - that's some ingenuity right there! The vague illusion of throbbing scalp veins is also a nice touch since I imagine the actual Steve Austin (this being a robotic replica, surely) probably looks like a road map comparatively.


I am going to admit that I haven't the foggiest idea who this so-called "Randy Couture" (that is so not a real name) is, so I went to trusty friend Wikipedia and discovered he is an Ultimate Fighting Champion, Greco-Roman wrestler, martial arts expert and an actor. Phew. For a moment there I thought he was someone I was supposed to know. You would think that for a rough and tumble action movie they may have kept some cuts and scratches on the actors' faces. Instead, this man looks like a corpse from House of Wax.


Ya know, all things considered, Dolph Lundgren doesn't look all too different to what he actually looks like these days. There are forehead wrinkles! So, well done to Dolph for actually improving with age and somehow avoiding the Photoshop scalpel to a large degree.


Oh, Jet Li. I forgot he existed for a while there. Last time I remember seeing anything advertised with him it was that weird Bob Hoskins movie where Li played... a dog? I like how they kept his short stature in relation to the other men and that his face actually looks like his own.


Oh Sylvester Stallone! I should've known that you wouldn't let your own face go unchanged on a poster for your own movie. Nothing about this face looks real, am I right? If that is indeed what Sly looks like in this day and age then he's had more plastic surgery than Meg Ryan in Thailand! You know what's most disconcerting of all? The sunglasses. They should've had Arnold Schwarzenegger in the reflection instead of deadness. Nevertheless, Sylvester Stallone is 63 years old and no 63-year-old should look like this.


Dear Jason Statham, I will gladly throw away all my worldly possessions and donate all of my life savings (so, about $78 dollars) to a Nigerian credit card scheme for the chance to be some sort of wild, kinky love slave to you. For real. You are beyond and even if the faux lighting on this poster makes you look like you have a head shaped like an alien from Mars Attacks, I just do.not.care. Gawd, I hope The Expendables features a fight sequence in which you are slowly, but surely, stripped of all your clothes. I know it's happened before in another movie, but who said you can't have a trademark move?

Sorry, I got a bit carried away there, didn't I? Jason Statham tends to do that to me.


Another Expendables cast-member that I don't know. Turns out Terry Crews used to be an American Football player who then went into acting with roles in high class cinema titles such as White Chicks. He is 41 years old and he actually looks his age and not like he's spent the latter part of a decade trying to stave off aging in a hyperbaric chamber.


And so we come to Mickey Rourke, the inspiration for this entire entry. I feel as if this is a momentous occasion that will instantly make its mark in the Photoshop Disaster hall of fame. What on Earth were they thinking when they did this to Mr Rourke? I don't even think that is Mickey Rourke, actually, since it looks absolutely, positively NOTHING like the actor we've come to know once again. Everything about this is fake: the hair, the hat, the eyes, the skin, the neck, the eyes and - most of all - the smile. That smile is going to haunt my nightmares.

It really is unfathomable to think the person doing this thought they had done a good job. Granted, Mickey Rourke isn't the prettiest human being on the planet these days and not even amongst the men he is surrounded by on this poster, but damn! Really? This Photoshop hack job on Rourke is worse than any mistake a plastic surgeon may have done to the real Mickey Rourke's face. It has dived so far down the rabbit hole of Photoshop excess that i almost looks like they have used the charcoal filter on a badly hand drawn image of Rourke and superimposed it into this poster.

Nothing but a disaster. And, yet, there is still more!


Fear not, because Bruce WillisBot is here to save the day! A version of Bruce Willis from a computer game has somehow made its way from its world into ours and is now replacing Willis, who is clearly lazy and a bit bored with it all, in acting gigs. He will sprout dialogue like "The mission is accepted. Do I go left or right? COMPUTE ERROR 302232423907XX" and when he can half-walk into walls before getting stuck and dissolving into a puddle of pixels.

Naturally, this poster won't get anywhere near the amount of vitriol thrown at it as Sex and the City, but I've gotten used to that. However, I think it's fair to say that this is a debacle of airbrushing overload. Now, just bring on the movie!