ESPN is mad at Jalen Rose

The other day when news of the Jalen Rose DUI situation broke I was wondering why I hadn't heard about it before. The story made headlines on March 30, but it all went down on March 11, so the delay seemed a little curious to me. Apparently I wasn't the only one curious about the delay- ESPN has taken Jalen Rose off of the air until this whole little situation is laid to rest. It seems that he did not inform them of the incident, and as a result, they are none too pleased with his lack of disclosure. Oops.

Once-Obsessed NFL Analysts Now Ready To Ignore Saints

BRISTOL, Connecticut - NFL analysts at ESPN headquarters received a memo from ESPN management today calling for a cease and desist of all Saints talk now that they have lost a single game. The New Orleans team that were once labelled nationwide as "The Best Team In NFL History" will now be only spoken about in hushed tones or, according to the words in the memo, by cocky analysts such as Merril Hoge with the words, "Hey, everybody, just because they lost a game don't sleep this team!" The words will also be then echoed by Merril Hoge's increasingly obvious toupee (pictured, left).

The memo said not one analyst should in any way reference how they supported the Saints in irritating fashion until now, nor should they in any way reference predictions they all made that the Saints would be the NFL's first team since the 1972 Dolphins to have a perfect season. Workers in the Bristol offices are feverishly erasing any such taped speeches.

The memo ended by calling for analysts to start overwhelming "The Colts Are The Best Team In NFL History" talk. Such talk will be started today, with analyst Mark Schlereth complimenting the girth of Colts QB Peyton Manning's penis.

Mel Kiper Waiting Patiently To Be That Douchebag On Your TV Again

BALTIMORE, Maryland - Mel Kiper, useful to the general public for a few days in April during the NFL draft, is currently at the height of his uselessness.

"I honestly can't wait to infect people's television screens with my holier-than-thou conclusions involving boom-or-bust college players. It's been rough to not pass judgement on anyone in a loud, opinionated, staccato voice. Still, I remain patient and will wait with honor and grace for my chance to be on every screen in America."

Kiper was oblivious to how this statement was full of douchebagginess.

To continue the period, described by many as "Asshole Hibernation", Kiper has taken to adding his insights to everyday topics.

"Today I had a salami sandwich. It was a thin, robust salami, red in complexion and lean in fat and high on taste. It is made in a province in Italy, sliced by the finest craftsmen, and made specifically for consumption by those with discerning tastes. Figuratively, this salami runs a 4.4 40 down my throat and into my belly. Don't give me any of that "bologna" should go #1 on the list of deli meats. Mark my words: Salami will produce. It will produce great taste, and firm stool."

Meaning Of Life Found, Withheld By ESPN Insider Membership

NEW YORK CITY, New York - Today scientists and bible scholars found the long awaited meaning of life, sought after by millions and millions over the history of mankind. Upon finding the Meaning Of Life, a window popped up telling all that they could read half of the first sentence of the Meaning Of Life, but to continue they must become an "ESPN Insider".

The half of the first sentence that was revealed consisted of, "The Meaning Of Life is-"

Spending billions of dollars in search of the Meaning Of Life, the scientists and bible scholars abandoned their search when it was revealed that access to the meaning of life would coincide with a subscription to ESPN The Magazine.

This is the Type of Keen Insight You Can Only Get from One Jay Bilas






Jay Bilas on Mike & Mike this morning on the prospects of Greg Oden returning to school:


"I think that he will probably go to the NBA, but there is also a chance that he stays in school."


So if you are keeping track at home, Greg Oden will definitely declare for the NBA draft. Unless he doesn't.

Hire this Woman. NOW.

This is Ivon Gaete. She has been a sideline reporter for the Little League World Series on ESPN, and done some work on ESPN Deportes. She is clearly underused by the network. We need to do something about that.

5 we like, 5 we don't like: SportsCenter Anchors




We do a lot of thinking on the treadmill, and we watch a lot of SportsCenter on the treadmill too. Therefore, we do a lot of thinking about SportsCenter. Today, we got to thinking about SportsCenter anchors.

5 anchors we want to see less.

Stuart Scott

Easiest one on the board by far. In like 1994 he was new, original, really a breath of fresh air on a somewhat stagnate SC anchor lineup (plus we were only 13 at the time so maybe we thought his act was cool). It is now 13 years later, and he is doing the exact same act. He mugs for attention during other anchor’s highlights, and his writing is tired and painfully unfunny and uninteresting. But enough bloggers have taken their shots at Stu, so we will move on.

Kenny Mayne

We actually forgot how much we hated Kenny until he mysteriously re-appeared to do the Sunday night SC with Stu-yah last weekend. What a combo that was. They were practically elbowing each other out of the way to steal camera time. They kept trying to outdo each other with inane blather through every highlight. He just doesn’t understand that he is there to narrate the highlights and provide little stats and tidbits to enhance the viewer’s enjoyment. He is not there to try to be funny and come up with the next stupid catchphrase. He even tries to use a dry, monotone delivery to try to be even funnier. Truly annoying.

Neil Everett

Every time SC starts up and we hear “howZIIIIIT??” we roll our eyes and check to see what else is on. What are “PF Flyers?” And why does he mention them every time a runner gets thrown out at home?

John Buccigross

What Mick Jaggar is to the Rolling Stones, John Buccigross is to annoying sportscasters. Imagine hearing analogies like that 5 or 6 times during a SC broadcast, except with much more obscure bands. THAT is his catchphrase. GUH!

Brian Kenny

We hate sabermetrics. And he has to make some allusion to sabermetrics every time he does a baseball highlight.

5 that ESPN should use to replace those flunkies

Chris McKendry

Very understated, doesn’t get in the way of the highlights, or her co-anchors, and even clever at times. She also seemed perfect for The Big Picture's “who would you do” competition. Right on the fence so there would have been good two-way debate. I think the fact that she constantly makes bedroom eyes at the camera would have put her over the top. But anyway, she is also a very good anchor.

Scott Van Pelt

Funny, but without getting in the way. It is a very delicate balance between an anchor being funny and an anchor trying to be funny and calling too much attention to himself/herself. Van Pelt he never seems like he is trying to be funny. Also, good writing during his lead-ins, and most of all, he gives you good info during a highlight.

Dave Revsine

ESPN has buried this guy because he doesn’t arouse that much passion one way or the other. Ideally, SC anchors should like sports officials, if you hardly know they are there, then they are doing a good job. Revsine does a good job of fading into the background and letting the highlights do the job, while still throwing a quip in every once and a while to keep the viewer entertained.

Linda Cohn

What the hell happened to her? Why has ESPN buried her? She is like the female Revsine.

Josh Elliot

He is new to the anchor’s desk, but pretty good so far.